Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Honey, you forgot to mow the kitchen counter


If you need evidence that the human race has hit rock bottom, look no further. Snookie is publishing a romance novel. If you don’t know who Snookie is, I’m jealous. I wouldn’t say I’m addicted to Jersey Shore, but I do watch it sometimes. I can’t help it. Any day now, one of the cast is going to catch such a bad case of herpes or gonorrhea that their limbs fall off, and I want to be there to see it.

Thank God someone invented a cure for unsightly dish racks. Fake grass on your counter looks so much better.

But where is the watering can coffee maker? And the coiled garden hose toaster? If someone’s going to suggest that regular kitchen apparatuses are aesthetically unacceptable, there needs to be more follow through, dammit. I need cohesion. How can we be asked to settle for just grass when we deserve so much more? How?

Yes, those are my pregnancy hormones talking. They’re the same ones that yelled out my window to the woman who let her poodles poop on my front walkway. I’ve never yelled out the window at anyone. It felt kind of good—though I think it would have felt even better if I’d been holding a rocket grenade launcher and had one leg up on the window sill, like I was ready to spring.

Why think small?

Before we can move to Mulletville Lite we need to remove black mold from my father’s basement. Chuck said mold removal takes precedence over painting. “Not when you’re painting a bedroom that used to be the bedroom your parents smushed* in,” I said. It’s true: being exposed to both can cause dizziness, nausea and vomiting.

Especially vomiting.

We’re throwing my friend Jen a bachelorette party this week (she’s the one who had her identity stolen by the Russian mafia, among other things). The evening includes fondue, specialty waxing—yep, an expert is stopping by for wax jobs—and this

Because what bachelorette party is complete without a penis cake? My friend Ana is baking the masterpiece, and she looked to me for guidance. Of course.

First, there was the question of ethnicity. After some debate, we decided on an attractive shade of tan. Then, the obvious question of testicular accoutrements. Ana was full of ideas: “I was looking online and someone covered the balls with chocolate sprinkles. It looked good. But I think if I can find the black licorice strings and curl them - that that might look better/grosser...I may try to make veins to, but that may be too much for me to handle.”

How could you not love this woman?

I think I’ll stop the randomness right there so you enjoy that graphic image of a penis cake for a while. Consider it my gift to you.

No, thank you.

*If you don’t know what smushing is, I’m jealous. Essentially, it’s what the cast of Jersey Shore does 24-7. Their word, not mine.


Anonymous said...

You really should holler out your window now and then. I do it all the time. It really feels good.

Also, if people think you're at least half crazy, they won't try to rob you or kidnap your children. Not that that has ever happened where I live, but you can never be too careful.

Lindy said...

Have never seen The Jersey Shore - never plan on seeing it either.

Also, the penis cake? I've seen some with a little cream colored gel icing coming (no pun intended) out the top. :)

The Mother said...

I'm a stainless steel counter girl. Sleek, modern, un- detailed.

Chocolate shavings?

Mama Badger said...

Ahhh, the counter top grass. That's only for drying cute baby stuff. Couldn't put your coffee mug on there. It would up and die on you.

No Jersey Shore here. I got nothing for you.

What that penis cake needs is a few of those cute little sperm candles from Spencer Gifts...

Magpie said...

I wish I needed to make a penis cake. My life would be complete.

VandyJ said...

Yeah, chocolate shavings would just make/take the cake. Sorry, couldn't resist.
You can envy me, I know nothing about Jersey Shore. And I don't want to know anything about Jersey Shore.

Sparkling said...

I am requiring you to post a picture of the penis cake or I will never read your blog again.

And I'd like to know what that phallic orange thing is in the fake grass dish drainer. A dildo? Oh my.

Pricilla said...

I am having more images of CUTTING the penis cake....THAT should be real interesting.

Frogs in my formula said...

Now that you mention it, what is that orange thing??

Katherine said...

I did an extreme amount of yelling when I was pregnant. We're talking baby #2 and the hubby is already scared!

Jenni said...

You almost ruined cake for me. Almost.

Jenni said...

You almost ruined cake for me. Almost.

Anonymous said...

Just don't make red velvet cake in that pan. Please.

But if you do, post a picture.

Keely said...

I really want that drying rack now.

And cake. Penis-shaped or otherwise.

SmartBear said...

I bought a few of those boon products because I was a new mom and I didn't know any better. They really sucked.
I was hit by a car while I was walking through a shopping parking lot when I was 7 months prego....you should have heard me go nuts on that idiot. You have full yelling rights when you are pregnant. Plus I think you should get to cut in line anywhere you want too.
Penis cake? Ohmyhell...

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

I want to know, after you have the cake, who ate the balls.

Y'know, you could always use coconut and say, "This is what it's gonna look like when he's 60"!

I guess, no point in depressing her BEFORE she's married.

The Momma/Nanny said...

It's amazing that there are entire factories completely devoted to making penis shaped things. I think it would look nice on your resume though. Set you apart from the crowd. ;)

Fickle Cattle said...

I'm sure it would rock: tons of orange tans, big hair and uhm...did I say orange tans?

I am Fickle Cattle.

From night lights to Fortnite: I need like 10,000 more tissues please

I swear, watching your kids grow up is so fucking hard. I thought it would be easier because Chuck and I are cool and hip, despite the...