Monday, March 23, 2009

I'd like to buy the world a Coke

Oh my, I just about peed my pants. After I wrote that I have yet to meet a Wendy that wasn't “a little nuts”, a Wendy wrote a post on her Wendy Channel blog asking all the Wendys if they thought they were crazy.

Hoards—ok, six—Wendys stopped by to say that they aren’t nuts. Isn’t that cute? (Except for the one who slammed me for not wanting to give my kid someone’s chewed-on sippy cups. I’m a member of Freecycle too, FYI. I also pick plastic bottles out of garbage bins to take them home to recycle—my boss yelled at me for doing this during a work function—so don’t assume I don’t care about my planet. Did you not read my letter to Dixie?)

Ahem.

Since the majority consensus is that Wendys are nice, normal, skinny people, I’d like to tell you about the craziest Wendy I knew and then we can all move on. And be friends. And drink from crusty, gnawed-on cups together.

(I’m kidding, Wendy!)

Remember my friend, Sarah? The one whom my dad thought I was running away with when really I was trying to tell him I was prego? Her roommate was The Wendy of All Wendys.

The Wendy was about 6 feet tall with Bon Jovi hair. I only ever saw glimpses of her buxom khaki bottom. To me, she was like Sasquatch. To Sarah, she was Satan. The Wendy hated Sarah. If Sarah stacked ice cube trays on top of each other, The Wendy would freak out because she said the dirt from the bottom of the tray contaminated the water. She smoked (i.e. inhaled carcinogens), but no, the ice cube microbes could kill her.

If The Wendy was in the kitchen making dinner, she did not want Sarah in there cooking. If The Wendy was about to go into the bathroom, she did not want Sarah anywhere near the bathroom because once, the wind blew a bookcase over and it made the bathroom door jingle while The Wendy was taking a bath, and The Wendy was convinced Sarah was trying to break down the door. The Wendy did not like her tub time rushed.

This went on for months.

One morning, as Sarah was putting her things into her car before work, she looked around the cute neighborhood in which she was a renter and thought to herself, For $495 a month, I can live with The Wendy. The birds are chirping. The kids are waiting for the school bus. I feel safe, and my commute is short. Life is good.

And then, from an upstairs window came the voice:

“You’re a LEEEEEEEWSER.”

Sarah looked around. She thought maybe one of the neighbor’s kids was yelling at a kid at the bus stop.

Then, louder: “LEEEEEEEEWSER. You’re a LEEEEEEEWWSER. LEWSER LEWSER LEWSER.”

The voice was coming from Sarah’s apartment. The Wendy had opened the window and was yelling at the top of her lungs. It was 7:30 a.m. Kids snickered. Parents waiting with their children looked away.

“Big fat LEEEEEEEEWSER. You’re a stupid LEEEEEEEWWSER. Sarah’s a LEEEEEEEEEWSER.”

Sarah moved out a month later. Sarah saw Wendy once in town when we were driving; she tried to point her out, but she looked just like this:



(Except that The Wendy was getting on a bus and not running through the woods.)

So look, I’ve only known three Wendys—four if you count the fast food chain—so yah, I was talking out of my ass about all Wendys being a little off. But experience is relative. And look at the source. I decided to give my friend my vagina for her bridal present. If that doesn’t mend fences you’ve just proven me right.

28 comments:

Dto3 said...

I'd like a single with cheese with my Coke.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I only knew two Wendy's in my lifetime...and they were both certifiable...maybe not as much as the Wendy in your life, but definitely out there... and yes, 'experience is relative'... (GRIN!)

Frogs in my formula said...

Sorry, only Wendys get sandwiches with their beverages.

Suzi said...

Talk. About. Nutjob.

FoN said...

I've only known one Wendy in my life, and yes, she was a total nutter.

Just curious 'tho - what kind of apartment experiences wind strong enough to blow a bookcase over?

Joanie said...

I've known 2 Wendys. One is a very nice lady who I wait on at my job who, along with her husband leaves me a very generous tip (she's a also nurse). The other I thought was nuts only because of the cheating asshat she married (she's divorced now).

mo.stoneskin said...

Drink from crusty, gnawed-on cups? I know you were kidding but that line smacks of experience. Is it you that gnaws on them or someone else you know?!?!

Vodka Mom said...

um, vagina?

Where were you on "v" day? (Which coincidentally was yesterday....)

Frogs in my formula said...

It wasn't a very big bookcase and the way the doors and windows were set up, the wind would gust--inside.

GreenJello said...

My sister is a Wendy. And I would have to say that I agree with your assessment of Wendy's.

:::shudder:::

Rachel said...

I've never known any Wendys personally. I can only think of Wendy Torrance (The Shining), who seems perfectly sane, in comparison to her son and husband, I guess.

CDB said...

Well, she had an interesting point about the ice cube trays. I'm on her OCD-wavelength apparently. Ok, so I'll go get help now.

Popped by from the Un-Mom/FoN traveling circus.. you are hilarious! Love the blog.

I know Wendy'S (ff chain) VERY well. And a babysitter. But that's it.

Mary Anna said...

I've known a Wendy or two, but only one stands out.

Wendy, with whom I attended early elementary school but always saw at birthday parties and events through the years, had the hairiest arms I've ever seen.

In junior high, she must have noticed too. Dear Wendy began shaving her arms. That's a little weirder in my book.

Another Wendy I knew had a sister named Breezy. Not sure what her parents were doing!

Mammatalk said...

OK, now I've gotta go click on your vagina.....wait a minute...EEk!

Alabama Redhead said...

Mmm....I have an urge to run out and get a Frosty!!

Otter Thomas said...

I just linked to your site. It's very funny. I will be back to see you again.

Wendy was a nut and you have the right to call all Wendy's crazy based on her example.

Anne said...

I don't know any Wendys, so I am fine with you saying they are all crazy.

Stephanie said...

I have to say that all the Wendy's I have ever known are a little bit crazy.... The Wendy though takes the cake!!!

C.B. Jones said...

I make it a point to avoid eye contact with all Wendys...and Helgas...

Jeanne said...

I've had similar issues with men named Roger. And Eugene.

Tatiana said...

I have only known two Wendys (Wendies?) - and yes, I am counting the fast food chain, since I have eaten at her place often. The other Wendy I know is the Wendy who has the Wendy Channel blog - and she is one of my favorite people in the whole world. I have told her more than once, if my brother hadn't married her, I would have had to, just to keep her in the family ... but then I remembered I am straight, and so was thankful that my brother took care of the problem for me. Incidentally, Wendy O' the Wendy Channel is the person who sent me a link to YOUR blog ... so I think that proves she is pretty wonderful.
Now, as far as "The Wendy" goes ... sheesh ... I think her wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead!

blueviolet said...

This explains so much about the one Wendy that I know. Now I can let it go.

Jenners said...

I prefer Pepsi actually.
I don't think I know any Wendys ... but if I ever meet one, I'll let you know if they are crazy.

MadWoman said...

If I'm not a Wendy, can I request a Frosty to go with my coke?

I only know two Wendy's and they're both relatively sane. Nancy's on the other hand....ooohhhh.

Frogs in my formula said...

Should we start a registry of names most likely to belong to nutballs? I think we're off to a good start.

Maggie Madison said...

Yeah the Wendy's are a bit off, I'll give you that...but don't get me started on the Lori's--they're nuts!

Keely said...

Let's talk about the Cheryls...

Mary Anna said...

I have issues with Dawns. They've all been bitchy, über flaky drama queens. Three of three ... You can take those odds to Vegas, baby.

Oh, if you want to go to Vegas, let me know. Seems like it would be way more fun as a girl trip (sorry Pablo!).

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