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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Sometimes I run to the bathroom afterward and rock myself

When I was in sixth grade, I had a friend named Rachel. Rachel’s mom was a doll fanatic, so Rachel’s bedroom was full of dolls. Like this



And this



Even though Rachel had trouble sleeping at night because hundreds of frozen porcelain faces were staring at her, her mother wouldn’t let her get rid of the dolls. When I slept over, we’d lie in bed and beg the dolls not to kill us in our sleep. If we were feeling particularly brazen we’d huck rolls of toilet paper at them and hope they’d fall behind the dresser. If they didn’t, we’d really freak out because the maimed doll would be staring up at us from the floor like this



And we all know that pissed off dolls can slide across the floor and under the bed and attack you as soon as you close your eyes.

Poor Rachel.

Well, no, poor me. Rachel is now living a happy doll-free existence while I work with…

The Doll Family.

Yes!

Mr. Doll works in the office next to mine. He has pale, transparent white skin and watery blue eyes. His lips are always a little pink. When our paths cross and he looks at me, I flashback to Rachel’s room and see this



Mrs. Doll is a stay-at-home mom to their two children. She visits all the time. She has long, shiny blonde hair and those same freaky eyes. Like this, without the, um, hat or pearl choker



She has a habit of standing in front of their kids, who are eerily quiet, and freezing you mid-step with her doll eye mindmeld. When she finally steps aside so you can greet the children, they stare up at you, like this



I have to refrain from covering my eyes and screeching “No God noooooooooooooo!” I know no one wants her children to elicit that reaction. But one day, so help me, I know it’s going to slip out.

Lately Mrs. Doll has been all, “Don’t you have a two-year-old son? Would you like to do a playdate?”

Inside I’m all I don’t know if I can spend more than two minutes looking at your creepy doll face and scary doll kids what if they eat Junior. Outwardly, I’m all “Suuuuuuuuure. Of cooooooooooourse. Let’s do thaaaaaaaaaaat.” Big nods. Big steps backward.

When I told Chuck about it, he told me I was being ridiculous.

Who me? Ridiculous?

I’ll tell you what: If we do schedule a playdate, I’m bringing my toilet paper.

Happy Fourth of July! May it be filled with fireworks, wieners and quality beer.

And no dolls.

Unless you're into that kind of thing.

33 comments:

The Mother said...

Some of those dolls are creepy.

Lots of people are creepy.

Keely said...

Ugh.

...

...yeah, that's all I have to say about that.

Suzi said...

The one reminds me of Chucky, or maybe it's Chucky's bride. Creepy!

kyooty said...

You know if the faces are that pale maybe Chuck is thinking "more work?"

sarahthings said...

Ick! I had a few of those dolls when I was younger too, and they are freaking creepy. You want them? I think they're still in a box in my old room at my parents house. Totally up for grabs.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Now that is hilarious. I am so sorry that you have to deal with these folks. Learn to say NO! LOL

C.B. Jones said...

Thanks in advance for the nightmares I'll be having tonight. Really do appreciate it.

No, I'm not being the least bit sarcastic. I like having visions of this in my dreams:

(O_0)

Jenni Jiggety said...

I am pretty sure those dolls live under my bed and are going to grab my feet when I get up to pee.

Dugout Daisy said...

HAHAHA! Oh man! Those are freaking CREEPY!
Thanks for this story, I haven't been able to laugh all day at work.
Hope your 4th is pretty awesome too!
;)

Princess Andy said...

i will never ever get over Chuckie.

for realz.

andy

p.s. my dad brought me back a china doll from england when my granddad died. i still keep it in a drawer.

Frogs in my formula said...

SOME of those dolls?? LOL. They all skeeve me!!

Jenera said...

This so reminds me of the terrifying movie from the 80's 'Dolls'. Do you remember that?

Leanne said...

Those dolls are seriously creepy. Seriously. I have two daughters, we have no dolls like this. Feel free to stop by and play anytime.

Kelly's Ideas said...

You totally freaked me out..Now I'm going to go to bed thinking about dolls.... my sister got an Eskimo doll with black glass eyes for my daughter - a couple of nights later my kid asked if she could throw it away - it freaked her... so I'm guessing we have that in common.

Love,
Kelly

Lori said...

God I hate dolls. I had an amputee Barbie as a kid, that was the best--no arms or legs to attack with, it could only roll...

My grandma is a collector of dolls, and has over two hundred and guess who always had to sleep in the doll room?

So it came as no surprise when I saw your pictures and believe that your coworker and family have escaped from my Grandma's collection. Beware! They enjoy leering at you should you nod off!

mo.stoneskin said...

I have to be honest with you. I haven't read the whole post.

Basically, I hate dolls, have hated them sense I was tiny. I used to hide dolls at my friends' houses because their "frozen porcelain faces" staring at me just freaked me out.

As I scrolled down I saw a couple of the evil bastards staring at me!

Arrrrrhgghghghghgh. They're gonna get me some day.

mannequin said...

Hey, we've got doll people in our neighborhood. Mother Mary is like a bobblehead dashboard doll who vacuums her lawn; she's fully automated.

I can't stand people like that glitzy mama doll with plastic kids.

Michel said...

Shit! now I'm scared. Those dolls were really creepy.

I was ALWAYS afraid of that one doll that would open and close her eyes. GEEZUS! Even as a child I would periodically get up to look at her all tucked into the bed by my sister to see if she was staring at us.

I gave her to our dog charlie who (amazingly) chewed her to pieces. Mel was PISSED. but I know I saved her life that day.

Mary Anna said...

I had a friend with a few of those. She would ceremoniously turn them to face the wall at bedtime.

I love the "Seinfeld" episode when George discovers Susan's doll that looks just like his mom - and when Frank destroys it!

Pricilla said...

You need a goat to butt those folk.
Want Abby? I don't....

blognut said...

I SO get this! The dolls creep the hell out of me, too.

Happy 4th!

Anonymous said...

I had a doll once a Great Aunt gave to me. I had it behind a rocking chair so I could never see it. Finally I got rid of the doll by dumping it in a storage room.
In later yrs my parents gave me a smaller doll with brown hair/eyes. At first I didn't mind it but then my imagination got the best of me so I stuffted it in my stuffed animal basket. I kept thinking it would move when I wasn't looking at it. Sometimes I swore it did move.
Which is why I stuffted in my old stuffted animal basket for I weren't have to see it again.
Thank-fully my parents don't remember the doll so I can avoid ackward conversations on the subject.
Dolls are creepy.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

OMG, totally creep-tastic! I had the same problem with clown dolls that my mom had all over my room. I SWORE every night they were going to attack me like in Poltergeist.

I shiver just thinking about it...

Crazy K said...

you are so lucky I take sleep aids regularly, or I would have to hold you responsible for the nights those doll pictures would keep me up.

Sara said...

Dolls are creepy. So you have to work with them, not live with them...that is good. We are at the minimum of dolls around here. My stepmother tried to send home a super creepy doll with me last time I visited. Unfortunately the doll had to stay at my sisters in Texas. I couldn't afford to buy the doll a ticket. (Yes, she was that big)

Susan said...

Oh we'd love to schedule a playdate but our entire family is severely allergic to porcelain and bad taste. Thanks though!

How to Party with an Infant said...

but weiners and dolls go hand in hand.

Elle said...

I hate dolls! I always have. They are super creepy, right up there with clowns. I wouldn't want my kids playing with the doll family either.

marybt said...

It could be worse.

Your dad could have a naked mannequin sporting a holster and pistol in his garage.

Not that mine does or anything ... because that would be weird.

Brandy said...

ugh - my nana kept trying to make me have dolls when I was younger. I was like I don't like dolls. no no no.

Wendi said...

Funny post.
Maybe they're so creepy because they don't have comforting boobs like Barbie?

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Maybe I should be worried...I have about 10 old composition dolls stored under my bed waiting for me to find time (and space) to restore them...wonder if they'll get me in my sleep? I guess I'll be sleeping with a roll of toilet paper on my night stand just in case. ;)

Ms. Salti said...

No, if you schedule a play date, take a camera. I want to see these people!