Yes I'm falling apart, but my cheeks are stunning

I’m brain dead. I’m not sure if my brain cells are working overtime to heal my finger and toe or if my brain has decided to begin its geriatric decline in anticipation of my 35th birthday (relax, you still have six months to get me something).

So in lieu of an anecdote or rant, I wanted to share some my favorite things. No one paid me to say any of the following. These are actual items I have in my home. And they rock my world.

First, Clean and Clear Oil Absorbing sheets.



If you’re like me and your face becomes an oil slick mid-day, these blue sheets are fabulous for blotting. I’ve tried every other sheet out there and nothing compares—not even the ones from the Body Shop.

If you don’t want to spend the $5, the free toilet bowl liners (the waxy paper ones) in public restrooms actually do a good job of removing excess oil from your face (notice I said face). During an impoverished and OCD phase of my life I actually stole armfuls of the liners, took them home and cut them up into little blot-sized squares.

Obviously that was a time in my life when I should have been medicated.

The only caveat to the Clean and Clear sheets? If nosy co-workers wander into your office mid-blot, they may inquire as to why you are covered in Smurf-colored paper.



Tell ’em to suck it.

Next up, Benefit Cheek Stain (feel free to disregard my dusty window sill in the background).



I know, I know, it costs $28, but it smells like roses and lasts forever. Stick it in your purse, dab a few drops on your cheeks and bammo, you are rosy and flushed. No powdery streaks, no creamy gloops. Just pinky, tarty cheeks. I am a blush whore. I will be buried with this product.

And finally, from Mrs. Mullet's bathroom, Bumble and Bumble Straight.



If you blow dry your hair straight, you must use this. Don’t waste your money on the drugstore stuff; this leaves your hair shiny and glossy every time. At $25 a pop it’s expensive, but I bought this last November and I’m not even halfway through the bottle. Just don’t use too much; you’ll look like a greasehead.

Moving on to the kitchen. My friend recently turned me on to Pepperidge Farm* Deli Flats bread. Clearly I don't have a future in product photography because this looks totally unappealing (mmmm, sweaty wheat bread), but you get the idea.



I practically dry humped the bread I was so tickled by it. It is perfect for toddlers. There’s no crust, and the slices are thinner than bread, so the sandwich gets eaten instead of wasted. I cut up Junior’s sandwiches in the shape of triangles. He loves it. He calls it “peanut butter and jelly pizza.”

That Junior.

And lastly, Funky Monkey freeze-dried fruit ($2.49 in Connecticut).



The word freeze-dried doesn't sound very appealing, but I love these because the flavors are juicy and the fruit pieces don’t taste spongy or airy like other fruit snacks. They’re crunchy (crispy even), so it feels like you’re eating something naughty, even though they only have 110 calories per bag. I don't know how else to say it: Every flavor tastes good. And not to sound all Pollyanna, but I feel better knowing that Junior is snacking on fruit.

The only drawback is that there’s no seal on the bag. If your toddler is a grazer, like Junior is, there are usually leftovers. But hell, the problem is easily solved with a clothespin or clamp. Another bummer: You can’t get them at the usual chain supermarkets, so if you live far away from a Whole Foods, like I, it’s hard to get your hands on them. If your husband likes to down them like candy and you make a special trip to get them for your child, you’ll probably want to hide a case—

—Oh shit, my last brain cell just exploded on the monitor. Gross.

*Arnold Bread also makes these; they're called Sandwich Thins.