About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Dear Human Resources Clod
Dear HR Manager,
I understand you are hiring to fill the important role of Vehicular Psychic. Please accept my one-and-a-half-year-old son's resume, as I believe his qualifications make him the perfect candidate for the position you are seeking to fill.
Vehicular Psychics play an important role in today's society. The ability to correctly determine—sight unseen—if a passing vehicle is a truck, bus, 'cycle, fire [truck], train, or car is crucial to our success as a locomotive species. Not only is Junior's record near perfect, he can successfully discern ground vehicles from air.
Over and over and over and over.
Never again will you have to hear the whir of a motorized vehicle and wonder if it's a bus or truck or 'copter. The incessant repetition of his exclamations only enhances his impressive portfolio.
As an added bonus, if you have any slacker employees, Junior can circle the perimeters and besiege them with "what doing?" again and again and again.
Surely this will serve as a gentle kick in the pants, one that will help to improve your organization's productivity and bottom dollar (no pun intended).
Junior will bring to this position enthusiasm, determination and an affinity for kitties. Rest assured that any fluctuations in temperament can be quickly extinguished with Cheerios and a juice box. His beloved Puppy and Monkey might be affixed to his side, but this will in no way hinder his progress.
Thank you for your consideration,