Saturday, March 21, 2009

She doesn't even eat bagels

I’m tired of texting. Especially after typing all week at work. I’d like to, you know, talk. But I understand that some of my friends—friends like Amye who don’t read this blog and therefore will be oblivious to the fact that I am unabashedly writing about them oh God it feels so good to be free of polite constraints yes! yes! yes!—prefer texting, so I do my best to accommodate.

(Although I will not text you back if I call you first and instead of answering, you text me “what’s up?” Pick up your damn phone, that’s what’s up.)

Ah, modern technology.

Yesterday, after I wrote about Chuck’s “no pants Friday,” I texted the abridged version to Amye. Amye is getting married in two months and is having her bridal shower next weekend. I was at the mall with Junior shopping for her gift when she texted me back: “Chuck needs 2 get a job.”

Great, Larry’s back. With breasts.

I put down my phone to peruse Amye’s registry and was delighted to see that like many soon-to-be newlyweds, she had registered for a bunch of overpriced, useless shit like Ralph Lauren Spa Organic bath towels, a Two-In-One Citrus Juicer and Bagel Biter. Come on people, you were able to squeeze limes by hand and cut a bagel with a knife before you got married—what makes you think you won’t be able to after you say “I do”?

Oh right, you’ll be too busy bickering about who didn’t fold the laundry to squeeze that lime the old fashioned way. Of course.

I refrained from writing something snarky and texted the obligatory “LOL” and “Chuck needs 2 put his pants on.” To which she responded: “Would be happy if my man didn’t have pants on but am not married w/kid yet.”

Oh Amye, you sly little fox. I’ve decided that instead of buying you your precious citrus pulverizer and bagel guillotine I am giving you my vagina. Apparently I don’t need it anymore and heck, with the hours you’ll save prepping in the kitchen you could probably use another one.

25 comments:

Skye said...

Looks like I may be first :D

Anywho's-it, I don't like texting so much that I got rid of my cell and so can no longer text! Doesn't stop my mother though, she sends me text messages to my e-mail which she expects me to reply to quickly like others she texts. What she doesn't understand is that a computer doesn't ring like a phone does. There have been times she's texted me, where I've forgotten to check e-mail and didn't answer her for over a week...lol.

Suzi said...

Texting is for the antisocial!

Rachel said...

And since her husband is so hoity-toity with his JOB, I guess they can afford to buy their own useless crap, too, huh?

mo.stoneskin said...

My thoughts exactly. I would be kicked out with no pants. And anyway, I feel all vulnerable without them, unless I'm sitting in my chair texting...

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

Don't you love how people feel the need to give their opinion about your hubby staying home with your son? Do you think that one of his friends would say "She needs to get a job." if he texted them that he came home from work and you were sitting around in your undies? HELL NO! They would think he was a god and give him a virtual high-5!

C.B. Jones said...

Holy snap!

*has nothing more to add, but still felt some sort of comment was necessary.*

Keely said...

Oooooh, Ralph Lauren Spa Organic bath towels.

What?

Jeanne said...

This is a rhetorical question: are people more free with their opinions when texting? It seems like it would further encourage the "type and hit send" email mentality that gets us into so much trouble.

Frogs in my formula said...

So everyone's in agreement that my revised gift is a winner???

Brandi said...

I'm here from EC, and I think i will stay! You are hilarious!

HumorSmith said...

I could use a vagina. Not to wear, just to have around when I need it. If you could arrange to make it headache free, that would be a bonus, as opposed to a boner, and....oh hell, never mind.

If I have offended any women, it was not my intent. Sometimes my horny self simply shouldn't be allowed near a computer.

Besides, Frog, you started the whole vagina dialogue.

Kelly said...

i just spit out my tea reading that last part! you're hysterical!!!

Debbie said...

Now this has made me laugh! A lot. You have a great sense of humor and I am thrilled to be reading your blog.

Seeker said...

Yup....go with your revised gift...newlyweds or soon to be newlyweds are not the most practical of people. They'll learn when they have all the "crap" and don't use it and wish they had been taken better advise on what they really need.

Julie@Cool Mom Guide said...

I"m a massive texter, I don't like talking on the phone (kids won't allow it 'mommy! mommy!', but I tweet, facebook and talk to my friends via text when I'm at home with the kids.

Frog Nut said...

Thank you for stopping by. I can't believe someone besides myself is a frog nut. I have them everywhere at my house, it's unreal. Have an awesome day.

kyooty said...

ah see this is where Catholic Chuck comes into play, buy her a bassinet, cause first comes love then comes Marrige and then comes friend pushing the baby carriage. HA! :) oh and a HUGE pile of babydust. Go to a bulk food store and buy colored sugar if you must, they make baby blue and baby pink too :0
all's fair in love and marriage

GreenJello said...

I hate it when my teens text me AND WE'RE IN THE SAME ROOM. Or I run into them in the hallway in the mornings, and they say, "Did you read my text?" To which I reply, "Why don't you just TALK to me right now, while we're both standing here?!?"

Anne said...

I don't text, mostly because I don't have a phone with a fancy keyboard and the multiple pressing of buttons irritates me (I know, I am an old fogey).

Everyone is going to have an opinion if you are living a lifestyle that is somewhat different from typical. Ignore them all and do what works for you, Chuck and Jr. Besides, if I could get away with no pants Friday, I totally would. It sounds like me and yoga pants day.

HeatherPride said...

Texting is expensive on our plan so we almost never do it. But I am a big fan of emailing, I admit.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Your revised gift is definitely a winner...ROTFLMAO!!!

Otter Thomas said...

Texting is out of control. We turned ours off and I don't miss it one bit.

Stephanie said...

I agree if I call you then call me back don't text me!!! Rude!

I like the revised gift idea - Very funny!!

FoN said...

'Chuck needs to get a job' Wow - bitchy. Marriage will be fun for her, don't you think? What are going to get her for her divorce?

Jenners said...

Really...you text with your friends and all? I can't even imagine doing that. Seems so tedious. And I know what you mean about people registering for crap wedding presents that will sit unused for years. I remember getting someone a pizelle maker ... I mean, really, do you need this in life?

But even funnier is what people register for on baby registries that now (with my experience with just one kid) seem ridiculous and useless -- like a timer to tell you when to feed the baby. Um...you don't need that. the baby cries, you feed.

How I finally caught the babysitter stealing

A few weeks ago in Mulletville Lite, I told you how I had begun to question the integrity of our babysitter, Kim. I believed she was ste...