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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

We're still looking for a mascot

I’m starting a summer camp. Would you like to enroll? You can eat donuts and drink beer and file your nails and pick your nose: anything you want. The name of my camp is Camp Manynutsintree.

Camp Manynutsintree is a camp for sensitive people who overreact when dealing with their families, and by “family” I mean plain ole family, step-relatives, in-laws and long-lost relatives who have no teeth and live in the backwoods of Pennsylvania and who keep writing you letters asking if they can move in with you (everyone has one of those, don’t they?).

You check yourself in; ergo, you must recognize that you are prime Camp Manynutsintree campmeat. Let’s use a hypothetical example to illustrate who might be the ideal camper. Let’s use, ah heck, Chuck’s sister.

Let’s pretend that Chuck keeps calling his sister and inviting her and her children to the house so that Junior might actually be able to hang out with his cousins and not have to be introduced to them every time he sees them like they’re strangers off the street.

And let’s say that when Chuck’s sister keeps declining and using the excuse “I have so many errands to run” he finally asks, “Like what?”

This is where Chuck’s sister hypothetically freaks out and yells, “Are you serious?” and he says, “Yes!” and she makes up a bullshit list of laundry and grocery shopping. Later in this fictitious day, Chuck’s mother calls him and says, “I hear you and your sister had a terrible fight” and Chuck says, “We did?”

Yes, Camp Manynutsintree would be perfect for someone like this. It would also be perfect for someone say, like me, who hypothetically called Chuck’s sister later that make-believe week to see if she was coming to Junior’s birthday party this weekend, then freaked out when she hung up on me. Later in this fictitious day, Chuck called her and said, “I hear you hung up on my wife” and Chuck’s sister said, “I did?”

Turns out she was baking something, dropped the phone when she answered and, not recognizing my work number, decided not to return the call. I mean, ehem, that’s what I’m pretending happened for the sake of this illustrative example.

While enjoying the rolling hills and sparkling lake of Camp Manynutsintree, you’ll view pictures of benign exchanges between relatives. Every time you react with anything other than a forced smile, your buttcheeks will be zapped with non-lethal electrodes. This process facilitates what is known as a “proper conditioned response." It also facilitates minor weight loss.

If you enroll by July 30, you’ll receive the special rate of $49.95 per day. The typical stay is one week, though you can stay for longer if you’d like an extended break from your spouse/children/pets.

Since there’s no money-back guarantee, Camp Manynutsintree provides you with a roll of duct tape and some cement blocks, in case you just want to off your family members instead of turning your oversensitive frown upside-down.

Camp Manynutsintree: If nothing else, your ass will be smaller.

21 comments:

kyooty said...

That price might facilitate the guarenteed purchase of materials. I think it's fair.

Can I come if I bring my own duct tape just incase?

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

Is it that fancy colored duct tape?

blognut said...

Sign me up.

I'd rather deal with your fictitious family than my real one.

And duct tape? Totally!!!

Lindy said...

Where is this camp going to be located? This information will be needed when I plan an impromptu "family vacation."

Anne said...

Dude, sign me up. While I have no relatives (except in-laws and I am too busy trying to avoid them to learn to accept them), I could use a break. Oh wait, do I need a mullet to travel to Mulletville?

Suzi said...

Camp mascot? I think the bare assed monkey/baboon might be appropriate.

Are there discounts if we bring our own cement block, duct tape and throw in some rope?

Nanc Twop said...

A mascot? hm.

I nominate:
Pepito, the frog that -squeaks-. He doesn't make sense, plus it looks like he has nuts for hands (paws?.. whatever) so he can fulfill his frogs&nuts duty.

Run DMT said...

That sounds so lovely. I could totally be your mascot or at least the poster child for Camp Manynutsinatree. Lord knows, my family tree is full of nuts with twisted branches.

Vodka Mom said...

I'm in.

Vodka Mom said...

But I'll bring my own duct tape. I have at least five cases.

Vodka Mom said...

Tightwad can't find me, right?

The Mother said...

Is this camp for grown ups? I mean, can we leave the kids at home and just come visit? If we promise to play nice and smile blandly whenever relative controversy comes up?

(although I would more likely be smiling knowingly).

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO! Count me in...can we drink copious amount of hard liquor as opposed to beer, or is that something we have to supply for ourselves? And if it's the latter, do we get a discount? ;)

Mad Woman said...

I'm in. I can't possibly pass up a deal like that. I'm happy to sign up my father in law as the mascot, unless of course it means I would have to spend more than an hour in his company at any given time.

Frogs in my formula said...

$49.95 gets you unlimited beer and all the duct tape you could possibly want. I'll see if Pepito the frog wants the mascot job.

Otter Thomas said...

Family seems to be at the root of many of my problems. Sometimes I feel like moving to Alaska for some freedom. Maybe camp would be a better option.

Mrsbear said...

Can you guarantee results on the ass shrinkage?

Who am I kidding? Sign me up anyway, I'm always looking for an excuse to off...er I mean escape, my extended family.

Keely said...

I'll just off them first and save myself the cash.

Together We Save said...

I have hot pink duct tape... can I come?

Halala Mama said...

I'm on my way. Sounds like a great break from my own summer camp and I need a smaller butt.

Pricilla said...

A goat is a good mascot. She can butt everyone who gets on your nerves. She can butt anyone who doesn't get on your nerves. She doesn't care if you have a big butt.