Tuesday, September 8, 2009

From the grave: Miley needs to come down off the pole, plus, a winner (finally)

After I finished mourning my made-in-China American flag on Sunday, I took Junior to visit my friend, Sandy, in Assachusetts. I had an extra day to burn thanks to Labor Day; what better way to spend it than in the state that’s home to the world’s worst drivers?

Sandy’s other friend was also spending the night with her three-year-old daughter, Bella, who is Junior’s girlfriend.

Yah, that’s what he calls her. His girlfriend.

Am I ready? No. But they were lying in bed together and all hands stayed above the diaper line so I’m guessing I have a few years before we need to have the talk. Though if Miley Cyrus keeps pole dancing and the marketers succeed at funneling little girls into exotic dancing careers—which seems to be their master plan—I may only have a few months.

While the kids were canoodling on Sandy's bed, we admired the photo of her beloved Grandma Adele.

Sandy was in the midst of explaining how Grandma and Grandmpa Adele had met when suddenly Junior stopped, pointed to the picture and said, “Her grandma lives in the dirt*!”

“What, honey?” I asked.

“She lives in dirt. She's in dirt.”

Sandy grabbed my hand and shrieked, “What?? Grandma Adele is dead! He’s right. She lives in the dirt!”

“Ooooooooooooooh,” we all said.

“Does this mean Junior sees dead people?” I asked.

“It makes sense,” said Sandy. “His father is a ghostbuster.”

Everyone thought the prospect of Junior communing with dead people was great. Not me. My prenup specifically says only one ghosbuster in the family. I don’t care if Chuck gets slimed with ectoplasm. But not my baby—even if it is with Sandy's grandma's goop. She's cute and grandmotherly, sure, but she is...well, dead.

And hello, Haley Joel Osment was creepy. No one wants a toddler pulling at your shorts saying, "I see the dirt people."

After we put the kids to bed, we sat in the living room. Had some drinks. Shot the shit. We were about to put in a movie when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. It was white, glowing and moving slowly. I grabbed Sandy's leg.

“It’s an arm! Agggggggh! A floating arm!” I screamed. Everyone jumped.

Sure enough, there was a pale white arm reaching for the doorknob. The arm belonged to Bella. She wanted a glass of water.

The lesson? Chuck's ghostbusting is making me a nervous fucking wreck and if he doesn't get a TV show from it, I am making him trade in his thermal camera for a proper briefcase/toolbelt/I don't really care what it is as long as it has to do with the living (and making a living, for that matter).


Speaking of marital bliss, I'd like to announce the winner of the tungsten ring. It's Riley's Mis-Adventures. She may not want it after I slammed her home state, but I'm sure Grandma Adele will vouch for me in the Afterlife.

Or maybe not.

*I realize it's a sepia-toned photo and that that may account for the dirt thing but come in, it is eerie.


FoN said...

Alright - junior's girlfriends dirt grandma is officially freaking me out.

Mad Woman said...

Um. Hm. Yes. Dirt people. Good luck with that one.

A Mom on Spin said...

Yes, it is eerie! And dirty! I think that photo is dirty!

Does that mean I see dirt/dead people too?

Kate said...

So when is Chuck's show going to be on? I've been anxious to say, "I'm so cool, I know that guy." And yes, I will TOTALLY act like I know him.

Keely said...

The road behind Dirt Grandma kind of looks like she's standing in a hole. Sandy is just fucking with you.

(But don't tell Chuck anyway, he'll strap a thermal camera to Junior's ass)

Pricilla said...

All kids are psychic...they just lose the ability as they age.

Congrats to the winner.

blognut said...

creepy. waaaaaay creepy.

mo.stoneskin said...

Dammit now I'm going to be on edge all day, fully expecting a pale disembodied arm to grab me by the throat.

DysFUNctional Mom said...

I used to clean houses, so I'd often see pictures of people I didn't know at all. On several occasions, the thought would pop into my head "he/she is dead now". I was never able to confirm whether or not I was right, though.

kyooty said...

well since you said "state" I guess the Canadian in me didnt' win? :) I remember when we lived in NH calling it assachusetts too

Lindy said...

This post ranks right up there with freaky foot photo.

You realize you'll have to post again soon so Grandma Adele isn't hanging out in my reader, right?


i found yor blog via DECISIONALLY CHALLENGED. i love finding new blogs! come and check me out! if you decide you want to follow me, i would be glad to return the favor!


Anonymous said...

How come in your banner your privates are covered by a leaf, Junior's are covered by a train, but poor old Chuck is exposed to the elements?

Just a passing thought because the thought of my kid being able to see things I can't totally freaks me out and makes me want to strap my Bible to her.

Frogs in my formula said...

Marybt, that is a great question about the banner. I didn't even realize. I'll have to rectify that.

Brandy said...

I totally agree. I would not want my child to see dead dirt people.

Grand Pooba said...

I would love to see dead people but I'm allergic to dirt. Seriously.

(Ok maybe not seriously but you'd never know!)

Suzi said...

Damn......I mean congrats to the winner. As for Assachusetts, I have never been.

Dto3 said...

You and Chuck have a prenup? And it includes a ghostbuster clause? You two thought of everything!

Julia said...

Junior could be the next reality tv star. How could you turn down an opportunity like that? Ghost busting toddler would slay John and Kate!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Maybe Junior just sees dirty people. :)

I'm the webmaster for a local Ghost Hunter group - it always cracks me up when they send me updates for their site of, you know, sights. ;)

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