Sunday, August 9, 2009

I lost my blogging mojo so I'm using a poll to distract you

Ok, so the real reason you haven't heard from me for a few days is that Chuck came home from his stupid camping trip on Thursday night, and I just didn't feel like writing anything—mainly because it would have sounded like this:


And that's no fun.

But everything's fine now. Except for one thing.

Do you remember Portrait Painter Man? I met him through work eons ago, and he asked if he could paint my portrait. Stupidly, I said yes. I say stupidly because it’s boring as hell sitting still for hours. Limbs fall asleep. Sometimes I have gas and really need to toot. I’ve been sitting for him for months now.

Also, Portrait Painter Man has horrible, ugly feet like this

and enjoys painting barefoot. As much as I try not to look at them, there they are, like something out of a horror movie. Plus, he likes to talk about his art—yawn—and technique—stretch.

But he’s almost done and I have to say, even though I’m just another lady to join his vast collection, he did capture Mrs. Mullet’s likeness. Except for the enormous fictitious jugs. But I suppose I can let that go.

As we were finishing up Saturday morning, he asked if I would consider posing for another painting.

In the nude.

After I’d regained my composure I said I’d—nervous giggle—think about—nervous snort—it. When I got in the car, I called Chuck: “I'm still mad at you. Can I pose nude for a painting?”

First he replied, “No.” Then, a few seconds later he said, “But if it’s on your to-do list, I won’t stop you.”

Right, because my to-do list looks like this:

1) Learn Italian
2) Get the hell out of Mulletville
3) Experience extreme awkwardness/humiliation posing naked for painting


I contemplated the question the whole ride home. I weighed the reasons to say yes:

Portrait Painter Man is a respectable artist who charges up to $30,000 for his figure paintings. He is well-known and admired. When I’m 80 I can pretend I'm the woman from the Titanic movie. Blah blah bah.

Then I contemplated the reasons to say no: I will have to be naked. He seems to have painted everyone and their mother in the nude. I will have to be naked.

I emailed my friends and asked them if I should do it. Responses ranged from “What is the purpose of the portrait of you nude?” (I’m guessing to see me naked?) to “I probably would do it, it will be cool to see when you’re old and fat.”

Such helpful people, I swear. When I got home, I Googled “reasons to pose nude” and discovered a bevy of helpful sites.

A bevy.

Like, this hilarious article, an anonymous "I Pose Nude" Forum & Chat Board (you know, in case I decide to do it and things go awry), and, probably least helpful, the reasons why Kate Hudson loves to pose for nude photographs.


So, look, I’m on the fence here. I’d be more inclined to do it if Portrait Painter Man didn’t:

a) already have such an extensive collection of paintings of naked women in his studio

b) have such grotesque feet.

But when else will someone ask to paint me nude? This seems like one of those things that only happen once in a lifetime. Then again, so does getting struck by lighting, and no one's lining up for that.

So, fess up: Would you do it? Should I do it? I added a little poll on the side; I’m thinking* that I’ll make my decision based on the results.

*I said thinking.


Keely said...

Wait, you mean bigger jugs than the ones I drew for you??

Do you see any of the 30K yourself? If not, meh. Why bother. Also, if he commands such an audience, all THOSE people are going to see you naked too.

Nanc Twop said...

''Would you do it?''

Yes, if I got my answers to these Qs to him:

Can hubby be here too?
How long will it take?
(1 mo)
What will happen to it?
(gallery, or private collection, or mine - not just left on his wall for his heirs to sell...)
Any compensation for me?
What pose?
(comfy recline)
Can I cover my eyes?

''Should I do it?''

Sure, go for it.
But ask him 2 last Qs:
Do you own opaque socks?
Will you wear them?


Frogs in my formula said...

Oops, I forgot to mention that I'd get $15/hr or to choose a painting of his I like.

Anonymous said...

I'm leaning towards do it, becasue I like all things new and interesting, but I would definitely want to know how long it will take and if wine will be available. Actually, vodka would be in order.

Little Ms Blogger said...

No one would ever ask me to. If I did, I would have to make sure my legs were perfectly shaven every time -- too much work for the end result of me KNOWING I have to lose weight.

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

If I was asked to pose nude, I would have to assume they wanted to post it on just for the shock factor...lmao

Anonymous said...

You should get paid. If not, then tell him you're taking your sweet jugs to Playboy. AND he has to cover those nasty ass feet.

Answer yourself this: Will you regret if you do it? Will you regret it if you don't?

It's a great opportunity. It might be uncomfortable right now, but 30 years from now, I think it will be a great experience to look back on.


Anonymous said...

So, you say you get to pick a piece of his artwork? I'd do it if you can manage to pick the nude painting of you. Unfortunately, he probably doesn't plan on letting you take THAT one.

Since you're considering getting naked for this opportunity, I may as well admit that I am most comfortable naked. I wear clothes every day despite this comfort but I'd do the painting if I were you. You'll probably get to a point where sitting naked with Sasquatch Foot Guy will feel practically normal and it will be awesome when you're an old bag to see a naked portrait of your hot young self.

Take it off!!!

Angel said...

I have to admit even with his horror movie feet, if he answered some of the questions right:

do you get some of the money?

What will happen to the painting?

Personally I would do it. I know that I will never be asked but I would do it. After all chuck said he was okay with it!

Have fun and let us know the outcome!!

Sara said...

The article was great! I think it would be liberating and a nice addition to the Mulletville saga. ;)

Suzi said...

Okay honey, right in the middle of having my cereal I come across those nasty ass feet. Was ready to up chuck my breakfast. Not a nice thing to see while eating breakfast. Had to scroll really fast to get beyond them and finish reading.

Personally? I wouldn't do it. Hubby would shit a brick if I considered doing it and would probably send me packing if I did do it.

As for you? If Chuck is fine with it and you're comfortable doing it then go for it. Remember how may people may see you naked. Think of how many people you may know that will see you naked.

Pricilla said...

Consider the irony of Junior browsing an art gallery and purchasing said nude.......

Ms. Salti said...

Yeah, I don't know about that one. Especially if he comes toward you with those feet and you're naked, you'd have nightmares for the rest of your life!

Anne said...

While your commenters had some valid points, I say go for it. It may just be jealousy that no one would ever ask me to pose nude (sadly, I have passed that point of my life). I think it would be a great experience and definitely something cool to have happen. On the other hand $15/hr is not a lot of money, so don't do it for the cash.

C.B. Jones said...

I think you should go ahead and do it. If only because I threw up in my mouth a little bit when seeing that picture, and still managed to finish reading the post.

Otherwise, I would have voted that I didn't really care(which would have been a lie, because I tend to care about all women when they are nude.)

Sheila said...

NO WAY, man!!! What if your kids find that painting someday!? OH NO HOW NO WAY!!! I don't even want to look at me nude, why would someone else!? LOL! :) Just my opinion.

mo.stoneskin said...

Wait a second, aren't those my granddad's feet? Are we related?

Lindy said...

Like nude, nude or like nude with a stategically placed cloth?

What if you liked your own painting enough to pick it over getting paid, then you have nothing to show for your bravery except a naked picture you could totally use against your child in the future.....yes! future blackmail!!!!!

- how clever was that using my blog name in your comment section? Totally clever.

Stacie's Madness said...

I would...depending on the pose.

The Mother said...

Sure. We worry too much about nudity in this country. Go, get the painting, surprise hubby. Wait, probably not in that order.

Anonymous said...

If you're getting paid for lounging buck necked, wouldn't that mean that
mean that you truly were a part of the community after all? Isn't that what all the gals do there? And don't all their men have chicken feet? I think so.

Dto3 said...

Man, I wish I were Portrait Painter Man (well, except for those feet, that is)!

Mrsbear said...

If it's uncomfortable sitting for a portrait, just think about how you'd feel in the buff. I would imagine holding in a fart would be that much tougher. I personally wouldn't be crazy about a naked me painting floating around, although it is a heck of a compliment.

Catutes said...

Does the thought of the Mulletville population seeing you naked in the next gallery showing disturb you?

When your naked likeness shows up in some art catalog, hardcopy or online verion, will it freak you out?

If the answer is no, then go for it!

Get the cash up front and make him cover his creepy ass hobbit feet.

Some guy once asked me to pose nude for artistic photo's, but he was just some creepy camera store clerk who drank too much.

Jenni said...

there is a zero percent chance i would ever pose nude for anyone.

but you should totally do it.

Anonymous said...

I think I'd be more hesitant if he didn't already have a ton of nude portraits, it gives me a sense that he's actually interested in form and making a serious study - rather than trying to lure you to drop trou and maybe then you could make out. It really sounds like a good opportunity, but only if you're sure you'd be comfortable with it. Good luck deciding! Do you have a deadline to let him know?

Julia said...

Just do it!

Leanne said...

I wish I would. But I wouldn't. I know it makes no sense...sigh.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I'd do it if I were you - and got the answers to Nanc Twop's questions... ;)

Lindy said...

Hi. Okay, I know I already commented on this post but I wanted you to know that you are going to need to post something else soon. I'm sick of seeing these feet in my reader. mkay? :)

Staci said...

Um, probably not, unless Hairy Feet Guy turned out to be Hugh Hefner. At least then, I would know he's legit and not some loony who plans on turning me into a snuff film, which is the real reason his paintings go for $30,000 (the DVD is taped to the back).

Even then, I think I would have to get a percentage, go on a crash diet, get every inch of me waxed and spray tanned, and then get it in writing that Mr. Hairy Feet will make me look better than I really do. Too much hassle.

If you decide to do it, you might want to hide a taser gun where the sun doesn't shine just to be safe (or will it shine on it now). Just don't sit too hard, or you're liable to taser yourself.

Grand Pooba said...

Would I do it? Probably not, first of all my husband would kill me. Second of all I'm not goin near those feet!

Dto3 said...

Seriously, you've got to post something else. I have a thumbnail of your post on the front page of my blog and those nappy feet make me throw up a little each time I open my own web page!

Jeanne said...

Okay, I know the survey is over, but I have a question that I feel you need to consider: How will your mother feel about it?

I ask this as a woman who once attended an art show featuring all nudes of my 25-year-old daughter. The paintings were gorgeous, but it's still on my Top 10 Most Uncomfortable Things I've Ever Done list.

kyooty said...

I couldn't do it.

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