I pulled off a major coup this weekend. I threw a surprise picnic for Chuck in honor of his birthday. I had it at a park far, far from Mulletville. The park was spacious, sprawling and free. The best part was that there were picnic tables galore and they weren’t chained down, like they are in Mulletville, so we could build a barricade to other picnickers.
There’s nothing worse than an errant picnicker at a party.
To get Chuck to the park, I made up this lie: My family was having a picnic and I had to drive there early to have lunch with all the ladies in the family (because nothing’s more common than a pre-picnic lunch). Chuck needed to be there no later than two.
While Chuck’s friends and I were setting up, Chuck called everyone and their mother and begged them to save him from my family’s picnic. Around the fifth call, I started to get pissed. My family’s not that bad. Around the twentieth call, people had to stop me from throwing a picnic table into the water and calling off the festivities.
I’m glad they restrained me. After Chuck arrived he explained that he had called everyone because he knew I was up to something and he wanted to see if any of his friends would slip up.
There’s nothing worse than a strategic spoilsport at a party. Outwit me? Never!
The party went swimmingly. The grills worked. The sun shone. My bestest friend made the cutest cake. (I like how she stabbed the ghosts with the candles.)
As we were packing up, Chuck’s best friend said that I should pat myself on the back for a great party and for the fact that Chuck was so punctual.
“You told him to be here at two and he arrived at two-ten,” he explained. “That’s dedication.”
“Really?” I asked.
All the other men nodded knowingly.
So wow, there’s a whole component to relationships that I was never aware of. According to Chuck’s best friend, women can use punctuality, or the lack of it, as a barometer for devotion. Am I the only one who didn’t know this? Apparently there’s a pie chart in men’s locker rooms that breaks it down by the minute:
This changes everything.