Sunday, March 1, 2009

Another post that somehow comes back to booze

What a fucking day. I have met the cousin and spawn of the two idiot doctors I mentioned in my last post.

The Benadryl wasn't working so early this morning, Chuck and I took Junior to see the doctor who was on call for Junior’s regular doctor. She was about four feet tall; at first I thought a child had wandered into the room. She looked at Junior’s torso, which was covered in a bright red rash, then said, “Your child has a rash.”

Let’s take a moment to talk about relief. To think we had brought our child into the doctor’s knowing he had a rash and that we were able to leave with the peace of mind that comes from knowing that yes, he had a rash.

Huge sigh.

So we brought our rash-ridden Junior home, put him down for nap, then Chuck walked down the street to get pre-confirmed (have I mentioned he’s becoming a Catholic? That’s a whole other post). Falalala. Typical Sunday. Midget doctors and religious conversion. Somewhere in there I had a beer and ate a cookie.

An hour later I heard Junior stirring, so I went into his room to get him and my God it was like something out of a horror movie. His face and ears were covered in bright red bumps. I grabbed him and ran down the street to the church to tell Chuck we needed to go to the emergency room. Unfortunately, the church was packed and Junior wouldn’t stop yelling "bus" and "truck". People scowled at his red, blotchy face and then at me for bringing my child out in his grotesque condition. I felt like a gypsy with a leper child. Plus, I couldn't locate Chuck's bald head. So I stuffed my wayward urchin into the car and drove to the ER.

After waiting for hours to graduate to the “convenient care” waiting room—Chuck finally joined us, good on-the-way-to-becoming-Catholic boy that he now was—we were seen by Doogie Howser’s girlfriend, who thought Junior was “soooooooooooo cuuuuuuuuute. Omigosh!”

She looked Junior up and down and told us she’d be right back. A few minutes later she reappeared with a printout.

“It’s what I thought,” she said. “But I googled Fifth Disease just to be sure.” She showed us the picture of the pimply baby that resembled Junior. “Looks just like him. He’s soooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuute.”

Poor Junior.

My dad came over for cake and Scotch afterward for his birthday. Number 66. Because I have been taking notes on what it is to be a good doctor, I assessed his state without any actual interface then googled “tipsy.”

Shit, I was right on the money.

23 comments:

Keely said...

Um...he's becoming a Catholic?

HE'S BECOMING A CATHOLIC???

I love how you just gloss over THAT part.

I hope Junior feels better soon. I had to google Fifth Disease, too. But I'm not a doctor.

Joanie said...

Ah, good old Fifth's disease. I think one of my kids had that. Unfortunately all you can do is let it run it's course. At least you know he's no longer contagious.

Practically Joe said...

I'm good at googling ... you should have brought junior to see me.
Oh ... and I would have blessed Chuck too ... and at no extra charge.

Jeanne said...

Your kid has parvo? Isn't that serious? (I only read the snippets that Google brought back.)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Gotta love when doctors google diagnoses. Makes me feel so confident in our medical profession...

Frogs in my formula said...

Fifth's disease is a virus that needs to run its course. It's horrible-looking but not life threatening.

Mary Moore said...

Good old Fifths Disease. Not fun.

Kaye said...

I am assuming with the need to Google Fifth's Disease that the doctor did indeed get her degree online? I hope Junior is feeling better soon.

kyooty said...

WOHOOOO we get another "seat filled" oops sorry you were just putting that Catholic part in there as filler. :)Welcome Chuck!

Fifths is less worse after the rash, this is the part where the body said "getout ickies" We've had 4rounds of it here, just stay away from pregnant chicks,

Jenni Jiggety said...

I had no idea I was being so official when I googled my symptoms! Excellent!

Also, yay for the new Catholic! And just in time for Lent which is just the most fun time of the year!

HeatherPride said...

Well now I'm on my way to googling Fifth's Disease. Who knew medical school was so easy these days??

Holly said...

That one is bad... we've had them ALL at one time or another. I ran to the doc with Hand-Foot-Mouth disease and hated to learn it was viral and there is nothing you can do but let it run. I was all, "At least give me some placebo so I feel like I'm doing something here." Fortunately, those things don't usually hurt the kids, it just looks awful. Fun times. Hang in there.

Kirsten said...

I hope Junior feels better soon!

Dto3 said...

OK, out of curiosity. What was
Chuck before? Norseman?

FoN said...

I googled Fifth's disease. I didn't have to shell out 100K in med school student loans either.

I hope Junior feels better soon!

Frogs in my formula said...

Ok, who didn't google Fifth's Disease??

Dto3 said...

I didn't - but I'm just lazy. Why bother when so many are already doing it for you?

Leanne said...

Fifth disease? We've had that before, but tonight my youngest has a new rash. Did she have Fifth disease or was it one of the older pair? I'm off to google too. You should get paid for this stuff. Sigh.

Julia said...

That's not so bad. I went to the doctor today for something in my throat, and no it was not a frog, something seemingly more insidious, and the doc told me to drink lots of fluids and wait a week to see what happens. Where can I set up my medical practice I am wondering.

I think they also call 5ths disease "slap jaw," but I also could have been hearing things wrong too.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

When my kids were little I almost always knew exactly what their illness was before I took them to the dr. I used to say if I could just write prescriptions, I'd be in business.
Moms rock.

Frogs in my formula said...

Julia, you're close. Fifth Disease is also called slap-cheek because it starts on the cheeks (like "slapped cheeks") then hits the body.

Temple said...

Only you could incorporate beer, cookies, religious conversion and Doogie Howser all into one finely melded blog...this is why I love you! Hope the kiddo feels better and the nuns don't revolt against you!

The Mother said...

One of my kids had Fifth's. I think it was the First.

Your doctor TOLD you that she GOOGLED for a diagnosis?

Did you ask her if she consulted the Magic 8 ball, too?

Medicine isn't what it used to be. We would NEVER have admitted that we googled for a diagnosis. But, then, we didn't have Google. We had books. With paper, and everything.

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