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About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Egg salad makes me giggle like a schoolgirl bump. My eentsy teensy tiny bump.

I’m due around Christmas, which sucks sweaty, hairy donkey balls. My birthday is right after Christmas, so I know all too well what happens. People lump your birthday into Christmas and give you a “combo gift” (which isn’t any better than what they would have given you had it solely been a Christmas gift) or they forget about it entirely and mail you a crappy card at the end of January, promising to remember it next year.

Which they don’t. Sales of belated birthday cards spike in January. It’s a commonly known fact.

Forget having an actual party the weekend of your birthday. People are too tired after the holidays to even think about putting on a party hat and having a glass of wine with you. “Wah, wah, the holidays wore me out,” they bitch. As if driving 24 hours with two toddlers, two gerbils, and a carload of presents to visit Uncle Fred and Aunt Sue is a legitimate cause for fatigue. Suck it up!

On the rare chance you do rally a few people for keg stands and cake, Mother Nature steps in and gives you a blizzard.

This poor kid.

At least he (or she?) won't be alone. According to the Mulletville OB-GYN, there are a record number of women in Mulletville who are also due around Christmas. The doctor said—and I quote—“I know what you’ve all been up to.”

I got a mental picture then. A picture of all the toothless residents of Mulletville boffing their brains out the same fateful night that Chuck and I did. I tried to set the scene: Did foreplay include petting their mullets to White Snake? Was there post-coital mullet love, too? “Oh Jimmy, this K-Y sure does add shine to yer mullet.”

That made me throw up a little. Of course these days, what doesn’t make me want to barf?

(Egg salad. I cannot eat enough egg salad. Look at it, just bursting with egg salad-y goodness.)

While at the OB-GYN I also found out that because I am 35, I am of “Advanced Maternal Age.” This means I have to purchase my own ultrasound machine and give myself an exam every night before bed to make sure I am not carrying a four-headed, half-gecko, half-orangutan Frankenstein baby.

Will you pray for me?

As much as I resent the geriatric designation, I actually kinda sorta buy into the advanced thing. Whenever possible, I nap under my desk. I live for sweatpants and comfortable sneakers. I purchase products that advertise more fiber.

Also, my patience isn’t what it used to be. Like, when I’m hunched over the toilet because the smell of my deodorant is making me gag, I don’t laugh off Junior’s “Are you sick, Mommy? Are you throwing up? Am I sick? Do you have a GERM? Do you have a stomach bug? Are you sick? ARE you, Mommy? Are you throwing UP? I’m going to throw up. I’m sick too. Bleeeeech. Mommy, see? I’m sick too. Bllleeeeech. I’m throwing up!”

Instead, I yell for Chuck to come take him away. Yes, if being advanced means I get to crawl into bed—alone—and pull the covers over my head at 7:45 p.m., by God I’ll take it.

So that’s chapter one of my bump: egg salad and nautical-themed sweatsuits that swish when I walk. But hey, at least this time my dad is happy for us in that goofy grandfatherly kind of way. At least this time he didn’t think I was coming out of the closet when I was trying to share my good news.

My boss, on the other hand? Not looking forward to the reveal...


rachel... said...


Doris Sturm said...

Congratulations, but don't worry, you won't need your own ultrasound machine, they have a blood test for that ;-)

Pricilla said...

It was funny reading that linked post - I was who's Charles until I figured it out.
It is a shame you are not closer. I have so many eggs in my refrigerator right not it is crazy.

Mrsbear said...

I'm certain your baby will have the appropriate number of heads. My youngest was born Dec 14 and he generally doesn't get gypped out of gifts. His birth also conveniently got me out of the requisite holiday visits, since I was freshly delivered and in no condition to take my 11 day old baby out in to the big bad toxic world...never mind the fact we'd been visiting Target and having dinner at Arby's during the first 24 hours out. Nobody needs to know that...Egg salad. Yum.

The Mother said...

I thought the baby bump was in late Sept/early Oct, due to New Year's revels. Hmm....

Feel free to wallow. I had my last one at 36. It was actually easier than my 3rd at 33. But I did have an epidural.

Lisa said...

Oh, god, Mulletheads boffing....MAKE IT STOP, MAKE IT STOP!!

This made me laugh out loud. Muchas gracias for the giggle.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

That's so awesome! I mean, not about the mulletville folks because I live in a type of Mulletville and I don't want to think about any of them boffing or bonking or whatevering! Yikes...and like 50 kids were born the same day as Jonathan so...*shudder*

I've been thinking we should have another before I'm 35 and I have to do all that. I have three we'd better get a move on I guess. I can't afford an ultra sound machine.

Holly-- The Storm Chaser said...

Congratulations! I'm sure your multi-headed baby will be as funny as you, and no one will even notice the abnormality.
I feel your pain on the holiday birthday. Two of my boys were born around Thanksgiving, and some years it actually falls on the same day. Party planning SUCKS for them both because nobody seems to be around, or in a partying mood after Thanksgiving. I just don't get it, because once my in-laws leave, I'm all about a party.
Congratulations again. I'm sure there will be tons of funnies to come out of it all.

Brandy said...

I don't think I've ever had egg salad but it does not look good. Good luck with the boss

Beta Dad said...

Maybe you can fake some symptoms and get induced a couple weeks early. My wife's b-day is ON Xmas day. She's so bitter. She's got a big grudge against Little Baby Jesus.

My wife was also AMA *and* with twins. We had so many damn ultrasounds we already had the photo album half-full by the time the kids came out.

Hang in there!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I know how you son's birthday is 23rd Dec. I'll definitely be praying for you!! :)

heather said...

My birthday is around Thanksgiving. My August-born brother always got a big family party with lots of gifts and cake. I got nothing. My mother's story about my birthday was "The whole family is here!" But did they have presents and cake? Nope. But I'm not holding a grudge. Not a bit. LOL

Jenni said...

Yeah for bumps and boo for for barfing.

tootertotz said...

Time to call Tom Cruise...he'll buy anything for a pregnant lady except anti-depressants.

I think he got an ultrasound machine when Katie Holmes was pregnant with little Sushi the Prada-wearing princess! Ha!

Gah...I am so pathetic with this celebrity gossip addiction.

Mama Badger said...

Oh, you are playing this one so wrong. You and the new kid need to start celebrating your half birthday, instead of your actual birthday. I have two nieces with birthday's around Christmas. This was our solution for them. Now they have a combined pool party in the middle of the summer. Score for all of us! (because nobody likes to be the auntie who's trying to figure out birthdays in the middle of the christmas frackas!)

Alison said...

I am pregnant too and my dad keeps telling people with babies that he sees in stores, "I have one of those on order for early November". I get the goofy Grandfatherly thing...and since I already came out of the closet...he wasn't worried about that! :)

blognut said...

I'm with Mama Badger, who shamelessly stole my idea the very moment she heard me thinking it. What?

Anyway, my friends do a half-birthday party for their kids' friends in June and it works like a charm.

GumDropSwap said...

you made me laugh when I should have been working. How far is Mulletville from Bridgeport exactly? You should come visit me at my kids boutique to swap Jr's clothes for the bun. Following you from MBC

Keely said...

Egg salad?? Really??

I no longer think we were separated at birth.

My very best friend's birthday is on December 26th, and yes, I forget it a lot. Even her own parents kind of gloss over it now that she's an adult. So I'm sorry, little Mullet bean, your mother clearly does not love you.

Magpie said...

Ooh! Congratulations!

And, I feel for you on the birthday business - Dec 29th, here. I feel lucky though; I was supposed to be born on Christmas Day.