Sunday, June 13, 2010

Why can't you pick your own seats at weddings?

Remember my dickhead brother-in-law and how he tried to pimp Chuck out? Well, we saw him again last night at a family wedding. This time he told Chuck that Junior probably likes Caillou so much because Chuck looks like Caillou.

I'm not even going to justify that with a side-by-side photo comparison.

Ok, fine, I will justify it with pictures. Here's Caillou:

Here's Chuck last Halloween:


Then Larry asked my brother, Ted, if he and Chuck were gay lovers—because they took a picture together with the disposable table camera.

This all transpired before the best man's speech.

My brother retaliated by doing shots of tequila and dragging me and Chuck outside to talk about the best way to jump Larry.

"He's old," Chuck said, "so you'd have to punch low."

"We're at a wedding," I said.

"He said your husband looked like a pre-pubescent, hairless freak," Ted said. Actually, it came out more like, "He shled your hushband looked like a pre-plescent, hairless fleak."

He'd had a lot of tequila.

In the end, no one beat up Larry. Instead, my brother came to the drunken conclusion that I should tell Larry I was with child. If I were to play an inebriated game of connect-the-dots, I guessed my pregnancy would prove that a) Chuck was so un-Caillouish that he'd knocked me up and that b) since Chuck was boffing me, clearly he and Ted were not gay.

I think? Why couldn't I just eat my steak and potatoes in peace?

I told Ted no, I wasn't ready to tell the entire family about my bun. But I'll bet you can see where this is going. On the way out, Ted did the equivalent of pull down my shorts in front of the high school gymnasium. He went up to Larry and slurred, "My shister's pregnant. Shle's having another baby."

He waited.

Then Larry said, "I know. Your sister's a lush, Ted. She hasn't had a drink all night. I've known all night."

Punch low, is that about right, Chuck?


twirl unabashedly said...


guess he told your brother, eh?

and- my husband looks like that too. just sayin. we're lucky girls.

Mad Woman said...

Damn that whole not drinking while pregnant thing. Stupid rules..they let all the idiots be in the know.

Punch low, baby. Punch real low.

The Mother said...

If hubs wore that for Halloween, I'D be worried he had a gay lover on the side.

But I'd grab a camera.

tootertotz said...

Alcohol avoidance will out a pregnant girl as quickly as men taking pics together on a table camera at a wedding will out a gay couple...Ha!

The alcohol thing is true for preggers. The picture thing...not so much. Especially where alcohol is involved. And tequila?!?! Sweet Baby Jesus, we're just lucky they weren't taking pictures of each other's junk with the table cameras.

Your brother in law sounds like such a treat. If Chuck keeps smoking, I vote you (& Junior) take a weeklong getaway and invite his brother over to spend a week. Could almost be punishment enough for not succeeding with the 'quit quest'.

Mrsbear said...

Way to give yourself away. If you're not hitting the bottle at a wedding of all places, then clearly you're pregnant...or a pregnant recovering alcoholic.

Larry sounds like kind of a dick.

Jenni said...


Vancouver's Enviro Girl said...

If someone said ANYONE I remotely knew looked like Caillou I would punch them in the throat. But that's just me.

kyooty said...

What an ASS!

Brandy said...

this larry dude sounds like a child-toucher. just sayin.

Keely said...

Kids love Caillou because he teaches him how to whine, that's all.

Did you punch low enough? I'm short, so I often have an advantage.

Anonymous said...

You know what would have been hilarious? If Chuck and Ted went along with it then asked Larry to join. Then tried to dry hump him.


blognut said...

Punch low and punch often.

Pricilla said...

Gotta love weddings....
and family at weddings...
and drunk family at weddings...

Katherine said...

I HATE having to sit where they TELL me. Because it is always someone I don't know and they never know how to have a conversation... unCOMFORTABLE!

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