Oh me, oh my. I really needed a good laugh today. You see:
a) Junior’s been up since 5:30 a.m. and
b) My office is closed because of an electrical tripped wire cable axle triple wedgie something or other so even though I was exhausted, I stood in for Chuck at Junior’s story time. Don’t worry, this post isn’t about story time, although I will say this: That circle of women is hard to infiltrate. And this ain’t no Country Club. It’s the Mulletville public library. If you’re sportin’ pilled sweats and a greasy mullet you should be smiling at the world (i.e. me) just because.
So here I am, slugging back coffee, trying to recover from a weekend of socializing and a morning of snooty mulletheads when I got a message that this blogger is following me on Twitter.
I’m pretty certain she’s not a humor blogger, but when I read her tweets I laughed out loud:
The power of birth strengthens me. I am not afraid.
I will give birth without complications.
I trust in my ability to give birth naturally and easily.
Ah, shit, that’s some funny stuff.
If you had a blissful, 100% natural labor and delivery you might wonder why the hell these comments are so funny, but you have to understand, I was in labor for four months, had 27 epidurals and was shot up with horse tranquilizers.* When Chuck removed my teeth from his hand as I went into hour 40, he suggested I go to my Happy Place, and do you know what I pictured? I pictured myself standing in the middle of the road outside the hospital getting flattened by one of Connecticut’s big, blue commuter buses.
It was the only image that brought me any peace.
I know there are women out there who think labor is a walk in the park**—I’m friends with some of them—and if that’s you, I’m honestly very happy for you and not at all jealous or spiteful. But to my dear friend Jen, who’s due in August and so brilliantly decided that she is taking her pregnancy one day at a time and not freaking out about labor until she has to, I have one thing to say: Don’t be a fuckhead—take the epidural if you need it. If you wait too long you may find yourself hunched over, sobbing and vomiting into some nurse’s FFF breasts while envisioning yourself being creamed by this:
** Please don’t leave me comments that Jen shouldn’t take the epidural. This is my letter to my friend. If you’d like to tell Jen something directly, click here.