Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Loose lips sink moldy cubicles (also known as I'm not gone yet)

Do you have a family member or friend or co-worker who is always in the know? And is that person’s tongue so loose you sometimes worry it’ll drop right out of his or her mouth and slither down the street, slapping everything and everyone in its wake with such force, people and objects will be rocketed into outer space?

Yah, me too. Her name is Patty, and she works at my company. She knows—or portends to know—everything about everyone. For this reason, we call her Patty Post.

As fascinating as it is to talk to her (or rather, let her talk at you), I sometimes feel dirty afterward. Dirty as in I ate a bag of Funyuns, washed it down with some Nutter Butters and a liter of Pepsi, then licked a sugar bowl.

Anyway, missing co-worker Georgie Porgie came back yesterday morning and had the nerve to act like nothing had happened. After covering for his ass all week, I felt I deserved an explanation or, at the very least, a fricken thank you.

Nothing.

So while I was in the break room, I casually mentioned to Patty Post that George was back. And I waited.

0.2 seconds later I learned the reason(s) behind George's absence. Apparently, George hasn’t been getting any lovin’ from his wife. For, like, three years. And even though he and his wife have an agreement whereby she declared a complete loss of libido and gave George clearance to go to the “massage” parlor whenever he needed to—no questions asked—George decided to pop in and see his neighbor while his wife was away on business for the week.

Not only did George “see” his neighbor, he also “saw” her husband.

Over, and over, and over.

And over again.

Patty fed me so many scandalous details—weeklong orgy! midnight toga parties! weed and booze!—I upturned the entire bottle of Cremora. The whole time I kept thinking:

a) George and his neighbor and her husband?

b) OMG this explains why I was feeling feisty while sitting in George’s cubicle: all his unrequited lust must have impregnated the stagnant air and attacked my brain

c) George and his neighbor and her husband?

By the time Patty was done, I didn’t know where to put my Cremora. Up my nose? Down my pants? I felt I should do something for dramatic effect.

Whether or not the story is true (and I’ll never know; Patty claims her source was a neighbor of a neighbor of a friend of the husband), a few things are clear:

a) Patty can weave a damn good tale. She should get herself a blog. Or an agent.

b) George may very well be leading an exciting home life. He should get himself a blog. Or an agent.

c) Except for one person—me, hello—George just got a lot more popular with the ladies and the men at my office.

Schwing!

22 comments:

mannequin said...

George and his neighbor and her husband? The same George we know and were so worried about?
Why didn't you mention these lustful feelings you were having in the cubicle?
What is going on over there anyway? Naked pictures and orgies and all this smut talk?

Pricilla said...

Man, you work for a good company. Time off for orgy.

When is your turn?

Keely said...

So he didn't show up or give any indication of whether he WOULD show up because...he was busy getting laid?

Yeah, Patty weaves a good tale (tail?), but I don't know if I buy it. Also, why isn't he fired?

Frogs in my formula said...

Pricilla, this weekend.

Keely, that about sums it up. Pays to be the office pet. If I disappeared for a week? Off with my head. And I dunno, there's a hint of truth in every gossip.

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

Oh my gosh. This has to be the funniest post in history. I cannot believe it. ROFLMAO!

Suzi said...

I didn't realize that you could take personal time for an orgy. No wonder our society is so F'd up!

The neighbor and her husband? Seriously? EEEEWWWW!

Lindy said...

Is this part of the FMLA?

I have not been using that to it's full potential.

Mrsbear said...

!!!!!!! That by far beats any office gossip I've ever heard EVER in my life. Wow. Scandalous. George is quite the slut.

Seriously though, he could've at least called. Feigned explosive diarrhea. Or at least been considerate enough to die like I'd predicted.

Baby News said...

Wow! Had to read that twice. And her HUSBAND! OMG.

Can't possibly be true, can it? :)

Brandy said...

wow! your company sounds SOOOO interesting. whereas mine is not. OMG what if the neighbor's husband is your boss or something?! it's like a soap opera.

The Mother said...

I think this falls not only under "Things you really don't want to know", but also "don't believe everything you hear."

C.B. Jones said...

George's wife is the greatest person who ever lived, mostly because of that agreement.

Choleesa said...

true or not, who cares?? Its a great story, and its great office fodder..... let us know if there are more details that emerge

kyooty said...

or he got "thee" flu?

SLColman said...

OMGosh what a wild tale!!! What a company though leave without notice for a week long orgy and no repercussions!!

Jenni said...

what? he miss work for a week long bisexual orgy?

"Hi, this is George? I won't be in this week because I'm too busy getting laid."

totally awesome.

blognut said...

Well... is he walking funny?

OMG.

OMG.

OMG.

and her husband?

DysFUNctional Mom said...

Wow. I feel so boring.

Kayleen said...

O.M.G... I want to work at your company! I never get to hear gossip like that!

Jeanne said...

Do you live in Holland? Because I wasn't aware we had OTO (orgy time off) in the States....

Stacie's Madness said...

lmfao...shut up. this is so entertaining...and I agree, patty AND george should get a blog.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

Holy cow! So George has a secret side to him, eh? And he didn't get fired after being AWOL for a week?! Maybe his boss is in on the orgy antics... ;)

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