I dreamed last night that I was at a party and that every time I sat down, Jason Segel from Freaks and Geeks would sit on my lap to prevent me from standing up. Now I don’t like him.
When my coworker and I walk on our lunch hour, why do fellow workers feel the need to lean out of their cars and call out, “Walking?” Isn’t it obvious? And why doesn’t this compulsion to comment extend to other acts? Why don’t they ask, “Eating?” when I’m sitting in the lunchroom with my sandwich? Or “urinating?” as I’m about to go into the bathroom?
Why does it have to be so much fun to fib to little kids? Chuck gets mad when I suggest we tell Junior we’re Wolf People and that on Sunday nights we howl at the moon. I’m dying to see if Junior would do it. I think Chuck is scared to leave me alone with Junior.
I don’t like how everyone has been saying “I’ll reach out to you tomorrow” instead of “I’ll call you tomorrow.” This isn’t Message in a Bottle; dial your damn phone and stop being such a freak.
Why am I such a bad judge of character? My first impressions of people are always completely wrong. I think it’s related somehow to my backwards sense of direction. Maybe if I walked on my hands, my brain would process things more accurately. Of course, then people would ask, “Hand-walking?”
I wonder if Keely is sick of Tuesdays?
And finally, the sight of this empty plate today felt like the end of a very long journey.
RIP you sons of bitches.
27 comments:
The comments on the co-workers had me laughing out loud, cos they've done that to me... well, the eating and walking part, so far no one has commented on the urinating. ;)
I also think people are idiots with the whole "i'll reach out to you" thing.
You say the things that I often think about... you're awesome.
I love to lie to my kids.
Until they were about 10, I had them convinced that the hazard light button on my dashboard was an ejector seat for annoying children.
I had them convinced that, if they didn't clean their rooms, the board of health would come and condemn them. And then they'd be homeless.
I had them convinced of lots of things. Unfortunately, THEY GROW UP, and then they realize you are full of ...., and they swear that they never REALLY believed any of it.
P.S. I'm with you on all that slang/modern lingo/weird usage stuff. "My bad" is my least favorite. Makes you sound like you're two.
Yay for the death of cupcakes!
Eating?
the plate was priceless!
Awwww...no more cupcakes :-(
Talk about random. I love to lie to my kids just to see their expressions and if they believe me. I also like to scare the crap out of them...I laugh so hard I cry, it's the best.
I love how you wonder about walking on your hands... if that would make you think differently! I used to surprise myself with the lies I would tell my kids. Enjoy it while you can!
Blogging?
Being very funny?
I prefer "pooping?" when I see co-workers heading down the hallway. That was a priceless one FIMF.
I laughed out loud when I saw the caption under the plate.
Someone who has been stalking you (privately) sent me a link to your blog a few days ago and now I must admit, I am hooked. When I was at work earlier today (doing anything but working) I snotted coffee out my nose in laughter while reading about your skiing experience. Funny!
One question though... Is it just your sense of humor that's twisted or do you have to screw your shoes on?
Thanks for the many smiles and coffee stained shirt!
Ewww... Who says "I'll reach out to you tomorrow"??? I haven't heard that. It is freaky.
Lying to the kids is always fun, except for that whole Santa hoax, I hate myself for buying in to that.
"I'll reach out to you tomorrow" Ick, please refrain.
I'm with Rachel ... who reaches out except Neil Diamond? Love ya!
Oh, I forgot your time zone is an hour ahead of mine. I should consider getting out of the tub. Nah, my big toes don't yet resemble prunes.
And now, all that lying I did when my kids were little is coming back to bite me in the ass.
Great Randomness!!!
You should start posting BEFORE you decide to bake, then we could talk you out of it.
Then again, cupcake-gate 09 was pretty frickin' funny to read, so....I'm going to send you cookie recipes now.
Oh, and messing with your kids is your god given right as a parent. That's how we make up for labour.
I get up so damn early that by 9am I'm ravenous. I normally have eaten my lunch by half ten. Every day every colleague near me or passing feels the need to comment on my eating. I'm going balmy I tell you. YES dagnammit I'm eating my lunch, just like yesterday, the day before and every galdang day before then!
Who says I'll reach out to you tomorrow? Those people are freaks. I don't want to know them.
We love to mess with our kids heads. Our theory is, if we don't, the world will, so why not let us have fun first. Seriously, my five and four year olds are now "experts" and usually ask, "Are you for real, or is this another trick?" It's a character builder.
"Reach out" is one of my pet peeves too.
I'm so naive, when someone drives by and says, "walking?" I assume it's short for, "do you want a ride?"
I think people just often can't believe someone is actually WALKING rather than motoring around in their scooter-for-fat-people.
"I'll reach out to you tomorrow"? REALLY? I haven't heard that one yet. If I do I might have to respond with "well watch where you touch me because I might slap you with a harassment suit".
Sorry I'm late - happy belated Tuesday!
Hrumph. If someone wants to "reach out" to me, I'll have my martial arts hubby "reach out" to them.
I want a cupcake.
OMG, I hate those people that ask those obvious questions. If you don't have anything meaningful to say, KEEP YOUR DAMN PIEHOLE SHUT!
ya know what I mean?
We lied to our daughter a lot when she was little (like showing her pictures of the dog when she was a puppy, and telling her they were her baby pictures and she would grow up to be a dog) and now she's the least gullible person ever.
So I guess it all depends on what outcome you're looking for.
HA! Loved this post! But kids will believe anything you say, how can that NOT be fun?
One question.
Blogging?
Post a Comment