Friday, January 23, 2009

Speed Ogling...it's the new black

We’re nearing the end of a major facelift at work, so my office building has been swarming with construction workers for close to a year. Some of you might enjoy the sight of taut, heaving muscles lifting and moving, day after bending day. Some of you might even appreciate the not-so-subtle glances you get from said musclemen (I won’t lie, I hoist the girls up a little higher as I walk by). But if you’re like the women in my office, you want the construction workers to die a slow and painful death.

There have been so many complaints about lingering glances that the building manager finally decided to do something about it. Today, everyone in the building received an email saying that any construction worker caught checking out the goods for more than three seconds “will be fired on the spot.” Several brown-nosers were even appointed as watchdogs to protect those innocents who cannot successfully determine whether or not they’ve been violated.

“Voyeurism is an intolerable act!”

At first I was giddy with anticipation. I pictured fierce eyeball showdowns: “1-2-3! You’re toast, asshole!” People dropping off like flies! Then I realized that the 3-second rule has a lot of gray areas. Like, what if you think someone is checking out your butt but he’s really looking at lint on your pant leg? And some people are really fast counters. What if someone’s three is someone else’s two-and-a-half? And how the hell did they determine that three is the magic offensive number? If someone is an adept ogler, you can feel icky after one second.

Why was I not on this committee?

Anyway, after I got the email, I jumped into the hallway to you know, check things out. And do you know what? All eyes were facing downward. Jose. Hector. Phil. Roy. Steve. Germaine. Clint. Rick. Dave. Little Fred. Terry. (What? They’re my guys). Not one glance.

Yawn.

I was just about to go back into my office when my coworker Linda—a top heavy woman who's shaped like an ice cream cone—came barreling down the hallway. I gave her a little wave and when she raised her hand to do the same she accidentally flipped her Lean Cuisine lunch onto the floor and stepped in it. Tragically, her heel caught the lip of the plastic tray (or perhaps a Portobello mushroom) and she slid forward, hands first, and landed on the floor in a position one might assume if one would like to be mounted.

Oh.My.God. The eye cannot even begin to take in the visual feast that is a voluptuous woman on all fours in three seconds. It’s impossible. It’s even worse when she starts to whimper, “Help me. I have brown sauce on my stockings.”

Oh, bejesus.

In light of all this activity, I’ve broken two cardinal rules today: I blogged from work (I was about to bust a gut if I didn’t), and I didn’t report Jose, Hector, Phil, Roy, Steve, Germaine, Clint, Rick, Dave, Little Fred or Terry for not averting their eyes. (Oh crap, now you know I’m a brown-noser. But come on, you knew that didn’t you?)

This post is dedicated to Chuck’s grandfather, the ultimate ogler. He passed away on Monday. He will be missed.

18 comments:

Rachel said...

OMG! I'm laughing hysterically! No wonder you had to get that out!

I suggest everyone start wearing stopwatches around their necks. That would solve the 'fast-counter' problem.

Taut, heaving muscles... *sigh* I'd probably be the worst ogler/offender.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

That. Was. Awesome.

What's wrong with a little ogling? I love being ogled. Is that wrong?

Damn the man!

Anne said...

First, I am sorry for Chuck's loss. I hope he is doing ok.

Now, onto the important questions... where did you find good looking construction workers? The ones we have are all yicky. not so much taut, heaving muscles as jiggling beer bellies. Now I want to move to Mulletville.

Sadly, I think I am too old to be oogled, but I can do my share of oogling.

Lisa N. said...

OH. MY. GOD. I just spit water out my nose. I can just picture it. Were they Eileen Fischer stockings?? DEAR GOD, NOT EILEEN!

Stacy said...

OMG, LMAO! Too funny! That sounds like my office and something we would get an email for. Except we have the guys that come and look like nasty, overweight plumbers with half their asses hanging out. Bleck!

Nicole said...

Sorry to hear about Chuck's grandfather...

God I miss that kind of excitement at work--what I would do for one 3 second stare (who am I kidding--even a 1 second ogler might "perk up the girls." They seriously need dusting off (is that gross?) Eh, maybe in the next lifetime...

Temple said...

I just new that Lean Cuisines were dangerous! And seriously, who DID come up withe magicaly safety of only 3 second ogles? What if they ogle for three seconds, break the ogle for 1 second, and then repeat? And what it it's under 3 seconds but includes a hand gesture, suggestive noise or lick of the lips?

Stephanie said...

Thank you for sharing this story! This is probably the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

I am sorry for Chuck's loss :(

Eudea-Mamia said...

LOL - You paint an incredible picture!

A little ogling is good for the self esteem, no?

(I'm so very sorry for your family's loss.)

Dto3 said...

I never complain when a woman's stare lingers longer than 3 seconds. Such prudes!

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

ROTFLMAO!! Hilarious! Thanks for sharing! ;)

laughingatchaos said...

I snorted so hard laughing I think I injured myself. Ahhh...'twas a good laugh. Poor Linda...giggle...

Denise said...

OMG! how did you keep yourself composed. I was laughing so hard reading this and can only imagine if I saw it in person.

Heather said...

Very impressive that you know their names!!! :) You are a brown-noser!!!

Frogs in my formula said...

Thank you, everyone, for wishing Chuck well.

And yes, they were Eileen Fisher stockings! Of course! My workplace is a strange mecca of Fisher ware.

honeywine said...

Wow. lol How could you ever enforce that? Sorry, about Grandad. :(

PS- I'm new here from Kat's place (3 Bedroom Bungalow). Looks like I picked the right day to surf! :)

mrsbear said...

Condolences about Chuck's grandpa.

I worked in an airplane hangar where the male female ratio was like 20/1. Most women got ogled. It was a fact of life. A little ogling never bothered me, what bothered me were the guys that looked like they were violating you with their eyeballs. Those looks meant taking lunch in the office. Ew.

I hope Linda didn't suffer any serious injury. ;) Totally worth blogging from work.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

Why oh why do I not work at your office!?!?!

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