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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

"Shoot" is not the same as $5, slimeball

Yesterday when I went to get my frozen lunch from the freezer it was gone. There was one frozen lunch and four boxes of frozen corn in there, all marked "Steve," so I walked down to Steve's office.

"Did you, um, eat my lunch by accident?" I asked nicely.

"Did I? I might have."

"Veggie lasagna?"

"Shoot. That explains why the box didn't have my name on it."

Awkward, drawn out pause.

"I, um, don't have a lunch now..."

"Right! Have my tofu lasagna."

Yuck. I would rather sprinkle moldy cheese and gizzards on my toes, mash them into my shoes, run five miles and lick the goo off than eat tofu lasagna.

"I don't really like tofu," I said, this time not as nicely. More like, Hey, jackass, you ate my lunch, how about $5?

"Shoot, sorry," he said. "Next time write your name on the box."

I was about to say, "Ok, sure," but why? Why was it my fault he ate my lunch? So I said, "Next time eat the lunch with your name on it."

I shot him death rays, but he was already back to typing. Apparently we have not progressed from our days on the playground.

I need a plan. A carefully hatched plan of revenge. Yeeeessssss. Mwaaahahahahaa.

28 comments:

marybt said...

Well it's really your own fault for expecting better from a man who would eat tofu lasagna. Just sayin'.

What's the deal with 4 boxes of corn? I mean I like corn, but I don't keep four boxes at the office.

As for revenge ... you could bring in Oreos with which you've replaced the cream filling with toothpaste and offer him some. Or you could just pee in his tofu. Or egg his house (junior high antics call for junior high revenge). Or send him a bill for the price of the lunch you brought plus the price of the second lunch you had to go buy...

Now I'm just rambling.

Denise said...

Here's what I'd do. I'd totally get some Ex-Lax, a syringe and create a mixture to infiltrate a fresh new box of my own lasagna. Then I'd strategically place it in the freezer. After he gets a hold of that one, I bet he doesn't come looking for any other un-labeled food in the freezer.

Then I'd place an IOU in the freezer for $10, the cost to replace both the meals he stole from you.

And finally, I'd label anything else I put in the freezer with "STEVE STEALS LUNCHES" or "NOT STEVE'S LUNCH" on all sides so if he took it, folks would KNOW it's not his.

Gina said...

I love the "NOT STEVE'S LUNCH" idea. I was thinking something along the lines of ex-lax-chip cookies or something evil, but smartass works, too.

Suzi said...

You could sabbotage the next freezer lunch you bring, without a name, and hope beyond all hopes that Steve eats it. Maybe that will teach him a lesson to eat what is not his.

Katie said...

Get a few meals, let them sit out for about a week, re-freeze them and take them to work. When he gets really sick from them -- oopsie!!

Or, find out which car is his and attach a dead fish someplace on the undercarriage.

A few shrimp stuffed in hard to see places around his desk and left to rot might be fun, too, but you'll have collateral damage.

I see a rotting food trend going on with my suggestions. Perhaps my subconscious is telling me to clean my fridge?

Sheila said...

I have to agree with Katie. My thoughts were putting an open can of tuna in a sandwich bag and hide it in his office somewhere! :)

C.B. Jones said...

One word: Identity.


Here's another word in case that made no sense: Theft.


You should probably put them together to form some sort of phrase or something.

kyooty said...

office or cube? stick a bill on either door, or BIGGGGGGGGGGGG ASS markers "STEVE EAT'S YOUR LUNCH! SO ANYTHING MARKED STEVE IS YOURS! cause this is opposite world" :)


Bitch me? no,but I"m not good with office people

but KAtie is genius!!!

or even better really fine print "recalled" tiny tiny so no one sees it until AFTER they eat it.

I have a friend that adds blue or green food coloring drops to her milk so it looks like breastmilk in the fridge.

sarahthings said...

I think your fist crammed into backside of his face would do the trick. What a douche! You should write him a bill. And add a fee for dealing with his unnecessary douchebaggery.

mo.stoneskin said...

Right.

Take a bunch of his dirty underwear from the laundry basket. Fold it into a sandwich-shaped pile and wrap it in brown paper. Put the package in a lunchbox with his name on it. Write something tasty on the label, 'roast beef sandwiches' or something.

Wuhahahahhahahaha

Anne said...

You could always make a sign for his door that says, "Steve steals lunch" (or tape it to his back).

You could also steal all his frozen corn although I am not sure what you would do with it, who can eat 4 boxes of frozen corn.

harrietv said...

Lots of good choices. Let me add, if your veggie lasagna is prepared (as opposed to homemade), put the next one on there with the receipt. Mark that Steve ate my lunch and owes me $5. If he misses that, by all means put it on the intercom or maybe a department-wide e-mail.

You could have bought a couple of gallons of gas with that lost money!

Madge said...

cover his desk in tofu?

to subtle?

Whiney Momma said...

I loathe lunch stealers...it seems like they are everywhere. Mostly they are squirrely men. I don't think you should have to put a lot of effort into revenge. He is obviously a vegetarian from his selections...so just plop a big old hunk of raw meat on the office kitchen table with a little sign sticking out of it that says, "Steal this, Steve!"

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I'm copying all the comments' suggestions into a word doc so I can systematically use it on all the lunch owners in my office..one every week!
No, they didn't steal my lunch..I just enjoy traumatising people!!!

Kerrie said...

I like Denise's idea of "Not Steve's lunch" on anything in the future you put in the freezer and/or fridge (just to be safe).

I cannot believe he didn't offer you anything besides his tofu lasagne for eating YOUR lunch.

He sounds dreadful!

Keely said...

Wow, everybody else is so vindictive. I love it.

Personally, I'd just say, "Well please don't ever fucking do that again, STEVE". Then I'd go out for sushi.

Ashlee said...

I'd just hide his "tofu" meals and write a big fat "I owe U" note in the freezer. That way he knows how it feels. Then hold his food hostage for YOUR $5!!!

resplendentlife said...

What a jerkface. I like the idea of labeling everything that you bring from now on 'NOT STEVE'S LUNCH'. But I really think you should just say to him, 'Did you bring my $5 today?' the next time you see him, like it was understood that he was going to replace your lunch. What an asswipe...I can't believe he had the nerve to say ,'next time put your name on it. ugh!

lizspin said...

Was the tofu not punishment enough???

Marinka said...

Totally agree with Lizspin. He's been punished enough.

Harmony said...

Boy I don't miss working in an office :(

The Mother said...

The police use exploding dye balls to mark the bad guys in robberies. You could try that? Might be some great entertainment for the office.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

HA! I love the 'NOT Steve's Lunch' idea...but I also like Katie's ideas... ;)

Obviously he thought a veggie lasagna would be much more tasty than a tofu one...DUH! And yet, he offered the yucky tofu to you? Not cool! :)

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

what a dork! I would so totally go postal on his ass. I think you should definitely do something to his tofu lasagna and then seal it back in the box...

Raven said...

A man playing stupid when caught red-handed, yeah, like that's original. Revenge...now that sounds fun!

mom911 said...

I can't *even* think of anything better than the ideas you've already been given. Good stuff!
But, what an asshole! Are you sure his name isn't Rich. Otherwise I must work with his brother. I guess they're everywhere.
~Stephanie

Pricilla said...

Heh heh. I would just offer you Abby to butt him. But I see the problem has been solved,