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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Hi, is Banana Republic there? Yeh, hi...I kind of owe you $150

Something terrible happened today.

I went to the mall in search of a dress to wear to a fancy dinner party Chuck and I have been invited to on Saturday night. Pre-Junior I was a size 6. Post-Junior I am a size...

Oh, what the hell does it matter?

The only thing that matters is that I barricaded myself in the dressing room of fricken Banana Republic in the hope against hopes that I could get one of their flouncy, flirty, made-for-sticks spring dresses on to my pasty body, and I did!

But I couldn’t get it off.

No really.

I actually tried bending over so I could stretch my hands behind my back and hoist it over my head and that’s when all the material fell forward and I started suffocating in a sea of green silk. Sweat was pouring. My heart was pounding. The material had no give my God I was trying to hog tie myself.

Then I had a vision of my accidental asphyxiation and how I’d look if the salesclerks found me in a tangle of half nude, half green battle. I’ll tell you how I’d look: like a human molting experiment gone terribly wrong. And you know how they are—those snooty Banana salesclerks—they’d take one look at me and tsk, tsk my inability to recognize that someone larger than a size 2 could not possibly slip into one of their trendy dresses without some kind of epic throw down.

They’d pick up their snooty little phones and call Headquarters and say, “Another fat one bit it. Poor dress.” Then they’d take my picture and hang it on their corkboard dedicated to “people who have died trying to wear our clothes.”

So you see, when I say that I had no choice about what to do next, I am not lying. I knew that dress looked terrible (how could it not? It pinched and pulled in places I didn’t even know I had malleable flesh). There was no way in hell I was wearing it out the door just because I couldn’t get it off. My reputation was at stake.

So like Bruce Banner, I gave one giant snort and busted through the seams.

If you must know, I lay there afterward in the fetal position and wept.

Then I got the hell out of there.

(Psst, Chuck? This is why when you asked, “I thought you were getting a dress the party’s in two days?!” I threw my shoe at your head.)

28 comments:

Suzi said...

Doesn't the post baby bod just bite? Oh I long for the days when I had a figure.....sadly, they are looonnnnggg gone. I feel your pain. Good luck with the dress hunt.

Keely said...

OMG I have had that problem long before I ever had a kid.

I promise, I was laughing WITH you.

*snort*

Mary Moore said...

OMG, that is too funny.

My body was never the same shape after I had my babies, but I still look damn good. Well...I think I do...I think.

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

Dressing rooms are evil torture chambers anyway!

Jenners said...

This was too hilarious. You crack me up ... and I don't even bother with stores like Banana Republic ... I know I'm not worthy!

HumorSmith said...

OMG! Never had a fitting room disaster.

We guys have our own issues.
Running out of beer in the middle of the game. Now there's a tragedy.

Frogs, you have a way with words that always amuses me.

Margo said...

Don't feel bad, if it says "made in China" the fit models are all 80 lb. asian women

Mrs. V said...

OMG... Now I remember why I never set foot in that store. ROFL, at your expense I know, but that was funny. :D

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO! But really, I'm laughing WITH you, because I could definitely see myself in that predicament...if I wasn't so paranoid of it happening, which makes me steer clear of all dressing rooms...I prefer to struggle and die in the privacy of my own home than be discovered in a dressing room... ;) You are my hero! :)

Joanie said...

OMG! That was so funny! I've had almost something like that happen to me on more than one occasion.

Dto3 said...

Roxanne at our local BR always waits on me and tells me how nice my butt looks in those sunglasses. I buy something everytime!

Julia said...

Ooooooh! That's a bad one. Hate to say it but ouch. Did no one hear the tears of clothing as you were shredding the dress Incredible Hulk style???? You said it was green right?

Missy said...

Oh you poor thing. I so feel your pain. I used to be a cute little 110 thing with big tatas. Now it's just... sad. Not that I haven't tried to do something about it.
Shopping at BR would not be one of them though.

Missy

FoN said...

Every once in a while I will attempt stores like that when I'm indulging my delusional side, but then I end up with shards of clothing lying about too. Then I just go to a store than will having sales clerks without the eye-roll function.

Great post!

Rachel said...

This happens to me sometimes. Not so much in fitting rooms, as I know better than to try and shop for new clothes. But sometimes, I'll get crazy and try on some of my pre-baby clothes, and I'll have a shirt stuck halfway off and I'm all sweaty and out of breath trying to take it off, so I have to lay down on my bed for a minute and collect myself until I get another surge of energy to rip the thing off. I've torn plenty this way, but at least they were paid for. :)

Kate said...

I absolutely hate that first moment of panic, that "oh shit" feeling, when you realize that puppy just isn't coming off! Sadly, I know that feeling all to well.

And you in no way owe BR anything. As a matter of fact, I think that you are due a nice little check for the emotional distress their ridiculously small clothing caused you.

Seeker said...

What a story. Too funny...i could imagine that happening to me....WAIT...IT DID... but not at BR. and i didn't cry...I just finally inched out of the dress, got clothed and ran

Lori said...

I am totally laughing hysterically at your expense! I would have done the same thing...busted out of it and ran like hell.

Belle said...

I just hate it when that happens. They make those bloody dresses SO badly!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I would have done the same thing. In fact, I may have already done the same thing, but I ain't tellin...

HeatherPride said...

God, I have managed to get out of every dress-wearing event (except for 1 funeral) for the last 4 1/2 years, just because of this. I live in fear of having to purchase a dress....I think dressmakers assume the wearer must always be in possession of a waistline, which sadly, I have none.

Tash said...

so funny. The true stories are the funniest. Total panic moment you captured it well! saw you at Angies Circus

Jeanne said...

An even bigger nightmare is trying on swimsuits -- nothing like a 3-way mirror to give you the full cottage cheese thighs effect. (Shudder.)

Melissa said...

I have had that same scenario only at 'Dress Barn' my baby was crying outside the door w/ gammaand I had to sneak out so gamma could helpme a bit! I think we did end up getting the sales gal to help me out of it...sweat and all she saw my undies and whatever else was under there :0 she was very understnding of it and I just wanted to get out and hide! Thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

FIMF - C3PO's a Luxe member.

jos said...

oh, you are hilarious. i'm laughing aloud (& it's almost 1 am, so hopefully no one will wake up). love your blog.

Stephanie Manner Wagner said...

I had twins 8 months ago andoh do I feel your pain. Bravo to you for sharing this!

GreenJello said...

I guess I'm a little further along than you-- I don't even attempt to put one of those dresses on. LOL! I'll just be happy if I ever fit into size 10 jeans again.