Thursday, June 24, 2010

Why, yes. I do reek. And I'll gladly tell you more about it

I chickened out on Monday. I canceled my meeting to tell my boss about my bun. Chuck and my friends assured me I didn’t look pregnant yet—just fat—so I figured I’d wait a little longer. Then, Wednesday, Chuck said, “Wow, you’re really showing.”

“Which is it? Am I fat or pregnant?” I barked.


So in I went this morning to tell her.

She took the news well, much better than I’d anticipated. I finally could let my bump hang free and stop walking backwards. I was about to jump on the chair and sing "The hills are alive" when she asked the question I’ve been hearing a lot lately: “Was this planned?”

Ex-fricken-scuse me?

The question stops me every time. Was this what? You want to know whether Chuck and I knowingly boinked with or without using protection? Why?

It’s this pregnancy’s question du jour—and people aren’t subtle about asking. My cousin’s congratulatory email actually went like this: “Yipee! I’m assuming this was planned?”

Assume away, bitch.

I mean, really.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out the motives of these nosy people. Maybe they see life as one big Lifetime movie? Maybe if I say, “No, the baby wasn’t planned,” they enjoy imagining that Chuck and I were in the throes of passion and that Chuck suddenly screamed, “Dear God, no! Your Nuva Ring just bounced off the chandelier! What will we do if we have to bring another child into this stable, loving home? How could this have happened to us, a happily married monogamous couple?”

Then they imagine Chuck being really mean to me while I bake pies at a dusty old diner and mac on my married gynecologist.

Oh wait, that was Waitress.

I was about to dedicate more time tonight to my psychological investigation (there’s nothing on TV and what else is there to do in Mulletville on a humid Thursday night) but a foul, rancid smell has been distracting me. A rodent—or one of Chuck’s shoes—has died behind an upstairs wall. No matter what I spray or what ridiculous contraption I plug into the wall to spread its flowery, morning fresh douchy goodness, the smell won’t go away.

It's downright foul.

But. I’d rather have people sniff me and ask why I smell like decomposing mouse than the Dreaded Question. That’s how much I hate it.

What about you? What pregnancy question do you/did you hate with a passion? If you don't have children, what question do you hate, in general?


Unknown said...

People actually asked me how much weight I gained! Which, I don't know, really annoys the shit out of me. The first few times I was really taken aback, then after the fifth or so time, I was able to calmly come up with a non-answer: "Exactly what the doctor said I should."
What the frick is wrong with people?
Congrats, btw. Long-time lurker, first time commenter. As cliche as that is...
:) Robin

NHGirl said...

"Did you get your tubes tied?"

Seriously, for me, a question doesn't get more personal than the birth control of choice for one's rest of their life.

Also, it was more the behaviors than the questions that pissed me off. Like, when someone rammed their grocery cart into my 8 month preggers belly. Really, a little consideration would be nice. And, the unsolicited touching and rubbing. The old asian ladies were the worst with that.

Congrats, by the way!

Gretchen said...

Um, how about, after having a boy and a girl, "SO, are you done now?" I think that's presumptuous. Like, oh a boy and a girl so now you've got both. So, you're all set. No need to have more, right?


And, don't even get me started about when I got pregnant with #5. The looks on people's faces when they said, "Is this your first?" and I answered "No, my fifth." (not exactly sure how I was able to get out in public without my other 4 ankle-biters, though). But the look on their faces. Disbelief. Possibly misheard. Temporary insanity.

I guess I should say, "y'know, we don't live in CHINA."

Roshni said...

"why don't you try for a girl?"

"Sure! And, I assume that if we have a boy AGAIN then you're ready to adopt him?"

Suzi said...

I have 3 boys so the big question when they were still in diapers...."When are you going to try for a girl?" Mind you these boys are 15 months and 16 months apart. I would say the cards are not in our favor. When am I going to try for a about NEVER!

Christy said...

"Was this planned?"

I HATE that question! with our second my mom wasn't even happy at first. all she said was something like "well, this is a bit sooner than you thought, huh?"

I loathe that question! and I loved your post!

Cyndy Bush said...

I am so blown away by people's rudeness. I mean NOBODY should really be asking that, but I could see a very close friend or family member MAYBE. I was so bitchy when I was pregnant, if anyone had asked me that I probably would have stabbed them.

Lindy said...

My sister is pregnant so I like to ask her if she is having twins or not.

I wonder if she finds this annoying?

AmyBow said...

In addition to seconding every comment posted, I like at the end of the pregnancy when people start asking "should you be doing that?" when you do normal things - LIKE WALK.

Sandy said...

I am a non-mom. There are not really any questions beyond, "Why don't you want kids," rather there are only statements like, "Of course you're self-centered, you don't have kids," or the implications that I am somehow inferior and unchallenged because I am not in the Mom Club.If I don't tell someone, they have no idea why I don't have kids. While you Moms have to endure those endless questions and advice while pregnant, perhaps you might be a little more sensitive to the fact that our lives are not necessarily easier because we are not mothers. Some of us would have welcomed those pesky pregnant questions, but will not be given that opportunity.

Missy said...

I can't say there were many annoying questions (maybe the one about how old I was), but what yanked my chain was complete strangers touching my belly. PLEASE! At the very least ask first. Even though I'd really like you to keep your hands to yourself!

The Mother said...

Why do pregnant women incite total strangers to ask personal questions?

Guys in elevators ask when you're due or if you know the sex yet.

My solution? Hang a sign around your neck:
24 weeks
DON'T tell me your pregnancy horror story.

VandyJ said...

Are you going to have anymore? Are you done having kids or are you going to try for a girl? I hate both of these questions. Noneya beeswax people.

brokenteepee said...

For the entirety of my child bearing years it was - when are you going to have a baby and now that I am post menopausal it's - why didn't you have a baby.

As if my only function in life was to reproduce.

No offense to anyone with babies.

Brandy@YDK said...

I was pretty much an oversharer when I was pregant so I'm sure people got all kinds of information that they didn't even ask for. they walked backwards from me a lot. lol.

Keely said...

"So, about time for another one, huh?"

Yeah. I'll get on that, when you solve the mystery of my infertility.

Seriously, if you don't have exactly one boy and one girl exactly 2.5 years apart (and no more and no less), you're a freak and people are allowed to comment.

Anonymous said...

My daughter will be 3 in September. If ONE MORE PERSON asks me if/when we are going to have another baby, I will ... I don't know, everything seems anti-climactic after the first part of the sentence ... probably squirt them with pepper spray. Or give them a zap from my stun gun.

Judy said...

"Aren't you too old?"

When I had 3 children 14, 12 and 10 and was pregnant for my 4th, which was planned and the other 3 weren't. Oh--yeah--I was all of 32.

Magpie said...

There was a woman in my office, who knew we'd been trying. She walked by my desk one day and said "are you pregnant?" (I hadn't told anyone but my boss.) After I said yes, she said "you're showing" and walked off.


Yeah, people are friggin' weird.

Stacie said...

Oh, I just thought of one.

"Are you having twins?"
"Are you sure?"

I think I'd know this. We're not living in the 80's anymore.

I don't know why people find it amusing to ask that question, "Are you having twins?"

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

Great Blog!! I am your newest follower.


JoAnna said...

I don't have pregnancy questions that I hate, but I hate it when people ask when I'm getting married. It's all I can do not to say "I don't know, when are you getting divorced?" because it's that offensive to me!

Frogs in my formula said...

Sandy, I never thought your life was easier because you didn't have kids. I'm sorry I make you cook eggs and corn every time you come to my house. I love you.

Julia said...

I think I am actually to damn scary in person and nobody asks me nothin,' especially when I was pregnant. Maybe it was the perma grimace I had while pregnant, and that I could have killed someone very easily during my torturous pregnancies if given just cause.

I kinda wish I had a good one for you but I don't. Sorry. Give me an F for today.

Unknown said...

No kids here so my most hated question is "When are you going to get married?". It's getting worse now that my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and that I'm in my mid-30's... Oh, and it's usually followed up with "You're not getting any younger you know." Bite me buttmunch.

Congrats on the bun!

Unknown said...

We have three girls and everyone asks, "Are you going to try for a boy?"

"No. I'm going to try for sanity with the three I already have."

The other question that blows my mind is, "Did you husband have a vasectomy?"

"What? None of your business."

Jenni said...

"Was it planned?" is one of my least favorite, and I got it a lot since I got pregnant with Miles when Oscar was only 9 months old. I also hated it when people would say I looked like I was due any minute, particularly when I had two months to go. I also hate how within moments of delivery people want to know if/when you are having another. Thanks, folks, but my vagina is still bleeding. I'll think about that tomorrow.

Busy Mom in Iowa said...

I get huge when I'm preggo because I'm only 5'1" and my children were 8lbs 6 ozs and 8lbs 15ozs. About half way through ppl started asking me when I was due. When I would tell them, they would say, are you sure it isn't twins??? Or they would tell me I must be ready to pop anyday when I still had 3 or 4 months left. Seriously?? They are basically telling me I am huge. I finally decided the next person that asked me if I was sure I wasn't having twins I was going to say no, but you looked like you've put on some weight too..are you sure you are not pregnant? Luckily no one else asked me when I was having a bad day!

Busy Mom in Iowa said...

Oh, and about the strangers touching your preggo belly...that one just blows my mind. I've heard it happened to tons of ppl, but never me...people I did know knew that it was hands off though other than hubby and my older son. Really I don't rub your belly, what makes you think you can rub mine?

Mrsbear said...

It's almost like in being pregnant common courtesies no longer apply to you.

With my fourth, I often got "You're getting your tubes tied, right?"

But the rudest by far was the question I got from my supervisor when I announced my third pregnancy at work. "Do they all have the same father?"

WTF? Really?

twirl unabashedly said...

guy at work asked me if the baby was my (ex) husbands. i stood with my mouth agape in total shock.

so, i told him it was his daddy's baby and walked off.

Sheila said...

I always hated the "what do you want boy or girl?" I started to imagine having the opposite and they find out that I wanted the other gender and it screws them up for life. So my standard answer would be I don't care - and my first two I didn't care, but after having a couple boys I was DYING for a little girl, but I never told anyone that I wanted a girl.

Jeanne Estridge said...

Is it possible (I ask hesitantly) that your sense of smell has grown keener due to (planned or unplanned) hormones?

I was eighteen when I got pregnant with my beloved daughter. I believe the only question I was ever asked was, "Are you even old enough to be pregnant?" and of course I wasn't....

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I think people will disagree with me, but I was actually really irked by "wow, you don't LOOK pregnant." I was very sensitive about that, particularly b/c I gained about 10 lbs in my first trimester so all I could think was "oh my God, you mean I always look this fat??"

Maggie said...

"I bet you're really hoping it's a wouldn't know what to do with a boy".


"Gosh, I can't believe you managed to get pregnant at your..well...your weight"

Stupid people.

Anonymous said...

Poverty is stranger to industry.....................................................................

rachel... said...

Hmm... I have never been particularly sensitive to pregnancy-related questions and nosy-ness and usually I don't mind answering.

The only thing that really sticks in my craw now is that it seems I'm constantly being asked: "Oh my! Are they all yours??"

(No, duh. I just some extra blonde kids along to the grocery store for fun, dummy. And thanks for making us feel like a family of freaks. Uh oh. Feel a blog post of my own brewing...)

Anonymous said...

well? was it planned? ;)
sorry - couldn't resist!

Marinka said...

That's crazy that she asked that. Like anyone would intentionally get pregnant. Oh.

Doodle Momma said...

While a stay-at-home-homeschooling-my-three-stepchildren-and-pregnant-with-our-third-in-three-years mom I would hear, "Are they ALL yours?" at the grocery store. A lot. They fell into two groups, the kindly, God-Bless-You-aren't-they-all-well-behaved group and the Oh-My-God-how-disgusting group. (You know the latter all got their rocks off watching "19 kids and counting" and sneering)

Anyhoo -- the kindly group would chat and I would be kindly in return. The others? I would smile sheepisly and say, "I know what you're thinking. I WAS 13 when the oldest was born!" and watch as they couldn't get away fast enough because, you know, irresponsible parenthood is contagious!

Make laundry fun — and punishable

I don't know why there's so much effing laundry. Yes, there are five of us, but we aren't going anywhere. Part of me feels ...