Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I like my enchiladas with extra bitch, please

We’re in the midst of a bit of family drama. Ordinarily I wouldn’t air my undies but I’m hoping that by explaining it to you, my lovely and non-judging webwonderlings, it will help me to understand it, too. (Mmmyeah, cause drama is so—yawn, stretch—boring.)

Here goes. The down-and-dirty version:

Monday night I took Junior to have dinner with my cousin, Lauren, who is living with a major dickhead (I wish I was exaggerating, I really, really, really, really do). She says she wants kids; we’re all hoping Dickhead mysteriously disappears and Knight in Shining Armor swoops down, marries her, and puts a bun in her Easybake Oven.

Because Junior is 18 months old and likes to use his legs, we spent dinner shoveling in our food while chasing him around the restaurant (side note to bitchy father who was annoyed that Junior kept wanting to check out the light switch next to his booth: You’re also a dickhead).

To me it was a normal get-together: Cram food in mouth, chase toddler, talk with food in mouth, pop Tums, leave. To Lauren, who has yet to experience the wondrous bullshit that is trying to dine with a toddler, she went home and called her mother (a.k.a. my mother’s evil sister) and told her that after that experience with Junior, she wanted to have her tubes tied.

The next morning, the evil sister called my mother, Linda, and repeated this verbatim. Then my mother called me and shared the news with me.

An equation popped into my head; it looked like this:

Dinner + Junior = Longing for sterilization

Understandably I was hurt, pissed and jonesing for whiskey—I mean, answers. So I sent Lauren an email and asked her if my equation was right. She said no, she would never say she wanted to get her tubes tied. She had a lovely time at dinner. Blah, blah, blah.

Great, fine.

I thought we had put the matter behind us, but Lauren called her mother and yelled at her for putting words in her mouth. Then her mother called Linda and ripped her a new one for spreading rumors and being “small.”

Another equation popped into my head; it looked like this:

Sister + sister + cousin + Junior + me = Longing for relocation to Oregon

So here we are. My aunt and mother are not speaking. Someone said something about tying tubes and it wasn’t the plumber. Lauren wants to “go out again soon! ;) ” And Chuck, that slimy bastard, he forgot to put my leftover chicken enchilada back in the fridge after he raked his germy fork through it, and I was really looking forward to eating it for lunch and now it's crawling with Salmonella. I mean, come on! Lesson #1 in my book Eating with a Toddler is that if you can’t enjoy it the first time, you at least get to reheat it and enjoy it a few days later in the tranquility of your own home.

Lord Almighty, can we all get on the same page?

Anyway, who’s right?
a) Me, me and me
b) Linda
c) Evil sister
d) Lauren
e) Dickhead
f) Bitchy dad in restaurant booth
g) Chicken enchilada


Rachel said...


This sounds exactly like something that would happen with my in-laws. I'd be inclined to believe that Lauren might really have something to the effect of her dining experience being less than relaxing. Consider it a public service to Lauren's not-yet-concieved children.

Also, I'm eating an enchilada right now. No joke.

Frogs in my formula said...

Whew, great, judging's over!

(Holy enchilada envy...)

Lidian said...

Reminds me of the game "telephone" only we need a new name for it, something internetty. That is not a word I know but I have been shoveling snow all day, about to go do it for the 4th time,so that's my excuse.

I would just blame the enchiladas, probably.

harrietv said...

I tend to wonder precisely what your cousin said. But, y'know, tying tubes is not such a bad thing; at least there'd be no more of your aunts genes floating around.

Suzi said...

Answer - A

I feel your pain. It is not easy to manage any toddler in a restaurant. Those without kids have NO idea. They shouldn't judge.

Kate said...

Well, of course the answer is 'a.' People tend to be so absolutely clueless when it comes to kids. I agree with harrietv; stop that bloodline in its tracks. She could have at least been honest with you and said that maybe having children might conflict with dining out (among other things) and that she might not want to change her lifestyle. (I'm working on perfecting my run-on sentences.)

What bitches. They should remove the large sticks that are so obviously up their asses.

Keely said...

I wouldn't be surprised if she'd said something along those lines, but mostly joking. As a way to say, "I had no idea dining with a toddler was so exhausting". Because she doesn't have children, so she WOULDN'T know.

And if she WAS serious, then it's wins all round.

So the answer is H (both A & G).

♥georgie♥ said...

your right all the way....
I found you from june cleavers blog while surfing...i will be back...♥ your blog!

Jenera said...

Well, let's see. First of all, regardless of what your cousin said to her mom (your aunt) it should have not been passed to your mom and thus on to you.

Second, if your cousin did say that, she should own up to it and take it like a woman.

Third, if she said that, she needs to get a freakin' grip because that is life with kids.

Fourth, you have every right to be upset that someone is criticizing you in such a harsh manner. Regardless of if it should have ever made it back to you, that's rude.

Fifth, it is possible your cousin was joking (ha ha ha) and your aunt took it wrong and then passed it on.

I think you have a right to be upset. I think you were right in asking the cousin flat out if she said it. If she denies it, leave it be and tell your aunt to hush. The issue between your mom and aunt is their issue that personally I think is your aunt's fault.

I have SO been there.

Frogs in my formula said...

Chuck should have gone and gotten me a new enchilada and some flowers. Hint, hint.

Lisa C. said...

GIRL!!! This is normal drama... At least it is with us. we are a close family, and are always in each other's sh*t and stepping on each others toes, feet in mouth etc... I tried to conceive for 13 years, and ALWAYS said that time with my sister's kids was contraceptive hour... I was elated to be barren after that.. Everyone I think has an IDEA of what it's like to have kids, and be a parent and are in for their own rude awakening.. .. her day will come.. mine did... (and the punch line is I got pregnant with twins.. wanna talk about contraceptive hour...) send your cousin to my house... There'll be a new equation for you..

Cousin + lisa + 1yr old twins= we ♥ junior..

BTW once you talked to her and she realized she got caught she should have just left it at that... I had to learn the hard way that it's just an endless circle unless you just nip it.. I have learned to bite my tounge.. hurt and all.. Just chuck it to a lesson learned..

sorry so long.. but the enchilada with a side of bitch was delicious..

Nicole said...

Oh my--love the family drama! I think it is hard for those without children to understand what's truly like (now I see where you were going with the cousin-comment on my blog...hee hee) The answer is A...

And maybe D--Not having children already, dinner might not have gone as your cousin expected; dining with my own child makes me want to tie my tubes...

And possibly B--depending on whether your mom was just "letting you know," vs. trying to one-up her sis...

Aren't family matters exhausting!

Dickhead is a dickhead, and Bitchy dad needs to get laid...

And now I'm thinking about skipping dinner out with the family tonight :)

MadWoman said...

Um...the answer is very obviously A. Like I'd be stupid enough to give another answer. Zoiks!! I might get enchilada thrown at my head.

Seriously though.....your cousin shouldn't have said anything that could even be remotely construed as wanting to get her tubes tied, and her mother should have kept her mouth shut.

The bitchy father at the restaurant should remove the pole from his ass.

And Chuck? Well Chuck should have gone and gotten you a new enchilada. EVERYONE knows the eating with a toddler in a restaurant rules. Leftovers are key!!

Ane Fallarme said...


chicken enchilada is never wrong.

lol... :D

Ane Fallarme said...

Seriously though, you're cousin probably did say something to that effect, or else your evil aunt just made up the whole thing, then she's really evil...

Sherrie said...

Wow...what a story! Gotta love the "whisper" game! This sounds like a classic case (you know...telephone game). And -- I say the enchilada wins hands down! LOL!

Julie said...

I don't know who's right but if your estimation of Lauren's boyfriend is accurate than it's probably a blessing that she no longer wants children. Perhaps KISA will swoop in to replace DH before Miss L matures enough to start wanting kids again.


Julia said...

Thank God I am not the only Mom in the universe with a child who is a terror in the restaurants. I often think my Ella resembles the exorcist girl since it appears her head spins round the top of her body the entire time she is in the highchair. However, these days I don't dare take anyone I know to eat since they would permanently loose my phone number and get amnesia at the sight of me. YOu have so eloquently stated what I experience all the time that now I cant even post about it.

Julia said...

of course letter a.

Holly said...

Sounds like your Aunt is jealous that your Mom has grandchildren. I think you are hilarious and gutsy.

Pablo Guero said...

Are you sure you're not related to Mary Anna? That sounds like crap that happens in her family.

mrsbear said...

My vote is (a).

Also, I stick to take out, since trying to sit down with a two year old is like trying to give myself a root canal.

Leftovers are totally off limits to anyone else, they taste so much better during nap time (his, not mine).

Mark said...

To me, it wouldn't matter who is at fault or who is right or wrong. Just live your life and don't take things other say too personally. If we all do this, we would all be much happier. Yes I need to take my own advice too :P


Practically Joe said...

I can't really help with finding a knight in shining armor but I can surely help making Dickhead disappear. I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy.
Email me privately.

Belle said...

That sounds exactly like my family. Deny deny deny.
They are all such bitches..
except me.
Are you sure you can't eat that enchilada? I leave things for days out the fridge and then eat them. I've only been to A&E once. Personally I would take the chance.
p.s. My own dickhead doesn't even know where the fridge is.

Stephanie said...

Dear Lord what DRAMA!!! LOL I feel for you though!

Mary Anna said...

We all know you're in the right here.

I imagine Lauren probably said something jokingly about dining with a toddler is great birth control and her mom took it way out of context. (Sounds like a mother I know ...)

Anyhoo, I'd drop kick DH in the ass if he left out my left-overs! That would be the real drama!

Mary Anna said...

Oh, I see my DH hit your comments before me and alluded to my mother! Wow - we really were meant to be together!

Heather said...

Gotta love those "family" dynamics!!! :)

kyooty said...

It's family... no one is ever right but you! :)

Whiney Momma said...

I vote for the enchilada, those things have never done me any wrong : )

Hope you get through the drama soon!

Dto3 said...

Clearly, I'm behind on my comments, since I'm #32, but here's my vote anyway: a. Why, you ask? Well, when bitchy dad (although, we prefer "opinionated figurehead") goes to a suburban Mexican Restaurant/Video Arcade, he has no right to complain that the place is crawling with kids. Happens to me all the time. We live in an area where 98.6% of the people have children and yet folks constantly are appalled to find kids in restaurants. I don't get it.

Stacy's Random Thoughts said...

It sure doesn't pay to let my blog-hopping and comment dropping slide for a day or two...I missed all the excitement! ;)

But I'm still going to toss in my vote... A


Temple said...

My choice is "a" but if you have problems narrowing it down, this has Montel written ALL over it!

Wendy said...

I think the vote is obvious since I'm late in commenting. However, I wanted to make you aware of a possible alternative that might make you thankful that you have this type of family drama.

That alternative is living in MY family where they actually say everything to your face. Loudly. And in your bubble. And without any tact or warm-up. Sometimes repeatedly.

You might think that way is better, but yours is DEFINITELY MORE AMUSING! :D

The Kind Of Post — except the part where I don't "kind of" have 3 kids

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