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About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Random Tuesday thoughts: Corn and ham


Every night Junior crawls out of bed, walks into the bedroom and says, “I have to ask you something. Would you try to eat a moose?” Chuck and I say yes, and he goes back to bed.

I thought stalling toddlers were supposed to ask for water.

When Chuck and I first moved to Mulletville, Chuck was way into all things Viking. When we looked at colors for Junior’s room and Chuck saw “Viking Blue” he was S-E-T. I didn’t like the color, so I asked the woman at Home Depot if she could give me a different shade but put the “Viking Blue” label on the can. She could. She also said it happens quite frequently. (You know who you are.) I thought my little secret was safe until Chuck said he’d go to Home Depot and get another can so we could paint Junior’s new room the same color. “Um, honey...”

There are worse things to lie about.


I love ivillage, but I wish they hadn’t picked corn. All I can think about is how easy it would be to birth an ear of corn. I don't want to think thoughts like that. Corn is for BBQs.

People keep asking me if Chuck and I have picked out names for kid #2. This is my least favorite question. I started saying that we're thinking of the name Diddlydoo. The problem is, I’ve said it so many times that I’m actually starting to like the name Diddlydoo. How can you be in a bad mood when your kid is named Diddlydoo? On the other hand, how can you reprimand someone named Diddlydoo?

“Dammit, Diddlydoo! Did you diddle in your dinosaur pajamas?”

I’ve been having a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions, so I saw the doctor yesterday. She really worked me over. Since I’d never seen that particular doctor before, I asked if she was new. “I’m sorry,” she said, pulling off her rubber gloves, “I should have introduced myself before cramming my fist in your crotch.”*

It reminded me of being labor, when random people would wander into the room to check on the progress of my woman cave. They could have been janitors (and at that point I didn't really care).

Thinking about labor reminds me of something Blossom star Mayim Bialik recently said: “There are those among us who believe that if the baby can’t survive a home labor, it is OK for it to pass peacefully. I do not subscribe to this, but I know that some feel that … if a baby cannot make it through birth, it is not favored evolutionarily.”

"Those among us"? "Some feel"? Who are these mysterious beings? And look, without modern medicine, neither Junior nor I would be here right now, and there would have been nothing peaceful about it. Shit like that really pisses me off.

*Ok, the doctor didn’t really say that. But she should have.

Do I win the ham now?


The Mother said...

Home birth advocates will say almost anything to cover up their miserable child mortality rates.

"I feel" that homebirthers should start publishing their real stats.

Cassie said...

Questions about the name was my least favorite. Here's my rant on it if you're interested.
You are so right about the birthing experience. By the time I was released from the hospital I had no modesty left. Of course that made breast feeding easier...

FoN said...

I told people we were thinking of 'Lena' when I was pregnant with the last baby. My sister-in-law HATED it. "OMG, how could you EVER name your baby that!! It's horrible and vile and would be the worst thing ever!"

We named her Lena. I did that because I wanted to watch MIL squirm really badly after acting like such an utter asshole.

Sparkling said...

I'm a teacher and I can't tell you the inane names I've had to deal with over the years. BUt Diddlydoo would be way up there with one of my favorites. Just remember that when your kid has, shall we say, and unusual name, he/she needs to only be called by that first name and the entire school, and eventually the entire school system will know exactly which kid you're talking about. I'm just saying. Sometimes good old Bob, Anne, Billy aren't such bad names. Until you're smart like my principal and think 4 Christopher's in one class is Ok. Or that every variation of Kaitlyn or Catherine should all be in one class together. Or Tayla, Taya and Taylor all in one class. Oh wait, this is your blog post, not mine. Sorry!

VandyJ said...

Picking a girls name was easy for us, a boys name, not so much. We told but then we also found out the sex. I did temper my self when I told people--the doctors say this but you just never know. As for the name thing, we used it from the time we knew the sex and it just fit, people didn't have to ask by then.

kimert said...

Name picking is or can be hard but you know what, name that baby what you want and everyone else can just deal. Your baby - you name it. Their baby - they name it. :)

Pricilla said...

I think people ask about names 'cause they don't know what else to say in the conversation.

It helps move it along. I'm guilty of it.
so sorry.

Oh, have you picked a name out yet?

Erin said...

Ok I am new to this...but i'd give you ham! I agree about the paint....there are worse things you could lie about

Lindy said...

Are epidurals, The Nursery and meals prepared, brought to me and cleaned up on demand all part of at-home births? If so, sign me up.

Stacy Uncorked said...

Whatever name you decide on, I think you should still use the nickname 'Diddlydoo' - that would be hysterical! Then when he's introduced, you could say "Do you know Diddly?"

GENIUS idea on the paint can/color name change thingy...why didn't I think of that? I'm totally going to utilize that in the future. Especially when hubby brought home 'violet' for our downstairs powder room instead of the wine color I really wanted.

I'm with The Mother, homebirthers should start publishing their real stats.

RTT: Summer's End, Winemaking and Barf

The Crazy Coxes said...

I think you should win the ham!!!! Love your random!
Good luck with birthing Diddlydoo! ;)

Frogs in my formula said...

See, Diddlydoo is growing on everyone.


Brandy@YDK said...

I feel like if a home birth goes perfect then yay for that family - it must be nice.

as for myself - I worry WAY to much to leave my unborn baby's health in the hands of just anybody.

Mama Badger said...

Corn would only be easier if it were positioned correctly. If it were sideways, that'd cause you to have one of those births not favored by evolution and Blossom... Really, who says that krappe?

Tell people you're going to open the bible to a random page the day the baby is born and pick their name the old fashioned way. Just see what they say ;)

Frogs in my formula said...

I didn't even think about the corn being sideways. Gross but LMAO.

kyooty said...

I'd honestly much rather have birthed my 3rd at home. I even tried to go back to the chickenpox filled house and go ack to sleep vs dealing with the nurse "oh you should lay down and have a rest",as I gripped the Dinner table with all my strength. The fact that I gave birth in a room the size of a janitors closet did not help, or seeing that they had to take the baby's basinet into the room through the bathroom. Listening to another woman say "IS IT OUT YET?" didn't help. I was so glad when she was finished up and moved only to find out her whole Generation of friends and family were visiting her while I was bleeding out because well I can hold a lot of blood up there until the baby comes out.
I think id have been better off home with mr Chicken pox.

SLColman said...

I think I might like the name Diddlydoo.... At least it makes you smile :)

Leanne said...

My kid's last name begins with an F. When people would ask me if I had a name I would reply, 'Fredrick Oliver Francis'. Why yes, the acronym is F- OF*. :) Can I say that on here? Delete me if I can't....

Maggie said...

"before shoving my fist in your crotch"...that would have been awesome if she'd really said that!

I think you should TOTALLY go with Diddlydoo. If Gwyneth can go with Apple, and Geldof can use Fifi Trixibelle, then there's no reason why you can't name your kid Diddlydoo!

Alison said...

So I am due about 8 weeks ahead of you and ivillage told me that my baby is about the size of pineapple. While birthing something the size of a pineapple might not be so bad, the idea of birthing a pineapple is! Its all pointy and spiny and stuff!

Also, we don't know the gender but we aren't sharing names at all because of the teacher thing!

Becki said...

I really wanted that to be the doctor's real quote. Just sayin...

Keely said...

I think you should name the 2nd something that has the same initial as the first. Hehe.

SmartBear said...

You crack me up! We would make up a ridiculous name every time someone asked. I just didn't want to hear anyone's opinions. We referred to him as "Pepito" when we talked about him. This was kind of a joke because it is the term for a very small sandwich in Spain. I know...weird. Anyway, I started liking the name Pepito. Pregnancy makes you a little nutty.
I have hear that quote from "Blossom" before. I just think she's looney. My baby was huge and frank breach. So she can suck it.
But I have to say that your doctor's apology reminds me of my friend when she had her 2nd son. She said there were so many people looking at her crotch that she didn't notice the huge 7 foot tall 3oo pound guy washing off her naughty bits afterwards. When she finally noticed him gingerly cleaning her off he just started shaking his head and saying "I'm so sorry ma'am". It was so funny.

Lisa said...

For some reason the moose thing is making me laugh out loud. Your kid is too cute.

Mayim Bialik is weird. I think she's one of those believers in the diaper-free movement. Hellz, no.