Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My kiss may have an ulterior motive, but I still love you. Honest

Chuck, my husband and blog manager, just informed me that my last few posts have been very angry and that I need to lighten things up.

Chuck, honey, I have some questions for you. Have you been living on these?

Do you forage for twigs and nuts every morning because you have been diagnosed with fucktational diabetes? Do you have nightmares you're going to give birth to a hard-boiled egg with peanut arms because everything you've eaten in the last few weeks has 4 billion grams of protein?

No. You come home and shovel leftover Beef Lo Mein down your hatch then wash it down with a Dairy Queen Oreo Blizzard and some Gatorade. I daydream about licking your empty cartons. I fondle them. I've named them.

Oh, whoops, lighten up. Lighten it way up, Mrs. Mullet. Deep breath.

Ok, here goes.

I want to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving, especially the wonderful people I've come to know through blogging. I love all of you. I wish you a peaceful and memorable holiday. It warms the cockles of my heart to envision you gathered near the hearth with your darling families. It makes me so very happy to picture you casually popping stuffing and buttered rolls and pumpkin pie and cookies and party wieners and sweet potato pie into your satisfied, carbohydrate-laden little bellies.

So happy I could scream. (And possibly kiss all of your faces if only to allow a few errant cookie crumbs to drop into my own mouth...)

Eat a lot for me, ok? And if you happen to have a chronic seasonal masturbator in your family too, say an Amen for my dear Aunt Burty. She's up there hammering away, I'm sure.



VandyJ said...

Oh what a hard time to have those eating restrictions. Happy Thanksgiving. And you can kiss me or my toddler any time (he has more crumbs).

Pricilla said...

I am so sorry and wish I could slip you something.
The publicist has some medication but you can't do that either...

Just think - after the baby is born you can eat the whole ice cream cake.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

How much longer?
Will it help at all if I tell you that I had gastric bypass surgery almost 3 years ago and if I eat too many sweets I get so sick I'm literally doubled over in pain?
But I'm so stupid that I occasionally do it anyway?

The Mother said...

I have a rule: Never give hubby editorial license.

If you wanna scream, I'll listen. Enjoy your rabbit food.

Lindy said...

That looks disgustingly disgusting.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

Anonymous said...

When my dear husband tries to give me advice like that, I very sweetly remind him that, "When you throw up twice a day every day for 2 weeks and then some doctor guts you like a hunted deer and pulls a live human being out through your belly, THEN you can have an opinion." bwahahaha.

The beauty of the argument is that he will NEVER win that one! But use it sparingly.

Anonymous said...

That should be 42 weeks, not 2. lol.

Small Town Mommy said...

I say put Chuck on your diet for a week and see how Pollyanna he is after that.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too! I hope you have an amazing, high protein day.

Mrs. Tuna said...

Ugghhh, healthy food, that's the worst!!

Hopefully Chuck will snap out of it before the turkey hits the table.

Mama Badger said...

Dude. You need to figure the diabetes thing out. Your diet is making you crazy. That's not good. A roll won't kill you, I promise!!!

Happy Thanksgiving, Mrs. Mullett!

Nanc Twop said...

Hey, lo-carb people are supposed to live longer, so you might have the last laugh on all those stuffing-eaters.

Meanwhile, we're having the whole family over, so we'll raise a glass of unsweetened soy milk in your honor. :-)

Catootes said...

It's your blog and you can angrily rant if you want to. Tell Chuck that pregnant women with fucktational diabetes has every right to bitter bitching when her calorie and carb intake is restricted during the holiday food fest. He's lucky you haven't murdered him in his sleep.

Happy Thanksgiving, despite all that.

Keely said...

this is why I don't have a blog manager.

I don't get Thanksgiving this weekend, so I'll try to diet in a show of solidarity.

I said I'll TRY.

FoN said...

I'm sorry you're food limited, but it makes for FUNNY stuff on my end.

I wish there were more opportunities to use the word 'cockle'

SLColman said...

I hope that your Thanksgiving was happy even if a little bit hungry.

Mommy Cracked said...

Oh girl! That really, really sucks. I had it and don't know what was worse...the insulin shots twice a day or the not being able to eat what I wanted.

Hang in there. It's worth it, ya know.

Julia said...

I ate two servings of salad. Does that help? Well I did instead of the extra bad stuff.

But on another note, we had to have two thanksgivings at our house cause the first was not good enough. Short story. 4-H ham in freezer. Must eat ham to make more room for other frozen crap. (my opinion) Husband freaks out no turkey on "Turkey day". Today - turkey. And with all the other sides too. Yeah.... It was kind of funny.

Jeanne said...

If it makes you feel better, I'm allergic to the wheat/yeast in pretty much everything you mentioned, so I can't eat it either. Well, I can, if I don't mind itching like I have all-over poison ivy and sometimes when the wind is in the right quarter, barfing up my toenails.

Hope your turkey-day was fabulous!

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