Wednesday, September 2, 2009

So I may not attract a zebra mate, but I bet the chinchillas would be all over me

Do you see that dress? I bought it in April. I was on a skinny streak and I thought, yes, flowy linen! I was also on a 34-year I-only-wear-brown-and-black kick and thought eureka, zebra print! The best part? The dress was 40% off. So falalala, I bought it. I envisioned myself wearing it to summer weddings, when I was high tea-ing in Mulletville, sleeping, showering, it didn’t matter: It was perfection.

Eagerly, I rushed home to try it on in the comfort of my home. Somehow it had shrunken in its plastic Banana Republic bag (yah, that’s right, I went back). Instead of slimming my figure, it smushed my breasts together, making them look like a band of deflated muffins. And linen? You sit down once in linen and this happens

Ok, fine, that’s denim, but you get the point.

I looked like a fat, flattened zebra. If a male zebra had been near me he would have rammed me in my poofy ass, not tried to mount me. If a dress doesn’t make a zebra want to mount you, there’s no point in wearing it.

It had to go back.

But wouldn’t you know it, the store is halfway between Mulletville and New Haven and every time I happened to be driving past it, Junior was asleep or it was raining or we were trying to outrun the police. Every time. For five months.

Last night, I finally made it to the store.

I was ecstatic. But when I got to the register, I couldn’t find the receipt. The waif clerk told me that without a receipt, the $54 dress was now worth $20.

“Listen here,” I said. “I’ve been driving by your store for five months, and I have the receipt. I will get my money back.”

So I huffed it to the car, rummaged through the landfill that is our trunk (Chuck, you are a fucking slob) and found the receipt. See, look? I had my golden ticket.

But when the waif clerk examined the receipt, she told me that 90 days had passed since the purchase, therefore I could only get a store credit of the dress’s current value, $20.

Excuse me? What? Based on 30 years of returning clothes, I know full well that people get a store credit for the full amount when they have their receipt. It’s practically law.

The waif could tell I was about to flip my lid. How could I not? I had finally arrived at the finish line —receipt and zebra dress in hand, tags in tact—only to be told that my trek was worth a measly $20.

“Sorry,” she said sheepishly. “Do you, um, still want to return it?”

“Never!” I screamed. “I will wear this dress. MARK MY WORDS.”

So now I’m home. With the dress. I don’t care what it takes, I will make that dress work for me. I’ll belt it, I’ll slap it, I’ll hogtie it—whatever it takes.

I’m also starting a petition to Banana Republic. It’s called the “Take your zebra dress and shove it” petition. Here’s what I’m lobbying for:

a) When the skinny BR salespeople ask for your zip code at the register, they factor in how far a BR is from where you live. The further you live, the more time you get to return things. Duh.

b) They make drive-thrus for returns. The drive-thrus also serve fries and Frosties.

c) If you’re a mom, dad or pet owner (or hell, even if you have demanding siblings or parents), you get an extra year to return something. That’s right, MoFos, a year.

And, obviously,

d) The BR salespeople start eating whole apples instead of just 1/4" slices.

Billie Jean said it best, folks. Fair is fair!

$%#&*ing zebras.

P.S. Don't forget, today's the last day to win a free tungsten ring from Tungsten Rings Online. Go to their site, find something for $120 or less and tell me what you want in the comments section of the previous post. Comments close tonight at midnight, EST. Open to residents worldwide.


Stacie's Madness said...'s just as bad as fucking gift certificates

You wear your Zebra dress and wear it well girlfriend, damn Banana Republic bitches.

Brandy said...

I hate return policies. And I will certainly sign your petition.

Ms. Salti said...

I had a return problem the other day, but the lady was cool and hooked me up... so I got an awesome pair of pants in exchange for shorts I never wore. And I even got money back... score!

I'm supporting your cause and can't wait to see you in that dress!

Lindy said...

I crossed my eyes, looked at the dress and saw a cheeseburger in the print. YES!

Pricilla said...

Hey, why not freak out the missing George guy and wear it with giraffe print tights. heh heh

Stacie said...

LMAO at "If a male zebra had been near me he would have rammed me in my poofy ass, not tried to mount me."

You rock that zebra dress my friend.

Grand Pooba said...

Oh man, I have done that too! Except I was a dummy and actually took $10 store credit for a $30 item, but I could have never worn it. I hate retail bitches!

Suzi said...

Yeah, they got ya by the balls. It's a game that they are going to win every time.

Cut it up and make it into a table runner.

FoN said...

My new measurement for clothes is, "Would a zebra want to mount me?" That's perfect.

I don't think we have BR around these parts, but I'd be into signing that petition anyway. Ship it on over! In fact, I think those rules should just be voted into law and applied everywhere.

Otter Thomas said...

Everything should be drive thru. Great idea. If New Orleans can have drive thru dauiris stands then anything is possible.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

whose butt did you photograph in that pic?!

blognut said...

I hate when that happens! I can never find my receipts, so I just keep stuff until enough time has passed and it's appropriate to give it away.

Keely said...

Well, it's a cute dress. Maybe it could be a giveaway? ;)

Mad Woman said...

That's a stupid ass return policy. Wear that dress girl and wear it proud...while maybe carrying a sign saying "BR wouldn't let me return my damn dress".

Susan said...

Get a long black mullet wig and wear the hell out of the zebra costume this Halloween. I have no doubt you'll be the hawtest wildlife around!!!

Staci at Just Bloggled said...

LOL. I love The Legend of Billie Jean.

I have that problem every Christmas. My father is one of those people who would rather give you a bunch of stuff to open on Christmas, even if you don't want a single thing he gives you, than to combine the amount and buy you the one expensive thing you want.

So every year he sends whoever he's married to at the moment to go buy you a bunch of worthless junk at Walmart. Of course, he never gives you a receipt for those XXL clothes that swallow the size 6 you, and when you take them back you find out they're on clearance and now only worth $1.50.

The end result is you stand in line for an hour to return your Christmas and only get $5 to $10 back, an amount not worth standing in line.

Heck, if he got them at BR, I would at least find some other use for them (make pillows, napkins, something out of them).

kyooty said...

you could fit in that! they've got underwar just for this purpose! sometimes we dont' breath

Julia said...

You will want to fire me for this but have you ever read Zella, Zack and Zodiac? If not don't.

You should get some three inch stiletto's to go with that dress. That will show them!

Lori said...

Yep. I used to think that Target had the worst return policy, but now everyone's jumping on the bandwagon.

You should check out Verbatim's blog though, she just had a similar experience via Gap and since they're all in the same family, you might be able to do something about this. I remember when I worked at Old Navy someone brought something a year old back with a receipt and the manager accepted it (though that was when dinosaurs roamed the earth...)

Anonymous said...

I went to Banana Republic once.

I decided it was some parallel universe for midgets where a the label says "12" but the dress is actually a "4".

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah. I have to comment twice. Oops.

Kohl's is awesome about returns. I bought a sweater there in November. I was going to wear it to work and took the tags off. I changed my mind and wore something else. 2 months later, I finally decided to wear that sweater for the first time. I discovered it had a hole in it. I took it back 2 months later with no tags and no receipt and they gave me a refund for what I paid for it!

I've also taken back stuff that I washed and shrunk - I even told them that I washed it. And they gave me a refund.

Kohl's is great about returns.

A Mom on Spin said...

Make it your blogging dress. Everyone blogs better as a zebra!

I have blogging boots. I've never once worn them outside the house, but they inspire me!

mo.stoneskin said...

I too blog as a zebra. A full body suit, fluffy boots and a matching cape.


Damn it is hot in this outfit.

Anne said...

I can't believe they wouldn't let you return it. I understand it from a business standpoint, but the bad PR alone (on the Frog Blog) was not worth it. This is why everyone should receive a company's best customer service (sorry, I will stop the marketing lecture now). It wouldn't have killed them to give you store credit, it isn't like it's and since you are unlikely to find something for exactly the same price, you will either not spend it all or spend more anyway. I will sign your petition, but I think I am too old to shop at Banana Republic.

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