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I’m starting a summer camp. Would you like to enroll? You can eat donuts and drink beer and file your nails and pick your nose: anything you want. The name of my camp is Camp Manynutsintree.

Camp Manynutsintree is a camp for sensitive people who overreact when dealing with their families, and by “family” I mean plain ole family, step-relatives, in-laws and long-lost relatives who have no teeth and live in the backwoods of Pennsylvania and who keep writing you letters asking if they can move in with you (everyone has one of those, don’t they?).

You check yourself in; ergo, you must recognize that you are prime Camp Manynutsintree campmeat. Let’s use a hypothetical example to illustrate who might be the ideal camper. Let’s use, ah heck, Chuck’s sister.

Let’s pretend that Chuck keeps calling his sister and inviting her and her children to the house so that Junior might actually be able to hang out with his cousins and not have to be introduced to them every time he sees them like they’re strangers off the street.

And let’s say that when Chuck’s sister keeps declining and using the excuse “I have so many errands to run” he finally asks, “Like what?”

This is where Chuck’s sister hypothetically freaks out and yells, “Are you serious?” and he says, “Yes!” and she makes up a bullshit list of laundry and grocery shopping. Later in this fictitious day, Chuck’s mother calls him and says, “I hear you and your sister had a terrible fight” and Chuck says, “We did?”

Yes, Camp Manynutsintree would be perfect for someone like this. It would also be perfect for someone say, like me, who hypothetically called Chuck’s sister later that make-believe week to see if she was coming to Junior’s birthday party this weekend, then freaked out when she hung up on me. Later in this fictitious day, Chuck called her and said, “I hear you hung up on my wife” and Chuck’s sister said, “I did?”

Turns out she was baking something, dropped the phone when she answered and, not recognizing my work number, decided not to return the call. I mean, ehem, that’s what I’m pretending happened for the sake of this illustrative example.

While enjoying the rolling hills and sparkling lake of Camp Manynutsintree, you’ll view pictures of benign exchanges between relatives. Every time you react with anything other than a forced smile, your buttcheeks will be zapped with non-lethal electrodes. This process facilitates what is known as a “proper conditioned response." It also facilitates minor weight loss.

If you enroll by July 30, you’ll receive the special rate of $49.95 per day. The typical stay is one week, though you can stay for longer if you’d like an extended break from your spouse/children/pets.

Since there’s no money-back guarantee, Camp Manynutsintree provides you with a roll of duct tape and some cement blocks, in case you just want to off your family members instead of turning your oversensitive frown upside-down.

Camp Manynutsintree: If nothing else, your ass will be smaller.