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About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Truth serum: only 125 calories a pop

Last night Chuck and I had my mother, Linda, and stepfather over for dinner. We wanted to thank them for hosting Junior’s birthday party (and the girls) at their house last weekend, so we bought them a nice bottle of scotch.

My mother doesn’t really like scotch, but it’s the only thing she’ll drink. When she was in her twenties, she researched the alcoholic drinks with the fewest calories and scotch was the winner.

And oh, how it won last night.

Somehow we got on the subject of Chuck and I: The Early Years. It all began in 1997. I was 22; he was 25. Fresh out of college, I was over my unshaven armpit phase (I only lasted a month); Chuck had hair. Sigh.

Chuck had just ended a relationship with a woman who was 31 (i.e., an “older” woman), and I had told my mother as much. I may have also mentioned that Chuck’s previous girlfriend was 25, to his 21.

What did my mother glean from that?

Chuck [to Linda]: “You thought I was a male prostitute?”

Linda: “My daughter said you had dated older women.”

Me: “You thought Chuck was a male prostitute?”

Stepfather: “Should we all eat some bread?”

Linda: “I’d just seen Loverboy! I was able to put together the pieces. I’m not stupid, you know.”

Me: “I didn’t say he’d dated 50- and 60-year olds! I didn’t say money was exchanged!”

Chuck: “I wish I was a male prostitute!” (High fives stepfather)

Me [to Linda]: “I don’t know what I’m more disturbed by: the fact that you thought Chuck was a gigolo or that you were okay with your daughter dating a male hooker.”

Linda [winking at Chuck]: “I thought my daughter knew what she was doing.”

Me: “I think I may throw up.”

Chuck honey, you know how everyone needs a theme song? Well, here you go.

If you haven’t seen Loverboy, I highly recommend it. It’s funny, lighthearted and sweet (for as sweet as a movie can be about a boy who sells his body for money).


marybt said...

Nothin' says "thanks for hosting my kid's birthday" like a nice bottle of hooch! lol.

That's funny about the hubster being a gigolo. Teehee.

Lindy said...

Seriously? Scotch has the least amount of calories - your blog is both informative and health conscious....kudos!

And hey, with the economic downturn that male prostitute thing may come in handy!

Julia said...

It's refreshing to know parents can have such candid conversations with you. My inlaws would have passed out cold at that one and my mom probably would have just left the room.

But I thought it was funny.

Ms. Salti said...

Nice! That's one I'll definitely be sharing with the friends!

FoN said...

That is HILARIOUS. I love it when my mother gets drunk and tells me stuff. I make it my mission to keep her half in the bag as often as possible.

Suzi said...

Family comedy at it's best. Is this still the Archie Bunker era? The relationship my mom and I have....I would have gotten offended and then some how offended her. Imagine that.

stephanie (bad mom) said...

That really is quite a compliment to both of you that your mom thought he was hot enough to be a gigolo...Though still a tad awkward.

Becki said...

Sounds like family dinners at your house are a lot more fun than at mine! Hahaha...

Dto3 said...

I'm just a gigolo. .
And, everywhere I go. . .
People tell me to keep it solo!

Keely said...

Can I come over for Sunday dinner?

I won't drink MUCH scotch, I promise.

mom911 said...

Dontcha just sometimes wish that your parents still thought of you as 12 and realize it is NOT OK to talk about certain things.
*MY* mom feels way too comfortable telling me about her intimacy problems with her third husband.
{sticks fingers in ears: lalalalalalalalal}

Joanie M said...

But vodka has no carbs! Neither does gin, rum or whiskey.

I think I need to rent that movie! It looks too funny!

ModernMom said...

Oh my gosh...who new truth serum was so readily available? Must go get some:)

Melissa B. said...

Did you ever see Richard Gere's movie Gigolo? I think it was Richard Gere. I don't think Chuck would want to be that...

Mary Anna said...

My mother would have said "prostitute" in this weird Samantha Jones-esque voice with her eyes shifted and cheeks blushing. My MIL on the other hand ... They saw "Eyes Wide Shut," which she said had the most tasteless orgy scene she's seen. This promoted lots of laughter and out-loud wondering about how many she had seen. (oh, and she and I drink g&t or cosmos together before switching to wine).

♥georgie♥ said...

LMAO@this entire post,the david lee roth vid and the loverboy vid!!!

I think I may be switchin to scotch!

Frogs in my formula said...

Lindy, I had to look into it after reading your comment. Here's what I found: A normal 1.5 fluid ounce shot of 80 proof vodka contains around 98 calories. About the same as a 4 fluid ounce glass of white wine. Scotch is about 97.5. So just a hair less. And I mean the littlest hair ever.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

AHAHAHAHA! Chuck's a Gigolo...who knew? Oh wait...Linda did! ;)

Can I invite myself over for Sunday dinner one of these days? Pretty Please? Sounds like so much fun! ;)