ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Maybe I'm just bitter. LY honest

Oh me, oh my. I really needed a good laugh today. You see:

a) Junior’s been up since 5:30 a.m. and

b) My office is closed because of an electrical tripped wire cable axle triple wedgie something or other so even though I was exhausted, I stood in for Chuck at Junior’s story time. Don’t worry, this post isn’t about story time, although I will say this: That circle of women is hard to infiltrate. And this ain’t no Country Club. It’s the Mulletville public library. If you’re sportin’ pilled sweats and a greasy mullet you should be smiling at the world (i.e. me) just because.

So here I am, slugging back coffee, trying to recover from a weekend of socializing and a morning of snooty mulletheads when I got a message that this blogger is following me on Twitter.

I’m pretty certain she’s not a humor blogger, but when I read her tweets I laughed out loud:

The power of birth strengthens me. I am not afraid.

I will give birth without complications.

I trust in my ability to give birth naturally and easily.


Ah, shit, that’s some funny stuff.

If you had a blissful, 100% natural labor and delivery you might wonder why the hell these comments are so funny, but you have to understand, I was in labor for four months, had 27 epidurals and was shot up with horse tranquilizers.* When Chuck removed my teeth from his hand as I went into hour 40, he suggested I go to my Happy Place, and do you know what I pictured? I pictured myself standing in the middle of the road outside the hospital getting flattened by one of Connecticut’s big, blue commuter buses.

It was the only image that brought me any peace.

I know there are women out there who think labor is a walk in the park**—I’m friends with some of them—and if that’s you, I’m honestly very happy for you and not at all jealous or spiteful. But to my dear friend Jen, who’s due in August and so brilliantly decided that she is taking her pregnancy one day at a time and not freaking out about labor until she has to, I have one thing to say: Don’t be a fuckhead—take the epidural if you need it. If you wait too long you may find yourself hunched over, sobbing and vomiting into some nurse’s FFF breasts while envisioning yourself being creamed by this:



*Slight exaggeration

** Please don’t leave me comments that Jen shouldn’t take the epidural. This is my letter to my friend. If you’d like to tell Jen something directly, click here.

29 comments:

mo.stoneskin said...

Am I allowed to tell Jen she should have 27 epidurals?

Kidding.

How long would that take to wear off?!

My wife a) has friends who had easy labours, the kind where they are home 5 minutes later and then go for a pub lunch with hubs and the bubba and b) would have had an easy one (so they told us) if she hadn't had a full placenta privea, gone into labour early requiring an immediate c-section (therefore no time for epidural) and suffered complications from the spinal plus loadsa infections plus blood transfusions blah blah why I am I saying all this? Who knows.

Our Crazy Life said...

I agree, epidural is the greatest thing invented!!

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

Your 1 was worse than my 5 all wrapped up into 1...and all I ever got was Demerol! lol you poor thing...I'd still laugh at her tho!

HeatherPride said...

Yeah, this makes me laugh too. I was one of those FHs who thought she'd grit her teeth and do it "naturally." My nurse pretty much gave me the same advice as you're giving Jen right now, and HOLY GOD, she was right. I should have gotten the epidural at least an hour earlier. I could have had an extra nap.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I can't have epidurals, and the meds they give you to "dull" the pain just make me vomit...so yeah, a Mack truck is much more preferable than labour any day, thank you very much!!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

How about I follow you on Twitter and tweet little ditties about how awful and unnatural labour is? Would that help you somewhat? I'll try and keep it real at the same time though, and maybe insert a bit of humour as well here and there...

Seeker said...

HA HA HA HA....i will write again later when i stop laughing....HA HA

GreenJello said...

Fine. I'll leave a comment that says she SHOULD take the epidural.

Better living through pharmaceuticals.

Jen said...

My ex mother in law is/was a doula. She wanted me to have a midwife/doula (which she happens to be both) for the birth of my daughter and her grand daughter. Did I mention she was a nut job? I'd had a 20 lb baby before the birth of my daughter. Due to the size of his head which was not much smaller than a Yugo I got to have a c-section. I was happy to have the option of a c-section for my daughter which I jumped on. Actually it wasn't all that much of an option since my doctor is sane and doesn't like lawsuits. He said I really had to have one since my daughter was also a large baby and about the size of a Mini Cooper. MIL was extremely disappointed but made up for it after the birth by grabbing my boob and forcing me to breast feed in front of her family. I'm so glad we are divorced now. Turns out when the doc got into the whole thing my uterus was ready to tear along the suture lines from the Yugo so had I tried real birth I would have had a problem on my hands, or my vajajay area.

Take drugs. Drugs = happy mom and quite baby. Need that in the first days if not the first 18 years.

Suzi said...

Well, when you have to have an emergency C-section you don't get much of a choice. All 3 of mine were C-sections....now that's a lot of fun.

The Mother said...

I laughed out loud. I don't do that often.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I think you should be allowed to get the epidural immediately following the peeing on the stick.

Keely said...

Are you SURE we aren't twins? X was also up at 5:30 this morning, and after MY "blissful birth experience" (*snort*) all I have to say to people is TAKE THE FUCKING EPIDURAL.

Lori said...

Even worse than easy labors are the ones I saw clips of a few weeks ago where women consider birthing erotic...

The only thing I wanted in me was drugs!

Jeanne said...

Back in the bad old days, they waited until you were almost crowning to give you the epidural. When I watched my daughter & step-daughters get fixed up with a pump where they could adjust their own meds right from the beginning I was floored. I'm surprised the birth rate hasn't skyrocketed.

MadWoman said...

Whether you take an epidural or not is no concern of mine....but getting flattened by a bus like that would have looked pretty good to me when I was in labour. I did one drug free all natural labour and one drug induced one.

Either way....having to push a melon out a hole that size ain't no walk in the park.

I vote for the 40 epidurals.

parentingBYdummies said...

So funny! Since #1's birth was like the Omaha Beach scene in Saving Private Ryan, I asked for my epidural to be inserted the day I found out I was pregnant w/#2.

Cat@3KidsandUs said...

Geez, I just about died laughing. After having my daughter 3 weeks ago I was certain I would do a 100% natural child birth, especially since this would be my last. HA! Double HA! The pitocin kicked my ass! After 2 hours of hard labor, Ahmed the Anesthesiologist was my new best friend...and of course I was delivering my daughter an hour after he walked out the door. What are the odds?

FoN said...

Oh dear god Jen TAKE THE EPIDURAL. In fact, walk into the hospital and insist on getting one in admitting. Then you and your wonderful drug of pain-free goodness can hang out and play cards until the baby comes flopping out. I know what I speak of here - I had one baby without it because I was indeed a fuckhead. Bad idea. Drugs are good, drugs are your friend.

Just my two cents.

Stephanie said...

Holy crap! I don't have kids but if I ever do I am so taking the drugs if I need to!!

Marinka said...

I think those First Response pregnancy tests should come with an epidural that you can insert as soon as you find out that you're pregnant. That way, when you're at the hospital, they don't have to waste time trying to put it in.

Heather said...

Ah, childbirth. It's a beautiful experience.

As long as I have an epidural, somewhere in my sixth month.

Yeah, if they could figure that out, I'd do it again.

Oh, and as long as there's some woman who'd like to come raise another boy for me (cause you know it would be another boy), then I'm good. Sign me up.

kel said...

I had a c-section so I didn't have a choice!

I love your letter to your friend!!

Skye said...

Oh this is funny! She actually believes that she'll get off that easy? Must be a first pregnancy! Both my first and third pregnancy's I went into labor on Monday April 27th. Had my water broken by the doc for both, followed by that lovely contraction inducing drug for both. Baby #1, after 3 day's of this nonsense, went into fetal distress around 11:30 pm that Wednesday and was subsequently born via c-section at 12:54 Thursday morning. Baby #2 was born naturally, but with lots of drugs that same Monday. The doc decided not to let it get as bad as baby #1, how sweet of him! Although I still wasn't dialating and they called for an emergency c-secion again, when, suddenly, out of the blue, my body decides to behave itself, dialate from 2 cm all the way up to the prerequisite 10 cm for birth, in under 5 minutes. Half hour later, she was born au natural with lots of screaming, pain, and "You touch me again with that evil snake, and I'll kill you!" being screamed :D

harrietv said...

The minute I identified the blogger, I understood her comments; that's what doulas do. But it wouldn't have helped me much, especially since I had my babies in the "middle ages," and they're probably older than you.

First labor was about 48 hours, and the epidural didn't work, 'cause my spine is bent and they put the needle in the wrong place. So my legs went numb, but I could feel the flesh tearing as the head advanced.

Second one was about 12 hours; it was induced. When I woke up afterwards and heard the nurse tell my husband "nine thirteen," I thought that was the time. (I didn't think I had slept so late.) Actually, nine thirteen was the weight of my little girl.

The third one was only about eight hours, though the doctor was afraid he had dislocated the baby's shoulder. That one -- a few days early -- was ten pounds.

I have since been told by modern "experts" that I would never be allowed to try to deliver these babies naturally, considering that I am only about five feet tall and small-boned.

You gals don't know how lucky you are!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Amen!! Have the epidural, it's the best thing in the world! (at least it was for me). I look at my childbirth experience in such a positive way because of those drugs. I was able to really enjoy myself (yes, I said ENJOY myself) and be relaxed and calm through the whole thing. Then I only pushed for 12 minutes and I had my beautiful angel in my arms. Sure, I couldn't feel my legs for about 8 hours after, but it was a small price to pay!!!

Frogs in my formula said...

Harriet, you are 100% correct. Each of your experiences sounds, well, I'm amazed you don't have hair on your chest.

Mary Anna said...

I'm all for the epidurals.

Let me tell you why:

- With my first, I went into labor on Thursday afternoon. Thanks to drugs, they were able to slow things down until the next morning. The drugs guy came in and told me now or never. When he got the epidural in, I told him I loved him - and it wasn't even that bad yet (or so I thought!).

- With my second, I woke up in labor in the wee, wee, wee hours of the morning. I called the hospital to let them know I was coming and asked if the Drugs God was there. When they said "No," I begged for him/her to be called in STAT!

We won't go into the complications during the Drug God's performance during Baby 2's birth - but know that because of drugs I didn't kill my husband or the five million nurses in the room! (I was so there in the 20 minutes it took to get to the hospital!)

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO! Love it! I got mocked for having an epidural - and if I had it to do all over again, I would - only this time make sure the idiot anesthesiologist does it right...instead of only HALF working - only my right side got the calming effects...my left side? Nada! :)