Monday, June 20, 2011

Here kitty, kitty. Come 'ere sweet kitty

It was a beautiful sunny day in Connecticut—something us locals like to call "unheard of."

Last year at this time, a day like this would have made me sick inside. I was working full-time while basting my baby bump. Chuck was home full-time with Junior, who was going on three. I was angry about it. Always angry. Why wasn't I home with our son? Why did Chuck get to have all the fun?

Now here I am. Six months into my maternity leave. Chuck had the day off from his freelance gig, so he took Junior to the park. I couldn't have been more relieved. I have grown so fucking weary of the park and the moms. Talking. They're always talking. About bus drivers and sippy cups and diapers and sunscreen.

They talk so much it surprises me that their jaws don't drop right off their faces.

As I listen to them, I find myself missing my office. I feel like an asshole and/or a bad mother for writing that. But I miss having deadlines and projects and a career.

Most of all I feel like an asshole because last year was a rotten time for me and Chuck. I gave him such a hard time about being a stay-at-home dad. If he complained about how long or monotonous his day was, I told him that I'd gladly change places. If he said Junior talked his ear off, I'd tell him how Junior's little voice made me cry when he called me at work to say hi. I'd tell him how I missed his voice.

The guilt I was serving up was so very bountiful.

From the safety of my office I'd built up Chuck's sunny days at the park to be The End All. He was living the dream: my dream.

Now, after living "the dream" for seven days a week for the last six months I have a different perspective. Namely, the park would be a lot more fun if there was a swim-up bar near the swingsets and an on-site babysitter. Shuttle service home.

Less talking. Dear Lord, much less talking.

I wonder though if, after my maternity leave ends next month, I'll be sitting back in my office wistful for these days. As the plan currently stands, Chuck will give up his freelance career and go back to being a stay-at-home dad. Will I feel relief as I settle back into the person I was before I had Diddlydoo or will I long for these sunny days that I breezily wished away?

If I do long for these days, will I vomit over my glaringly obvious case of "the grass is always greener" and my gross inability to appreciate what I have when I have it? I don't want to be that person, I really don't, but some days I worry my tombstone will look like this:

(What? I'm gonna live to be 110, okay?)

I also don't want to be the kind of person who continues to nibble (okay, gnaw) on her husband's ego. Even though I previously apologized for my past guilt-tripping behavior, I want to assure Chuck that if I go back to work and freak out about missing the kids, I won't take it out on him.

I promise.

No voodoo dolls. No posts about wishing Chuck dead. Certainly no dipping his toothbrush in the toilet bowl.

Not this time, never, ever again, honey. I promise. I love you! I really love you, pookie!

(Is it just me or do I come off like someone who is trying to woo a sweet little kitty into my house so I can decapitate it? Oh good. It's just me.)


Lady Goo Goo Gaga said...

It was a great day in Connecticut! I was also at a park, and the people at my park didn't STFU either.....are u sure we don't live in the same town??? Either way I think it's normal to want it both ways......

Katherine said...

Love the last line... made me laugh outloud!

I would personally love to be the stay at home Mom... the office can wait as far as I'm concerned. Maybe it is the "grass is always greener" on my end too...! :)

Either way, whatever we end up doing, we ROCK at it, don't you agree?

brokenteepee said...

We always want what we don't have. It's animal nature. It's why my goats get their heads stuck in the fence trying to eat the SAME FREAKIN' GRASS that is growing on the OTHER side of the fence.

Angie said...

LMAO! I so could have written this. The main difference is you only get 6 months and I've had almost triple that with Minnow. I purposefully avoid other Mommies and yes, that probably makes me a horrible person especially since I fully intend to keep my squishy away from public school too. Being a hermit has it's drawbacks- like my incessant whining that there's nobody for my kid to play with...yes that would involve getting involved in local events...or talking to people, whatever. Anyway long post short-er...I think this happens to everyone, it happens to me weekly. Even though I love being home with the kiddos, I lose my mind occasionally.

Sara said...

Love the last line! I kinda run from other mommas and their incessant talking. That stuff is annoying! So, I feel ya.

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