Monday, November 8, 2010

Elusive indulgences wanted! (And maybe a little sympathy)

Did I mention I failed my 3-hour glucose test by one point? (One fricken point!) I did. Even though I am not overweight, stick to a healthy diet and run myself ragged working full-time and caring for a toddler, I have gestational diabetes.

Because of that point—one point!—my doctor banished me to the Mulletville diabetes center last week for a consultation. I entered the center in the foulest mood possible. I may have been dubbed a gestational diabetic, but I wasn’t going to go quietly.

First I saw a chipper, lumpy nurse who called me “honey,” “hun” and “sugar.” She smiled past my snarky looks. She was impervious to my Death Stares.

Like gasoline on a fire, baby.

She gave me a 50-page health questionnaire to fill out. She checked my thyroid. She waxed my legs. By that point I’d been at the center for an hour. I started to get even pissier—sighing heavily and looking at my watch. Scratching the walls. Urinating in the corner. You know the drill. Nurse Lump-a-Lot finally noticed.

“I don’t belong here,” I moaned. “One point…”

“It’s probably genetics. Just one of those things.” She handed me this:

The OneTouch UltraMini. It may sound like a vibrator and look like a crack pipe, but it’s not nearly as exciting.

She told me I have to check my blood sugar levels four times a day and record them in my own special blood sugar diary.

(Sorry, Heidi Klum, this will have to replace your special notebook for now.)

We test drove the UltraMini. I passed. Hoohah! I waited for her to tell me I could skip the whole gestational diabetes thing but no, it was time to see the dietician.

Fuckity fuck no.

The dietician was even cheerier than Nurse Lump-a-Lot. Worse, she was skinny. I’ve been around long enough to know that skinny people who think a lot about food are never happy people. They use food scales and talk about bulgar wheat.

They are the Anti-Christ.

Before I’d even sat down, the dietician busted out her rubber fruits and vegetables and started playing kitchen.

“Two servings of broccoli equal one serving of potatoes. Now, what happens when we add a piece of toast?”

She drew smiley faces on my food chart. She referred to her camaraderie of dieticians as “we,” as in “we strongly encourage you to try Quinoa.”

I wanted to tell her where she could put her Quinoa, but she wouldn’t shut it. I kept trying to tell her that I knew enough about nutrition—one point!—to fast forward through the elementary-school schpeel, but she was going to cover it.

I even busted out the big guns—I told her how I was one of the first reporters to cover trans fats, a nasty bi-product of the hydrogenation process, for a gourmet food magazine back in 1997, so I knew about bad fats—but she wouldn’t put down her damn rubber vegetables.

She pummeled me with fake food. I was beaten.

So here I am, just me and my UltraMini. And a whole buttload of Halloween candy. Thoughts of Thanksgiving pies. Of fat, gooey chocolate Santa Clauses with jolly bellies full of marshmallow. Brownies dripping in caramel. Puff pastries. Cheesecakes paired with red wine.

Nothing I can touch.

I need a vice, people, and I need it now. What’s left to do that’s naughty?

(Don’t say sex. Please. We all know that sex when you’re eight months pregnant is about as appealing as moose going at it on the National Geographic channel.)


Joanie said...

I have that glucose monitor. Use the adapter for taking samples from your arm. You barely feel it. Really.

Elizabeth said...

Well, on indulgences, I'm coming up blank, I'm afraid. The good news is that I'm diabetic--Type I, aka the "real"kind, for 20 years. What I have learned over the years (largely by being bad), is that the doctors and the nurses and the dietitians and the "diabetes educators" may have all kinds of "book learning" (ok, I have a doctorate myself, I'm not knocking it in theory), but they may or may not have a frigging clue what works in real life for YOU. And YOU are the only one who's going to be able to figure that out. Your body may or may not treat a slice of bread the same as a small serving of potato. And a small baked potato may have different effects than a serving of mashed potatoes, even if they WEIGH the same. Since you've only got a month to go, the easiest way to handle it may just be to try to come up with a few basic meals you can stand and figure out by trial and error how your body reacts to them. And try shooting the smarmy holier/smarter than thou clinic types the finger behind their backs. Lots of luck.

Keely said...

Bad TV and trashy romance novels?

Crap, I got nothin'. That blows. Sorry.

Frogs in my formula said...

Thanks, Elizabeth. So far my diet is working with a few tweaks. I must say, I'm already sick of nuts and plain yogurt though.

Bad TV might work. Really, really bad.

SmartBear said...

I just have to send you some virtual sympathy. Because crap...I can't think of a worse time of year to go without treats! I agree, trashy t.v. and trashy books. Go with it...

The Mother said...



It keeps your hands busy so you don't snack. Got through med school that way.

Mama Badger said...

I had the same thing, and was diagnosed at the same time. My levels were find at an hour, high after two, and only 1 pt high at the end. Sigh. A word of advice, keep a "food" diary for two weeks. Write down everything you eat, and then write down your sugar levels when you test after that. After your two weeks, try to spot a pattern. I found that I could eat almost anything, but soda and juice shot my numbers through the roof (imagine why I failed, when the test is orange soda!) It's not so bad, I promise.

Lindy said...

I'm sorry but if I am 8 months pregnant then I expect to be able to have a damn Quarter Pounder and Cheese and a large frie when I want one. End of freakin story.

Anonymous said...

Yoplait Light Cherry Cobbler Yogurt.

And beer. You can have a beer. Just don't do tequila shots and dance on the table.

Anonymous said...

Yoplait Light Cherry Cobbler Yogurt.

And beer. You can have a beer. Just don't do tequila shots and dance on the table.

Nanc Twop said...

But remember beer mixed with yogurt will cause you to double-post... ;-)

Stick with red wine & cheese.

Unknown said...

I failed by 3 points, and am due around the same time as you (based on ivillage vegetable similarities of our diabetes inducing little dears). I failed by a few points with my 2 1/2 year old daughter, too - so I truly understand your pain of the "assistance" from the instructors - and I was livid when I had to sit through the instruction AGAIN with this pregnancy. Any how - I have an awesome layout (from my doctor - NOT my diabetes class) of how to break up your meals and snacks into servings of carbs/protein. It's made it really easy for both pregnancies. The best part is you can eat anything - yes anything - you want, as long as you portion it out by the number of carbs. I'm not stuck eating the same thing all the time, and I have the freedom to eat at restaurants or crappy fast food if I want - as long as I look up the nutrition info before I order. Let me know if you want me to email the diet plan to you (not sure how much info you already have).

JoAnna said...

Blogging. It's like crack. Or even better, stumble. You can't stop stumbling once you start, and before you know it, you'll be giving birth and saying, just one more stumble, then I'll push!!

Jennifer Liv said...

I am 31 weeks prego and going through the same thing as you!! failed my test by one point and I have to go on a diabetic diet and do blood sugars 4 times a day for 9 more weeks so you know with only 4 or so weeks left to go you are lucky really because you don't have to do this for as long as i do!!!.....on the plus side this will slow my wt gain in the home stretch of pregnancy!! on the negative side I have the hardest time saying no to the chocolate!!

Jenni said...

You could always take up smoking. No weed though, cause then you'd just get the munchies.

Grand Pooba said...

Holy crap woman! That sucks. I'd hate to be you. Is that considered sympathy?

Anonymous said...

Isn't it "meese"? Just kidding. That glucose thing SUCKS. Switch to a midwife. Doctors are so worried about litigation that it impinges upon their ability to let you drink wine and eat brownies. Seriously, midwives rule! (And that's not to say they're negligent--they just seem to act out of women's bodily and psychological interests rather than litigious ones. Oh, I'm into the big words tonight, ay?)

Stephanie said...

That sucks :( Facebook is a good vice... Especially those time sink games from what I hear!

Frogs in my formula said...

So bad TV, knitting, smoking, beer and yogurt. Just don't mix yogurt with with beer.

You guys are the best.

Marinka said...

I had no idea, I'm so sorry! My recommendation is "Flowers in the Attic." The book!

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