Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I wish aliens would abduct her for a change (and other crappy comebacks)

I’m always 5-10 minutes late. No matter what time I leave the house, the universe fast forwards me. Either that or aliens briefly abduct me on a daily basis.

Having a child has only exacerbated the matter:

“Junior, we need to leave. Let’s put your shoes on. Help me find your shoes. Can you come here so I can put your shoes on? Please come over here so I can put your shoes on. Don’t throw your shoe! If you want to put your shoe on by yourself please use your words and tell me you want to put it on yourself. You’re a big boy. Use your words. Junior, you did put your shoe on all by yourself. Why did you throw your other shoe? We don’t throw things. If you don’t sit down right now and put your other shoe on there will be no stories at bedtime. I mean it. I’m going to count to five. One...two...you better come over here. And bring your shoe. Three...four...I mean it. Good. Now sit down please so we can PUT YOUR OTHER SHOE ON. Wait, why is it sticky and wet? Junior, did you pour orange juice into your shoe?”

Needless to say my 5-10 minute window has ballooned into 15-30 minutes, especially on days when I drop off Junior at pre-school. Drop-off is getting better, but it's still not smooth sailing.

My new boss, who is also a mother, understands. She knows that I skip my lunch on days I am late or that I bring work home with me.

It’s a wonderful thing, an understanding boss.

What’s not wonderful are coworkers who mistakenly believe that being a working parent is like having a golden ticket to ride the gravy train. Case in point, last Wednesday. I was late to work because of Junior’s tearful drop-off. I didn’t have a meeting scheduled, so I didn’t stress about it. As usual, I skipped lunch and got ready to head out at five. My coworker Amber, whose office is next to mine, gave me a syrupy smile on the way out.

“Do they have doggie daycares?” she asked me sweetly.

“I think so—”

“I’m going to enroll my dog in doggie daycare. That way I can be late to work and leave on time too.” She picked up her phone and dialed, then gave me a beauty pageant wave goodbye.

That douche. Not only had she verbally body slammed me, she’d strategically thwarted me from confronting her. The bitch was good. Real good.

I seethed on the way home. During dinner. During dishes. During teeth brushing. I seethed so much I sprung a leak. As I seethed, I ran through possible comeback lines like “Oh yah?! I hope your dog chokes on a Milkbone!” and “Oh yah?! Well, you should!”

Myah, pretty pathetic stuff.

Now it’s been a week. Now it seems stupid to say something. Now I feel like the ass because I’m the one hanging on to my anger when really, I should just let it go.

Except I can’t. And I don’t know what to do about it.


Lindy said...

This happened to me too.

As far as I'm concerned - if the person who signs my paycheck understands what is happening, I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks.

The Mother said...

Don't you just hate it when the perfect comeback comes to you at 2 in the morning, well after the fact?

Lisa said...

I SO feel the need to comment! I am a seether and a working, single parent and I work my butt off every.single.day!

I would walk into her office tomorrow, close the door and start the conversation with 'That comment that you made last week really disturbed me'... and then map out your arrangement with your boss. She may have some stupid comeback but you WILL feel better afterwards for just getting it out there!
Trust me! Better to address it than leave it! Confrontation works best with verbal bullies!

Brandy@YDK said...

what an uber bitch. good luck.

kyooty said...

hehe Bring her Juniour art for her "cube""

Magpie said...

Bitch. What is the matter with some people?

Mama Badger said...

Ahhh, nothing like cow-workers to make the bull flow freely. What a wench.

NeCole said...

Aaahhh, be patient grasshopper. A karmic opportunity shall arise and you will be perfectly positioned to turn the tables.

brokenteepee said...

I managed that office.
I had no kids but I understood.
If the bitch doesn't get it it is HER problem not yours. You only have to worry about your boss and how she knows you are getting your work done.

Then let Karma do its work. The bitch will have a Damien child. heh

Catootes said...

what a buttsore your coworker is. If your boss is good with what you do, who cares what the tart has to say? She's envious of your ability to juggle and probably you over all.

Imagine her faceplanting into the wall after you shove your foot in her ass. That will make you feel better.

Anonymous said...

Maybe an email, outlining for the benefit of the whole office why you no longer eat lunch and have to wee into a bucket under your desk instead of taking bathroom breaks?

Yes, it's passive aggressive. But sometimes it's worth putting it all right out there.

Frogs in my formula said...

How did you know I wee into a bucket?!

Unknown said...

Wow. Just wow. People can be such f-kers.
I believe in karma. Truly and completely. If this girl ever gets pregnant (and lord help us all if she procreates), she'll be the one puking in the garbage can next to her desk. For ALL nine months. Guaranteed.
Feel better?
:) Robin
cinnamon & honey

Sabrina said...

I would sweetly smile one day and say, "You know, I was thinking, since you have so much time to sit around worrying about what I do everyday, that maybe it would give you peace of mind to know that I do not take lunch on the days that I arrive later than usual. Your comment the other day about 'doggy daycare' was so cute, you must of really thought extra hard to come up with it. In the future if you have a problem with how my workday goes, I advise you to have a talk with our boss, who, by the way, has determined that my arrangement with HER is appropriate. I don't tell you how to answer phones, or update your facebook, so let me relieve you of whatever burning desire you may have to ever talk about it with me again. Thanks, sweetie. Oh, and have a nice time with your dog tonight!"

Is it wrong for me to encourage more bitchiness? If it helps, I think her whole statement was mental and tacky. Doggie freaking daycare... please.

Sabrina said...

@Cinnamon, lol!

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

You know what? This happens at my office too. All the time. TO me, to other co-workers. . .and quite frankly if the boss understands, then those snotty women without kids should shut up and stop worrying that you're getting some special treatment that they're not. Next time she makes a remark, because she will, tell her, "Actually it is nice being favored because of my fertility. Thank you."

Cyndy Bush said...

I'm pissed just from reading it. What a passive aggressive beotch!
You should've just ran her over in the parking lot.

Brooke said...

What if....

you looked up doggie daycare info, printed it out, and put it on her desk with a box of cheap-o sandwich baggies (the fold overs not the ziplocks).

I was going to suggest a snarky note to accompany, but let's just let her wonder what the baggies are for. Poop picker uppers? Bring your lunch and eat it at your desk? Put it over your face and smother yourself?

Ahh..the possibilites....

Sara said...

That sucks! Really you hit the nail on the head, just let it go. It is better for you and you staying angry gives her power and control. Just smile at her and keep trucking.

SmartBear said...

Okay...I have a foul mouth, but seriously? What a BITCH!
I too have coworkers who give me the stinkeye when I am 5 minutes late. Forget about the fact that I never get a break and am lucky if I get to eat lunch. I also never get to leave to pick up my tot on time.
And I hate it when I can't think of a comeback in the moment. Then you do that thing in the car where you are talking to yourself to say every comeback you can think of and people in traffic look at you funny.
I hope that coworker of yours remembers this if she ever has kids. Ugh!

JanaRose said...

On those day you are late, be sure to give her a big smile and "Good Morning" on your way in. She's just jealous. And since your boss understands - don't let her get to you.

Julia said...

I'd probably never talk to her again. That shit bothers me to the core.

FoN said...

You should publish her email address and let us all have atter. I’m already composing, “An Ode to Amber - the Selfish Dog-Loving Whore”. She probably won’t be able to trace an email from some random chick living in Saskatchewan back your way.

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