Saturday, October 2, 2010

A special note from me to Heidi Klum

I don't really like Motherhood Maternity. Nothing fits quite right, and their return policy is bullshit (no returns! Not one). Alas, their clothes are cheap and their stores plentiful so I find myself there.

(I'd still never buy this seasonal nightmare. I may be pregnant but I'm not interested in looking like a heinous red snowball, thank you.)



The last time I shopped there, I needed clothes for work. Desperately. I spent about $200. To my sheer delight, the cashier told me I qualified for a free gift from Heidi Klum.

Even though some of Klum's clothing line for Motherhood Maternity is downright fugly—I love the pregnant streetwalker look



—I was still excited. I heart me some free shit. And from Heidi Klum nonetheless. The fashionista. The woman whose maternity tunics fetch $130 a pop at Pea in the Overpriced Pod. One of the richest models ever. What delights awaited me?

I rushed home, greedily opened my bag and found this, a clear plastic "Loved" bag emblazened with ladybugs and stuffed with tissue paper.



Disappointing, yes. Hearts and ladybugs stopped being cute about the time I started menstruating. But maybe inside. Maybe there was an autographed bra she'd worn on the runway or a never-before-seen picture of her with Tim Gunn or one of Willy Wonka's golden tickets or one of Klum's skin care products or some of her queer clover-shaped jewelry (Jesus, this woman knows how to market herself) or...

...no. Inside was a dumb little ladybug compact with a funhouse mirror (I can see myself better in my bathroom faucet fixtures) and a mini notebook with a pleather cover for recording all my special thoughts.

In essence, more useless junk from China that will look lovely in my garbage can. Kind of like the plastic crap that comes with Happy Meals. You know, the stuff you wouldn't let your dog chew on? (Or poop on, it's that chintzy.)

It set me off, Ms. Klum's "generous" gift. Granted, she's never named the planet as one of her causes, but couldn't she have done a little better? Haven't we got enough plastic chotchkies in our landfills? When do we get to turn off the machines and give the planet a break?

When?

Maybe I should lighten up. I mean, I did find a use for the notebook:

16 comments:

Getrealmommy said...

And damn that woman has enough money right? Maybe she could have just slipped you a $5, even that would better than "free crap"

At least you got a good blog post out of it.

Sharyn Essman said...

You're right -- it's useless garbage.

Choleesa said...

I too like the pregnant street walker look. Perhaps she shoulda gave a 30 day return option instead of her crappy bag??

Pricilla said...

I am thinking even a 10% discount would have been better...

The Momma/Nanny said...

Excellent use of the free notebook. :)

Lidian said...

I agree with Getrealmommy - you got this wonderfully funny post out of those plasticky tschotckes, so there's that. But honestly - when I hear "free gift" in a store, I think it must be at least some good hand lotion or something ;)

And those maternity clothes! Ugh, I thought what I found in the stores in the early 90s was bad.

Sparkling said...

Hmm let's see. A mother shopping for maternity clothes, in a special maternity clothing store. What could we give as a free gift? A coupon for diapers? A cute onesie for the baby? A snazzy diaper bag that will make all the moms jealous? Oh, I KNOW, a plastic make up bag with ladybugs stamped on it. Like that will come in handy. And a fun mirror to remind the mother how fat she is. Yes, that is indeed just the right gift to say Thank you for shopping with us!!

Lori said...

The kids playground at the mall faces a HUGE Heidi Klum ad in the window of Motherhood Maternity and every week while we wait to pick up my friend's kid to babysit, I'm forced to think three things:

1. Pregnancy and overalls are a bad idea Mrs. Seal, and while you look fabulous in anything, it's nothing that any other pregnant woman would be caught dead wearing.

2. Who wants to wear hooker heels with said overalls? Especially when you're feeling like you're part elephant!

3. If this is pregnant fashion, thank jesus I'm not expecting.

Frogs in my formula said...

Overalls are rarely a good idea, never mind with stilettos. What was she thinking?

The Mother said...

I would never have worn those slimline preggers pants. Doesn't the designer understand swollen legs?

kyooty said...

Take it to the hospital leave it in the "easily forgotten" pile

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

I'd like you to sign my name at the bottom of that letter . . . Thank you. :-)

SLColman said...

Don't you just hate that when the free gift is just so heinous that it never should have been given!!

Lindy said...

If you still look hot enough (physically - not temperatureally (word?)) while pregnant. I will buy nothing from your line, Heidi included. Why? Because it's a damn lie.

Keely said...

I hated that store just because the woman that works at our is fucking psycho.

But, cheap maternity wear is cheap maternity wear, I guess.

Stupid Heidi.

Irrational Dad said...

Good thing it wasn't one of her bras. Could you imagine trying to squeeze pregnant boobs in an A-cup?

In defense of adoration—even in the deli line

The toddler was all over his mother. Cam and I were in line at the deli at Mulletville Lite's town grocery store, watching the lov...