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About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I try so hard to live a virginal life

I Googled NyQuil because I'm sick with a cold—miserably sick!—and that's what came up. Apparently women who abuse NyQuil don't own razors. And they also ask their lovers to snap nude photos of themselves slugging it back.


Anyway, last night, I got nice and doped up on NyQuil myself, but it was much more B rated. I put on my pajamas. Grabbed my lozenges, tissues and July's issue of Glamour magazine. Turned on the TV. Falalala. And omigawd without any warning there was a man having sex with a cow heart that was hooked up to electrodes. He was pumping away! Omigaaaaaaaaawd!

I thought, Surely this must be a joke. Surely the networks wouldn't just air shows like this on normal TV. But no, it was a show called "1000 ways to die." The episode was called "Heart on." (How clever.)

Ok, this is where I grab my voluminous granny underwear and sail them across the sky. What the fuck happened to sitcoms and television shows that provided entertainment without the bloody sadistic bullshit? I am so flippin' tired of turning on the television and seeing someone shot to death or raped or raped and then shot to death. I'm scared to do the click-through at night.


I want the FCC to revamp the system, and I want them to do it now. I even have some ideas. Channels 1-25 can be non-bloody shows. Channel 26 can be bloody shows. Channels 27-29 can be cooking shows. There should be no sports channels. Channels 30-100 can be male improvement shows. The pet people can have channel 101. Oh, and to satiate America's hunger for teen porn, shows like "Smallville" and MTV's "Real World" can have channel 69.

Brilliant, I know.

P.S. In case you missed this month's issue of Glamour and were dying to know the "Real Women's Orgasm Secrets," I'll save you the $3.99. Here are their three steps to an amazing orgasm:

1. Breathe right (i.e., pant like a dog, because nothing's sexier than that)

2. Put a heating pad on your pelvis pre-sex (mmmm, nothing turns men on like a flesh-colored nightie jimmied out of a heating pad) and

3. Straighten your legs as his initial plunge and then move around a lot (I advise yelling, "Geronimo" and then bucking like a bronco with a hot poker in its ass).

Ladies, get busy!


Joanie M said...

OK, I'll be the first to admit, I clicked on the link to see what you were taking about. yuck!!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Morbid curiosity took over and I, too, clicked on the link... Ewwwwwwww! I concur with your assessment of what the channels should be. ;)

And who in the holy hell came up with those orgasm secrets? I like your advice, though...except that it would probably cause hubby to freak out a bit... ;)

Where's our time capsule so we can go back to a 'nicer' place? :)

Keely said...

I'm too lazy and grossed out to click the link. Do they explain how in the hell someone came up with THAT as a good way to die?

Thanks for the orgasm tips. I'm not sure on the heating pad though. Did they miss the part where it's JULY?

blognut said...

Great tips - but I think I'll skip the heating pad.

And the nyquil? Blech.

Mrsbear said...

Heating pads remind me of my grandmother. Way to kill a mood Glamour.

I'm sorry...the guy and the cow heart with the electrodes, deserved whatever he got, and so did the network for airing that particular dramatization.

Feel better and lay off the NyQuil. :)

Julia said...

Taking notes furiously...

maybe not.

mo.stoneskin said...

Your channel revamp idea is perfect.

Jeanne said...

Woman, you should RUN the FCC!

Lindy said...

You're supposed to breathe during sex?

Also, there must be a sports channel.

marybt said...

You think *YOU* got it bad? My husband *loves* that freaking show! Plus, he can't hear, so he has it turned up super loud. It makes my life suck. I think way to die #1001 is some poor woman having her ears raped by the sound of that show!


Baby News said...

Wow! Is that all it takes? How do they sell so many copies? And haven't they (all magazines like that...think Cosmo) been saying the same thing for years? We must be slow learners, I guess. Although, I'll say, the heating pad is something I haven't seen before and something I'll probably pass on.

I didn't click the link....don't want to start my morning with that in my mind! Yuck!

Brandy said...

lol - still laughing. I don't really agree with no sports channels though. but fully agree with some grouping.

Sheila said...

WOW! Don't know where to start! They REALLY AIRED THAT ON TV!?
Anyway - and thanks for the "3" tips!!! I think I've tried 2 of the 3! lol!

Kate said...

No link for me. The mental image I am left with is enough.

Just how much are you supposed to move around? Wiggle your hips? Shimmy from one side of the bed to the other? Run from room corner to room corner? What if he misses his target? It could be quite painful for both parties.

Side note: My husband has a coworker who incessantly talks about inappropriate things. He was telling my hubby that his penis has a "crook" in it from getting injured during sex. He said that he, and I quote, "Made a long stroke with a short spoke," and missed the prize. Ew.

Kate said...

Oh, and I think that you should run the cable companies. You are genius.

kyooty said...

We gave up TV!

Anne said...

Oh my gosh, that is just awful! I couldn't even watch the clip where you linked. Ick, even with a NyQuil buzz. I like your plan but can we take a couple of the male improvement channels and make them cooking shows? I am sure the men wont watch improvement channels anyway.

Frogs in my formula said...

Kate, Glamour said to do figure eights. Even at 34 I think I'd throw out my hip.

Anne, you're right about the male improvement channels. I'll reallocate one to cooking, and heck, throw in another for a 24-hour Hugh Jackman channel.

Suzi said...

How is screwing a cow heart a way to die? There is just something wrong with that. Why would they think this is a great TV show?

Nuts, everyone is nuts.

Orgasm? I love when they tell you what you need in order to get THE orgasm. What is wrong with letting nature take it's course? Are we that lame/dumb that we can't figure it out?

Ms. Salti said...

Seeing how I don't want to be grossed out (and I'm at work) I'm not clicking the link. Your description was enough! I like your idea for channels. I'll back you 100%!

Pricilla said...

Hmmm, not exactly what I wanted to learn as I drank my coffee this morning.

People are just freakin' weird.

Stacie's Madness said...



Mammatalk said...

You are crazy hysterical. I really must visit here more often!!

The Mother said...

Those are some really stupid orgasm secrets.

How about this? If you don't orgasm easily, you and your partner need to talk.

Or is talking beyond the scope of the men who read cosmo?

Sara said...

I think I was told there are eight orgasmic locations. At the time I was in awe that even one existed.

As for the programming, I've never heard of that show. Channel 69 for the teens...ahahahah! But you've got something going there about grouping similar programming together.