Sunday, October 10, 2010

Peeing my way to freedom

I haven't talked much about Chuck's ghostbusting lately, mainly because he hasn't talked much about it. I asked him not to after I had a steady stream of nightmares in which he appeared as a floating head. Oh, and I still kind of skeeve my dining room because of the whole sea captain thing.

The truth is that I believe in ghosts/spirits/floating things, but I don't want them to know that.

Chuck has obliged my request to not be in the know by having all his ghostbusting conversations in the basement. But dangitall, there I was vacuuming this morning when the cord flew out of the socket and the vacuum went dead. My ear was thisclose to the baseboards. Chuck was talking really loud. I tried to pull myself away, but I couldn't. There was talk of flying bottles. Missing pets. Mysterious scratches.

I finally walked away-right after I'd sufficiently freaked myself the fuck out.

To calm myself, I took Junior to Target. If you didn't already know, pretty red bull's eyes are the ideal anecdote to the geebies. (And in case you missed it, enchiladas are the perfect after-being-robbed food. You come here to learn, I know.)

After our glitzy trip, I found myself on a remote back road somewhere near Mulletville. Hoping that Junior would fall asleep, I'd taken the long way home and had gotten us lost. I was about to turn around when I saw a big sign for a corn maze.

Hooey! Fun with corn!

We drove up a dirt road. Sure enough there was an old man sitting by a big ass field of corn. I can't be sure, but I think he had a glass eye. We were the only ones there. I asked how long the maze was. He said it covered a few acres and could take as much time as I wanted. Seeing as I'm seven months pregnant and was in the company of an overtired, fickle toddler, I said we'd be out shortly.

Um, Mrs. Mullet, they call it a maze for a reason.

Every damn row of corn looked the same. We went in circles. We went in squares. The wind rustled through the corn husks. The husks loomed over our heads. There were no landmarks with which to get my bearings. I'd never seen Children of the Corn but I kept thinking of it.

Corn. Dead, hairy corn.

Then I started hearing Chuck's voice. The floating bottles. The pets that never came home. The husks rustled again. I thought I saw something a row over. I heard someone whispering. I heard the theme song from Halloween.


Run, Junior! Run!

Ultimately, the thing the saved me was my bladder. After we were out of eyesight of the farmer, I'd dropped trou and watered the plants. Twenty minutes later I'd done it again. And so on. We followed the um, markings, back to the entrance. I never thought I'd say this, but I love my pregnant bladder in a way I never thought possible.

I'm done eavesdropping. And I'm all set with corn until next summer. Even that might be too soon. Tell me: With Halloween right around the corner, do you like to spook yourself out? Do you like to be scared?


Keely said...

Okay, you were brave. We tried one of those last week and there were really easy clues, and 10 of us, and it STILL freaked me out. Glad you marked your trail, Gretel.

And I do like to be scared. By intangible things like ghosts and floating bottles. Not by things that want to eat my face off, like demons or zombies.

The Momma/Nanny said...

Hilarious. For reals. Also I agree with Keely. No face eating demons or zombies. Creepy stories about ghosts are cool as long as it's not about my house, or any house in a 30 mile radius. :)

Irrational Dad said...

Tyler and I went to a corn maze on Saturday... it was a circle... I've yet to be in an actual maze, and believe them to be nothing more than mere myth.

Sparkling said...

Ohh that is so funny. I can't believe you were brave enough to be the only people at the corn maze. Was the man also holding a shotgun??? As soon as I read about the old man by himself, I got a little nervous. Never been to a corn maze and people always say they are kind of scary because you can't find your way out.

I live in an old house and sometimes I sit and think that maybe the spirits will come talk to me if I let them. So I sit and invite them, but they remain hidden. It's a 200+ year old house, so I am certain there are spirits. But they tend to leave us alone. Probably a good thing.

Mama Badger said...

He, he, he. Ok, that's just funny (the pee thing, not the scared thing).

I hate being scared. Don't like horror flicks, despise the dark. No scary stories, no disembodied anything, thanks.

Pricilla said...

Mmmmm corn. We goats are about to eat all of the corn stalks from the farm.
You should have brought ME. I wouldn't have eaten you a way out...

The Mother said...

I hate being scared. But since I don't believe in supernatural predators, the things that scare me tend to be the kind that are really, truly scarey.

SmartBear said...

First of all, I am now questioning why those Hansel and Gretel kids didn't think to do this rather than use stupid bread crumbs. Because THAT is brilliant! Well done!
I can't stand being scared. When I was a rebellious youth I loved me a haunted house and a spooky graveyard at night. Now? I'm afraid I will piss myself. Plus, sleep is a luxury I just don't screw with...know what I mean?

SLColman said...

Saved by pee!! That is so funny :)

Jenni said...

Peeing in a corn maze. That has to be a first.

I used to love scary movies, but ever since my first pregnancy, I can't even watch commercials for scary movies.

Mrs. Tuna said...

I once punched a guy who jumped on the back of the Big Tuna and my ride in a haunted house and actually scared the pee out of me.

Anonymous said...

Nope, don't like to be all. After we made settlement on this house, the former owner turned to his wife and said, "Well, should we tell them about the ghost?"

I never forgave him for that!

judemiller1 said...

No corn fields don't scare me--I love running through them and I have dropped my trou a few times in them too. You would have been fun on a Snipe hunt. Just a farm girl here...

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