I Just Called To Say I Whittled You Something

Here's the thing: Even before I got married, marriage seemed like a sadistic endeavor. No one that's married seems particularly happy; in fact, marriage seems to suck the joy out of life and the life out of people.

Child of divorce? Who, me?

Amazingly, Chuck and I are celebrating our five year wedding anniversary this week! Can you believe it? Five freaken years of wedded bliss.

Ahem.

Two years ago, when tradition demanded I give him leather, I surprised him with chaps and a riding whip. Last year, when fruit or flowers were in order I gave him a banana negligee and a potted plant.

This year, for numero cinq, I was supposed to come up with a gift that's...

wood.

Wood? Wood? Blech.

Wood sucks, but it gave me an idea. Pencils are wooden, right? And you'd use a wooden pencil to take a quiz, right? Right! What better way to express my love and devotion to Chuck than to have him take a 10-question quiz about our marriage right here on this blog?

With a little prodding and tasing, Chuck agreed, though he wouldn't let me edit his answers before posting them so with all likelihood you and I are reading this post at the same time. Gulp. Here goes.

1. What's your favorite thing about me?
Your birthday suit

2. What's your least favorite thing about me?
Your newt on your leg YUCK

3. I obviously wear the pants in this relationship. What type of pants-wearer am I? (a) Fascist dictator (b) Brilliant matriarch (c) I'm too scared to answer
c I'm too scared to answer

4. Does this blog make me look fat?
Just when you blog about me.

5. Did you ever think you'd be so lucky as to end up with such an amazing, smart, beautiful, funny, hot wife?
Yes, I would expect nothing less for myself

6. Why don't you clean more?
That's what visiting mother inlaws are for

7. What's your favorite memory of your wife?
Spraying Solarcaine on your back in the men's room at the bar on our first date, you took your shirt off and I got a look at the goods.

8. Did you really mean "till death do us part" or is "mid-life crisis" more accurate?
Till death do us part

9. Besides sex, what's the one thing that would make our marriage stronger?
Sex

10. Write something really, really wonderful and sweet:
Thank you for loving me, our two beautiful children, and this wonderful life we have carved out for ourselves. I love you more than I ever have and am incredibly grateful, as well as lucky, to have you in my life. 5 years down only 45 more to go

Pencils down.

I love you, Chuck.