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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Monday, September 28, 2009

I had no idea so much was at stake

I pulled off a major coup this weekend. I threw a surprise picnic for Chuck in honor of his birthday. I had it at a park far, far from Mulletville. The park was spacious, sprawling and free. The best part was that there were picnic tables galore and they weren’t chained down, like they are in Mulletville, so we could build a barricade to other picnickers.

There’s nothing worse than an errant picnicker at a party.

To get Chuck to the park, I made up this lie: My family was having a picnic and I had to drive there early to have lunch with all the ladies in the family (because nothing’s more common than a pre-picnic lunch). Chuck needed to be there no later than two.

While Chuck’s friends and I were setting up, Chuck called everyone and their mother and begged them to save him from my family’s picnic. Around the fifth call, I started to get pissed. My family’s not that bad. Around the twentieth call, people had to stop me from throwing a picnic table into the water and calling off the festivities.

I’m glad they restrained me. After Chuck arrived he explained that he had called everyone because he knew I was up to something and he wanted to see if any of his friends would slip up.

There’s nothing worse than a strategic spoilsport at a party. Outwit me? Never!

The party went swimmingly. The grills worked. The sun shone. My bestest friend made the cutest cake. (I like how she stabbed the ghosts with the candles.)



As we were packing up, Chuck’s best friend said that I should pat myself on the back for a great party and for the fact that Chuck was so punctual.

“You told him to be here at two and he arrived at two-ten,” he explained. “That’s dedication.”

“Really?” I asked.

All the other men nodded knowingly.

So wow, there’s a whole component to relationships that I was never aware of. According to Chuck’s best friend, women can use punctuality, or the lack of it, as a barometer for devotion. Am I the only one who didn’t know this? Apparently there’s a pie chart in men’s locker rooms that breaks it down by the minute:



This changes everything.

26 comments:

Keely said...

Uh...I didn't know that, either. Clearly I didn't get the manual.

Looks like my hubby loves me.

rachel... said...

And here I thought my husband is habitually late because he's a moron. Huh.

Pricilla said...

Congratulations on pulling off the party.

Men are just genetically programmed to be late. The only way to get them to be early or on time is to lie to them about the REAL start time.

Leanne said...

When did this happen? And what do you mean my hubbies doing my sister?

Oh, and congrats on the party.

Julia said...

Sadly I am in the blue and my husband wants to do my best friend. I have to show him your pie chart. Or will that just make him happy??? I just don't know any more.

But you are a really nice spouse to put on such a good party.

JW.BW said...

Wow, theres alot more to men than I thought. Here, I just thought they were mostly absent minding n inconsiderate, focusing most of their limited brain power on football and food. I had NO IDEA it was an actual process!! I should give men more credit!!! What a great post.

mo.stoneskin said...

You were so busy you didn't notice me, an errant picnicker, scoffing your food with wild abandon.

Vodka Mom said...

did I miss a picnic????????

Lindy said...

So...according to this chart, the majority of men out there have banged my best friend AND my sister!?

Maybe this is why the male ghosts on the cake have been stabbed to death. The chick peeps got it on with them and their friends found out.

Lidian said...

I had no idea, thank you for this information...

My DH and I had a terible falling-out man years ago when we were dating because he though I was late and also in the wrong place to meet up (PS: I was on time and in the right place!!) Have no idea how to interpret (or perhaps misinterpret) that. Except of course to reiterate that I WAS right.

You were very very nice to plan that picnic and the cake is really cute. I love those little ghosts, they look only faintly outraged that they are being speared by candles.

Lidian said...

Please excuse stupido typos in above. Sorry, have not had enough coffee (this is my excuse throughout the day no matter how much I have had)

Ashley said...

Well that completely explains my first marriage.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Anne said...

I didn't get the manual either. Although, according to your pie chart, my husband shamelessly worships me and I only most love him (yes, I am the one who is usually late).

Suzi said...

Unfortunately I am often in the yellow, so he's already done my best friend AND my sister.

Ghost stabbing? How appropriate!

Buggys said...

Wow I didn't know about this aspect of men? I didn't think they had that many aspects to begin with. Now though I can see clearly that my first marriage was doomed to failure (not a shock) but that my current marriage is quite secure! Hey thanks.
Love that cake. Are those Skittles around the edge?

Trac~ said...

WOW - that's news to me TOO! ACK! My husband KNOWS if he is late or makes me late to any place at any time there will be HELL to pay! I am NOT a good person to deal with if I am late somewhere - HA!

Sheila said...

How cool of you to have a surprise party!! You go girl!!
ANd um...about that chart....I had NO clue...yes, it SURE will change things....

Grand Pooba said...

Wow! I had NO idea I could measure my husband's love by his punctuality! I'm going to pay more attention next time!

blognut said...

Love the pie chart. I never knew!!!

McGillicutty said...

Love the pie chart but it doesn't explain why mine just doesn't give a shit and lives in his own time zone?
Congrats on successful party. I came here from Blognut, love the post!

kyooty said...

AWWWWW! he loves you. Happy belated Chuck. The Ghosts told him didn't they?

Dto3 said...

Did those ghosts have birthday presents in their pockets, or were they just happy to be at the party?

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I like the punctuality=devotion idea, because it means Mr. Handsome is "totally devoted to me", a la Olivia Newton-John. At least, I think I'm glad...

marybt said...

That cake is cute.

Sara said...

I thought it a bit odd the ghost's had boners, then I realized what it was. Men are visual so the pie chart is excellent. :D

Stacie's Madness said...

ROFLMAO.