Thursday, March 5, 2009

They made me do it

I always promise myself that I will not blog about work, but I can’t help it. People keep doing stupid things.

Like this morning, as I was walking to the bathroom, I overheard one of the new, young guys talking to another new, young guy (hey, at least my company isn’t outsourcing overseas) about my skinny-but-thinks-she’s-fat co-worker former friend, Danielle.

Boy A: “Yah, she’s hot.”

Boy B: “Mmmmhmmm.”

Boy A [looking at Boy B in complete seriousness]: “The problem with chicks is you never know which ones are crazy.”

News flash #1: She’s one of the crazy ones.

News flash #2: You think women are crazy now, at the age of 21? Just wait until you’re married and have a kid and your wife has gotten 0.3 hours of sleep because you’re sleeping downstairs because you have to go to work in the morning and you finally answer her calls for more formula after making her scream at the top of the stairs for an hour and you come up the stairs and rub your eyes and ask why she’s so upset and she hucks a bottle at you and it ricochets off the wall and she laughs maniacally because she was going for your eyeballs and wishes she had knocked you unconscious.

Later that afternoon I had the privilege of sitting in on one of the meetings of the Higher Ups. On the agenda: “Designated breast pumping quadrants."

Really? Quadrants? Because we work on Deep Space 9?

The short version of the story is that there’s a new mom in the office who wants someplace quiet and private to pump (i.e., not the germy bathroom that oftentimes reeks of poo because of this woman). So the company president appointed a Breast Pumping Committee of 70-year-old men who were charged with establishing a breast pumping area and guidelines. The meeting went something like this:

“How much time will the mother need? A few hours?”

“Er, on each, er, um, br…br…how much time, exactly?”

“Let’s put her in the room with the photocopier.”

“But people will have to get their copies.”

“We’ll put a sign on the door.”

“What should the sign say?”

“We don’t need to go into specifics. How about ‘meeting in progress’?”

“Yes, but what about the photocopies? People will want their Xeroxes.”

“She’ll need a chair to sit in. There’s no chair in there.”

“Ask Tony in Purchasing for a furniture catalog—”

“—I’m still concerned about access to the copier…”

“Now what type of chair should we get her?”

They all looked at me then; I just shrugged my shoulders.

“We’ll get her a recliner.”

“Yes, a recliner.”

News flash #1: If you put a recliner in a secluded office, it's highly probable that Dennis from IT will fall asleep there with his hands down his pants, which, in my opinion, makes a secluded bathroom stall quite attractive.

News flash #2: I’m beginning to think that I am a crazy one in a very vast, looming sea of crazies.


Mammatalk said...

This was truly hysterical! Oh, my!!! Hahhahahaaa!!!

Rachel said...

This almost makes me wish I had an office job!

Hilarious, as usual! I've got an award for you at my blog, if you're into that kind of thing! ;)

MadWoman said...

Hahaha! That was hilarious!!

mo.stoneskin said...

Hahaha that was a brilliant, brilliant post. My first visit here and I wish I'd been here before.

I would LOVE to post about work, but just don't feel I can. I occasionally use ideas or characters and superimpose them but oh I wish I could do...

Tell you what though, as a 26-yr-old (with, um, shed-loads of life experience?!) who is a new father, women ARE crazy.


I can be a crazy flip-out too.

Especially when I've just got in from work after a crazy day which involved numerous train delays on top of stressful meetings, and I get in and find the wife on the phone to her mother while bathing a screaming baby and have 10 minutes to cook us dinner and tidy and pack the wife's bag so that we can get out the house for dinner or appointment or whatever.

Life huh.

Delia said...

I love this!! I'm reading this at work and my entire cubicle is shaking because of my hysterical laughs!!!

Just A Chic... said...

uh, yeah. I am a SAHM and Twister sucks ass. Your ex friend is obviously delusional. Great post! You crack me up.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...


"...she laughs maniacally because she was going for your eyeballs and wishes she had knocked you unconscious."

I have so been there...

kyooty said...

A recliner? so are they going to supply her with a closet to change her clothes after she spills back wards from trying to pump up hill? I fee badfor the woman just just needs a small room with a nice chair and cozy feelings. pumping takes from 10-20minutes on a good day. It is good to hear they are working on this though, that's a good thing.

Skye said...

Oh geez, that is so hilarious!

I totally agree with your comment on what the recliner would actually be used for.

Perhaps they should consider including the mother in question on these decisions. She could let them know how much time she needs for this as each woman is different. She could also let them know how much space and what kind of chair would be comfortable for her.

It just cracks me up that old men are trying to figure out what a woman needs! So do any of the people at this meeting even know if the woman needs an electrical outlet for her pump, or if her pump is battery or man powered? These things also need to be considered!

Sorry for rambling, these are just little thoughts running through my brain as I try to stop myself from laughing so hard I wake the neighbors :)

Leanne said...

That's fun....

Maybe I do need an office job, at least for the laughs.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Ahahahahaha!!! You never disappoint in the hilarity...never evah!! :)

Anne said...

Your post made me laugh at loud. I loved the idea of a group of old men trying to determine where and when a woman should nurse. Don't you people have a conference room she can use for half an hour? Although if I worked someplace with a recliner, you would end up with me sleeping in a corner (although I promise, I would not have my hands down my pants).

Jonny's Mommy said...

That was the real conversation? Either of them? Both of them?! Wow! That's something else.

The stuff about the husband...yeah...they're clueless aren't they. I'd be in a pool of tears and mental breakdown and he'd say "Well, honey why didn't you say something before?"

Oh, yeah. I'd only mentioned 5,000 times how tired I was before, but that was not obvious enough for him I guess.

The Mother said...

What? Designated breast pumping quadrants?

Makes me want to go back to work.

When I was nursing, I kept my pump in my community office. And pumped under a shawl.

When I hooked up, every guy in the room would yell, "MOOO!"

How's that for empathy?

Jeanne said...

You slay me. I wish I lived close to Mulletville instead of in Hicksville.

Mary Moore said...

We need to meet. I think we could become very good friends. said...

There must be something in the water there that the men are drinking.



Eat Well. Live Well.

Heather said...

I got to pump in the bathroom as it was the only room with a non glass door - the whole office was glass. How about that for a breastfeeding quadrant.

HumorSmith said...

Hmmm....and I thought there were certain subjects that were always taboo. Thanks for keeping me abreast of things at work.

J. Leigh Designz said...

OMG! You're hysterical! And the part throwing the bottle down the stairs - so true!

mrsbear said...

But what about the photocopies??? People need to duplicate, for Pete's sake! And not in the vicinity of a bared breast. Yep, I'd opt for the stall too.

Belle said...

No. It's quite normal - I assure you.
Especially Dennis.

Marinka said...

I love this post! What kind of a chair discussion is hysterical.

Magpie said...

I am so damned glad that my office is idiosyncratic in a completely different way.

Bonnie said...

Don't think I've ever laughed so hard at any post before. Awesome.

The Kind Of Post — except the part where I don't "kind of" have 3 kids

I've been thinking about going back to work full-time instead of cobbling together my income with 7+ freelance jobs, part-time work...