Sunday, January 18, 2009

Yah, that's right. I'm "that woman." And now I have to switch grocery stores

When I wheeled my mother f***ing squeaky snow covered cart up to the produce section of the Mulletville Stop & Shop this morning, I got an unexpected and unpleasant surprise.

Very unpleasant.

The ex’s parents were standing there buying apples. I haven’t seen them since the late 90s but I’d recognize them anywhere, mainly because they have stagnant attire, much like cartoon characters.

Their son, Greg, and I dated for two years in college. His hometown is very close to Mulletville (I actually mocked him for growing up in “the sticks”—see? It never pays to mock people) and because his parents have not changed since the day they married and settled and started collecting Disney figurines, they are still in the same place.

The father mistook my awkward grin for enthusiastic recognition. The mother, not recognizing me, grabbed his arm and said, “Am I supposed to know who that woman is?”

That woman?

Holy crap, lady. Being referred to as that woman is as insulting as bitch, whore, skank, etc., etc. Willy Clinton called Monica Lewinsky that woman. But I’m not surprised. Greg's mother never liked me. I think she knew all along that I would dump her son not once, but twice.

I had to! Greg was nice but:

1. He had dandruff in his eyebrows

2. He had his wacky schtick, and he was very proud of his schtick (God, it was so annoying)

3. He was lousy in the sack.

For those reasons alone I knew I would never marry him. Sadly, he believed otherwise, even after I dumped him. My guilt brought us back together for a short stint, during which time he started wearing excessively large metallic sunglasses. The writing was on the wall.

His father understood that these things happen. His mother just couldn’t accept the fact that her son could be dumped—twice!

So there you have it. Boy meets girl. Girl dumps boy. Girl takes boy back. Girl dumps boy again. Girl encounters friendly father and maladjusted mother by Harvest Bounty signage.

I waved hello then proceeded to make an ass of myself nodding way too enthusiastically whenever they looked my way. I was just about to wheel away when she walked over to me.

“How are you? Greg has two little girls. He’s a nurse. His wife’s a nurse. They’re both nurses. They’ve been married seven years. We see them every weekend. They met at a ballroom dancing class. She’s the sweetest thing. We just love her. And the girls are precious. Just precious. They have a dog. The dog loves the girls. We love the dog. The dog is just precious.”

Oh.My.God. The more she talked, the faster I nodded. I'm surprised my head didn't fly off my neck. I kept thinking, What if I had married Greg? What if we had had unearth-shattering, lameass sex and, instead of my sweet Junior, I had produced a baby with flaky eyebrows? What if the baby had to wear Disney clothing while Greg’s parents snapped photo after photo? What if we all had to take ballroom dancing classes together and every weekend felt like Groundhog Day?

Oh hellish nightmare!

When I got home I almost called Chuck’s mom and dad to tell them how much I appreciate the fact that they rarely visit and that Chuck’s dad takes such flattering shots of my cleavage. I mean, it’s enough to make any daughter-in-law’s heart burst with gratitude.

(I said almost. Haven't I been through enough today?)


Renée aka Mekhismom said...

You are hilarious. Not all Disney fanatics are like that. Well, I love Disney but I am not fanatical about anything. Ever. You are so lucky not to have maried into that family.
Crusty eyebrows? Ewwww.

Nicole said...

Oh. Holy. Shit. Thank God for destiny :) Dandruff in your eyebrows? I didn't know that was possible! *giggles* Just love to read your blog--you are ridiculously funny!

Temple said...

I just love you! Really...I think we may have been separated at birth or something...So, was it the large metallic glasses that pushed you away? ;)

And, in my experience, the prouder a man is of his schtick, the worse he is in bed. Always.

Denise said...

You post was so funny. I hate running into my ex's is way too awkward.

Frogs in my formula said...

The prouder a man is of his schtick, the worse he is in bed...too funny!

Keely said...

I disagree. It often pays to mock people.

You're hysterical, girl!

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

O...M...G! 'That' woman! Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh - sorry it was sort of at your expense... ;) Dandruff in the eyebrows? Yikes! Good riddance! ;)

Anne said...

See, I hate Stop & Shop. And, I often mock people. Does that mean I am going to run into my ex's parents? Luckily, I don't think I have any exes who have parents anywhere near the small town. I think I am safe.

Think, that could have been your mother-in-law and you could have seen her every week (after ballroom dancing lessons). Sorry, I am mocking. Must stop now.

Eudea-Mamia said...

Oh my word. I would have paid money to hear you tell her that the ex was lousy in bed.

Awkward, but oh how sweet. Then they would be looking for the new store.

Carol @SheLives said...

See? It's all good. Things turn out as they were meant to.

Now don't you wish you'd thought of something great to say when she finally caught her breath? Something like, "Wow! That's awsome for him. And even better for me!"

Mary Anna said...

One benefit of moving away from the Texas Mulletville from which I hail is that these encounters are few and far between. Usually when I go to visit my mom, she doesn't let me leave her house unless she's with me.

mrsbear said...

I'm so glad you were spared. I can't believe you looked at dandruffy eyebrows for two years. Egads. Sounds a tad awkward, next time feign ignorance then head for the dairy aisle.

Leanne said...

Dandruff in the eyebrows? That my dear wasn't real dating. It was PITY dating. Too funny.

On The Verge said...

You are too funny. I didn't even know that dandruff in the eyebrows was possible!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahahaha, dandruff in his eyebrows! That is totally ENOUGH reason to dump somebody in my book. That mother just doesn't understand, she probably gets dandruff everywhere, if you know what I mean...


Michelle said...

He He Ha Ha!!! What an award day for you. Sounds like the in-laws from hell or something out of a Chevy Chase movie. Thanks for putting a smile on my face today.

Dto3 said...

Are you sure #3 wasn't because of #2, and with that wacky schtick, I'm pretty sure that wasn't dandruff in his eyebrows!

bernthis said...

OMG- those are my ex-in laws to a tee. You should consider yourself the luckiest person in the universe, as least compared to me, who did end up having a kid with my ex, although she does not have flaky eyebrows, thank God.

My ex MIL is that woman to a tee and if wouldn't mind, I'd like to write your ex boyfriend's wife a condolence card for having to be with this nightmare EVERY WEEKEND?! AHHH!!!!

Michelle said...

How many ways can a person love a post? This was awesome.

We all have our vices. Mine are just...bulkier

I've been away from this blog for awhile. I know . But see, we are trying to move. Just thinking about moving is hard, but actually tr...