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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

At least I didn't throw my bra. That's the good part, right?

The last time my mother came to my house, she wanted to talk again about the bitchy enchilada and I had had enough to drink that I was receptive to a night of rehashed family drama; the next thing I knew I was making up the spare bed for her. In the morning, she asked if she could borrow a pair of underwear. (If you like the word panties just go away. It’s underwear.)

I have no problem loaning underwear, but:

a) I don’t ever want it back

b) after you’ve borrowed it, I don’t want you to tell me how comfortable/soft/nice it is because then I will have to picture you in it and that would probably make me vomit

I thought my mother knew about a & b.

Alas.

There I was at the pediatrician’s this morning, listening as he explained that Junior does not have Fifth Disease, he has a fixed drug eruption. You have to understand, after the “doctors” we've seen, I was so very grateful for an informed diagnosis. I said “thank you” a million times. I mean, Jesus, I was one knuckle short of giving him a hand job when I reached into the diaper bag for something to wipe Junior’s nose with and pulled out...

...pale blue bikini underwear.

Which I unraveled and looked at questioningly before realizing what the hell they were.

Pale blue bikini underwear.

Do you know what he said? “Mrs. Mullet, this isn’t a rock concert.”

Looking back on it (oh shut up, you'd look back too), it was probably the most appropriate thing he could have said.

When I got home I called my mother. She told me that after washing the underwear she stuffed it into the bag most conveniently located to her purse—which just happened to be Junior’s diaper bag—when she and I met at my grandmother’s.

I hung up after she snorted.

If you’re a doctor and you’d like to know more about Fifth Disease because you keep misdiagnosing children whose parents are an absolute wreck about the health and welfare of their child, click here. If you can’t keep track of your underwear, click here, you’re home.

24 comments:

Keely said...

Ahhahahhahah!!
*snort*
Bwwahhahhahha!!

Thanks, dude. I really needed that.

Your mom ROCKS.

Mary Anna said...

Okay, I now know we're surely not related - my mother would rather go commando than walk an inch in another woman's undies.

I love the doctor's response. He's a keeper and worthy of any "job."

Margo said...

agree with Keely, here. fab post :)

Mary Moore said...

OMG, that was funny! You almost made my migraine disappear! Thanks! And what the hell is a fixed drug eruption, pray tell???

Dto3 said...

Pale blue bikinis? A black lacy thong - now that would've been funny. Even funnier thinking that's what your Mom borrowed!

Frogs in my formula said...

A fixed drug eruption is an adverse reaction to a medication, but not an allergy. I think. It was kind of over my head.

Leanne said...

I like it. I just don't lend undies...

Um, my kid still has a damn rash that my Dr. says is not Fifth, and doesn't seem to know what it is so I'm following your links again.

Sigh. Didn't know you were getting a medical degree did ya? Dr. Frogmama, nice ring to it, doncah think?.

FoN said...

"This isn't a rock concert" I mean, It's not like you threw the undies at him....

Pretty funny 'tho!

Rachel said...

Oh man, I HATE the word "panties"! I almost can't even type it...

Mel Fraase said...

That is fantastically embarassing! Thanks for sharing. The Dr. was pretty quick with a comment.
I'd go to Wal-Mart in my own underwear before I'd let my mom borrow them.

Jeanne said...

Laughed so loud I woke the dog up. Great doctor -- he knows medicine and he has a sense of humor.

kyooty said...

LOL!!! my son just said "mom are you laughing at what... did?" I said no leave read! :)
I'm glad you got a real answer. Darn on the not fifths though that means it's still out there on the "to happen" list.

Suzi said...

Love that the doctor has a sense of humor, but then again they have probably seen it all! I left you an award at my place.

Suzi said...

Oh, wait, sorry.....still to darn early, haven't posted award yet.

MadWoman said...

My mother would DIE before she borrowed someone else's underwear. And I would die a thousand deaths if a loaned out pair was ever given back. That is just inviting way too many visions that will keep me awake, and I get little enough sleep as it is.

*snicker*

C.B. Jones said...

A better response would have been "is it spring break already?"

Chris said...

Sweet baby Buddha that was funny! I think I just pissed myself, nope its poop.

I digress.

You are now a daily read!

HeatherPride said...

He said that? HE SAID THAT???

Dude, doc gets the comeback award of the WEEK! Awesome. I thought stuff like this only happened to me.

joanie said...

Even though I'm (probably) old enough to be your mother, I agree with you on the "panties" issue. It's right up there with the doctor calling your stomach "tummy" and everybody else calling women "gals". Blechhh!

My youngest had Fifths Disease and my mother, who worked for a pediatrician back in the day when you could do that straight out of high school, and then had 7 kids of her own, knew immediately what it was. And yes, my 18 month old looked exactly like someone had slapped her little cheeks (REALLY HARD!). She had no fever (she did a few days earlier, a slight one) and was as happy as an abused looking lark.

Cinnamon said...

I seriously just snorted while I laughed…ok so I always snort when I laugh, but damn you are too funny.

Skye said...

Oh my, oh my oh my my my my my! I can't stop laughing! This is too funny! I can't imagine how mortified I'd be in that situation, good thing the doc has a bit of a smartypants attitude though!

I can, however, understand the need to never hear about how the underwear feel, and to never have them returned. Were I to ever loan out a pair and have them returned to me, I'd never be able to wear them again simply because I'd always think they don't quite feel right after having been wrapped around another woman. That just ain't right, uh uh, no way, no how could that ever work!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Ditto what Keely said...'cuz I'm laughing way too hard to type anything coherent... OK, for you I'll try...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*snort*hiccup*

:)

fidget said...

I totally did this but my doc said "it's ok, i so get it" and i stared at her because I was thinking dude you so get that these bitches were crawling up my ass in your waiting room so I took them off?

and yah, after loaning out undies, I dont need them back. They are yours to keep.

Wendy said...

I wish my doctor were that funny. I think mine would have fainted if underwear came out of my bag.