ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Maimed by an evergreen. Healed by a thief and a swinger

I’ve never been the type who’s impervious to other people’s haste. I wish I could be, but I’m not. If someone in line behind me is in a hurry and visibly rushed, I get frazzled and hurried too. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fall apart, I’m just acutely aware—and when faced with the option of expediting vs. lollygagging, I choose expediting.

Which is why I am now the proud owner of these.



And this.



Yes! First, I gave you The Smushed Finger. Then, The Smashed Toe. Now, I’d like to present The Sprained Ankle.



You see, there’s a stairwell at work that’s two platforms high and yesterday, I was walking down it when a co-worker came up behind me. Said co-worker is a towering tree of a woman, and she was in a hurry. Literally, she was on my heels. I could feel her breath on my neck. So I picked up the pace. My intent was to get to one of the platforms and move aside so the Redwood could pass. But just as I was about to step aside, my heel got caught in my pant leg. I landed the wrong way and went down. Against the rail.

Do you know that the bitch never even stopped? She kept going.

Guess who saw it all and came running? Orgy George. And Steve. In mere seconds there were by my side. For a minute it felt like the ending of Big Fish, when all the people with whom you’ve had complex and troublesome relationships come to your side one last time and you cry with joy.

Or immense pain.

George and Steve held my leg in the air (yah, that was awkward) while I sat on a step. I have never been so relieved to have freshly-shaven legs. They brought me icepacks and called 911. They found my missing heel (it had flown off and over the side of the stairwell at the moment of impact). They were great.

The good news is that it’s only a sprain and I get to catch up on shit TV while I heal. The bad news is that I won’t be able to pick up my son or navigate stairs unless I go down on my ass.

But you know what? I now know what it feels like to leave work strapped into a stretcher and to watch my office building grow smaller and smaller through an ambulance window. It’s not such a bad way to go. Sure, people will talk, but they won’t expect you to return their emails for awhile.

And for once I am in no hurry.

Redwood Bitch.

36 comments:

Sara said...

Oh my goodness! Your poor ankle! I didn't know Redwoods were evergreens. ;) Hope you heal quickly!

Lindy said...

You're such a show-off what with your crutches and your time off work and your sprained ankle and your leaving work and your brace and your not returning emails at work.

I'm just gonna have to leave and not come back until I can relate to you again.

It may mean I throw myself down some stairs too but whatever.

Buggys said...

What a drama! She didn't even stop?? Total bitch and unbelievable! Some people are just incredible aren't they? I hope you feel better soon.

marybt said...

Next time you see redwood, you should stick a high heel in her eyeball.

I'm not feeling very charitable today.

Also, you need to stay in bed until you can be more graceful. lol.

Sheila said...

What a beyotch!! I can't believe she didn't even STOP! Are you kidding?
I'm so sorry!
Well keep us posted if there is anything good we need to see about Dr. Phil or on the soaps! LOL!

Momma Chae said...

LOL I'm so sorry! You sound like me. I was on crutches this summer with a bone fragment in my ankle that came from nowhere. Right after I got on my feet again, I broke my wrist riding my quad. Still in a cast. I guess I live slapstick style, ehh?
I hope you get well soon!!

Brandy said...

I'm so sorry. you really are a bit accident prone. starting to sound intentional.

maybe giving yourself blog fodder?

heedpantsnow said...

Whack her with one of your crutches or "accidentally" trip her with one of them the first chance you get. I'll call it karma.

At least you should be done with injuries for a while...if, in fact, they come in threes like the celebrity deaths.

Here's to loads of crappy TV and a quick recovery!!

Stacie said...

That Redwood skank! I hate her now.

I am so sorry to hear about your ankle (toe and finger). You should stay at home for a long while.

I hope you feel better soon!

Frogs in my formula said...

Brandy, I may be twisted, but I'm not that twisted!

Trac~ said...

Awww.. that's so awful! I'm sorry to hear that you are in more pain and have been hurt again. I just can't believe the Redwood didn't even stop to be sure you were okay! How RUDE is that! Sorry girl! Get better soon! Hugs, Trac~ :o)

Pricilla said...

I can't believe she didn't even stop. Bitch is right.

Now, see I get people like that behind me and I slooooooooooooooow down. I guess I am a bitch too.

C.B. Jones said...

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t fall apart

True, you bruise, sprain and almost break stuff. I think you need to order one of those giant mouse balls from American Gladiators. It's for your own safety.

Frogs in my formula said...

Touche, CB. Touche.

The Peach Tart said...

I can't believe that Redwoods never stopped to see if you were OK. Bitch.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Yes, thank GOD you shaved. And the tree will die. Mark my word. Get better soon, eh!

Grand Pooba said...

For serious? They carried you out on a stretcher and the redwood bitch didn't even stop to see if you were okay?!

I hate tall bitches (I can say that because I am one)

Keely said...

Were you starting to think you didn't have anything to blog about? Because the last time I thought that myself, FoN hit me between the eyes with a squash racquet.

Hope someone topples that bitch. With a chainsaw.

The Mother said...

I had no idea Mulletville was such a dangerous place.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

sorry to hear about that! Hope you feel better soon.
'Lollygagging'? I learnt something new!!

A Mom on Spin said...

Yeah! Milk it for all it's worth!

And once you're yourself again, make sure you make life miserable for that rude redwood. . . .

Suzi said...

So did you paint your nails before you took the picture of your foot? I hope you weren't wearing a skirt while Orgy George and Steve where holding your leg in the air.

SLColman said...

OMGosh that is terrible! How utterly rude that she didn't even stop to see if you were OK. I hope that the ankle heals up quickly for you!

kel said...

ouch!!!! that sucks!!

Julia said...

THE NERVE of HER!!! What a wench! I can not believe she did not stop. I think I would have yelled at her as she scaffolded up the stair well. "Bi***!" As a tall person myself I would not condone such behavior ever. But we do have our issues...

Mrsbear said...

Wow, you'd think someone toppling down the stairs in your wake would have at least slowed the tree woman down. Jeez. So glad you're not fractured or anything. Although I am a touch jealous of your ambulance ride. That is quite the exit.

rachel... said...

Wow, I think it's time to hire a bodyguard.

Dto3 said...

A bit dramatic, don't ya think? 9-1-1 for a sprained ankle? Frozen peas (which are clearly a sacred medical device only to be used by freshly neutered men) as an ice pack? Time off from work? Seriously, Mrs. Mullet, if I didn't know you better, I'd think you were about to start up a website for contributions to your family during this crisis...

mannequin said...

You are just a series of mishaps honey! The whole Redwood incident is a good thing, little did she know that by mowing you down, she was accelerating your down time. huh?

Happy laying around week.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I'm sorry to hear about your leg, but the woman didn't STOP???? What?

You were right when you said the rudest people lived in your town. Keep them because they scare me.

They're not only rude, but apparently mean.

Kathy said...

I hope everyone in your building knows who caused it. Redwood needs to be shunned.

Enjoy your down time. Trash TV... I'm so jealous.

Otter Thomas said...

Keep those crutches long enough to use to fell the redwood bitch. Hope the ankle gets better soon.

kyooty said...

I can't believe she didn't stop or slow down! ME people suck!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

OMG! How cold and heartless that the tree woman who caused your fall didn't even stop to help you! She wasn't texting while she was walking, was she? >;o)~

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