Wednesday, August 5, 2009

When the hub’s away, Mrs. Mullet will...freak out in the shower

When I was in college, my mother had a dinner party. I had gone home for the weekend and was in bed early with a fever (don’t you love when college kids bring their foreign germs home and infect the household?). Around 11 p.m. I walked into the living room, sat on my mother’s friend’s lap and tried to pull the curtain off the rod so I could use it as a blanket.

According to mother, I turned to Mrs. Mattie (the woman whose lap I’d chosen) and said, “There’s a tick in my bed.”

And so begins the sleepwalking phase of Mrs. Mullet's life.

I don’t think it has anything to do with the fever; I think it’s genetic. My dad used to move furniture in his sleep. I’ve never rearranged the living room, but I have walked dorm and apartment hallways and for some reason, I have always tried to sit on my roommates while they’re sleeping and tell them about insects and/or animals in my bed and/or room.

They loved me.

The idea of sleepwalking seems funny, but it actually sucks to wake up and not know where the hell you are or what you're doing. It also sucks to have someone say, “Do you know what you did last night?"

If I’m going to do something remarkable in my bed, I’d like to remember it.

Anyway. Last night.

I awoke as I was about to climb into the shower. The light was off. I was holding a can of Diet Coke. It was 3:45.

Over breakfast, I stupidly opened my mouth and told my mother (she spent the night since Chuck's—still—away). All day, she called me at work. Why now? Why Diet Coke? Why when she's here? (Gee, I don't know, could the stress of working full-time, watching a bipolar toddler and having my mother at my house for the last few days somehow spur my subconscious into overdrive? Could it be?)


I actually think it's this:

It's one of those Top 1o tricks to frizz-free hair thingamabobs and it says to pour dark beer over your head.

Except we don't have any. (Doesn't that seem unnecessarily cruel, given my current circumstances?) All month I've been thinking I'm going to pour the damn beer over my head once and for all and blog about it and share my findings with the world!

In its own special way, my darling subconscious must have tried to cross off one of the items on my to-do list.


Now, sadly, instead of insider frizz information, all I can offer is an unsexy sleepwalking shower story involving Diet Coke and a comatose mother. Yah, sorry about that. Tomorrow I'll, you know, make up a shower story involving musk-scented bath gel and three 25-year-old gymnasts, ok? Oh, and dark beer.

This is my fourth and last installment of "When the hub’s away, Mrs. Mullet will..." series, which will chronicle my adventures while my good-for-nothing husband frolics in the woods all week.


Anonymous said...

Sorry you didn't bring the frizz-free tales to the table but I am still laughing...getting into the shower, a can of diet coke, 3:45.

That would suck but hearing about it without experiencing it is sheer, laugh-out-loud, stick a feather in my ass funny!

Kick Chuck in the nuts when he gets home...then you will be on more even footing after the week you've had.

Ashlee said...

That would definitely freak me out. My brother sleep walks, bad! He thinks someone is getting him and he starts yelling and screaming and running for the door to go outside(maybe he thinks that the "thing" won't chase him outside). It gets funnier the older he gets...he's almost 18 and he still sometimes whines and cries.

The Mother said...

I guess dark beer is better than mayo, which is what I always heard for frizzy hair. Never was sure how you were supposed to get it back out.

blognut said...

Remember years back when there used to be a shampoo called Body On Tap? It had beer in it, but it smelled like ass.

Stacie said...

Okay, I think Mr. Mullet needs to come from wherever he is.

Sleepwalking would scare me. My step-sister would sleep walk when she would get sick. A few times she managed to make her way across the house into my parent's room and pull their comforter off of them and take it back to our room.

Dto3 said...

The last time I sleep-walked I wound up in bed with my father-in-law. That cured me!

Julia said...

I have straight hair. Ruler straight basically. So what's up with wanting straight hair. I'd like a little curl please. I guess I am not really qualified to comment about friz though. Tell your mom she need not buy any beer since it may lead to more nighttime frolicking...that you cant remember.

Lindy said...

That is a waste of some damn good Diet Coke. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Seriously though - I commend you - with all that you are doing AND your mother is in town...I'd say waking up in the middle of the night, heading into the shower is the least of your worries.

erin said...

I punched my ex husband in the face while I was sleeping once.

I also wound up waking up in my parents closet all the time from sleepwalking when I was a kid.

I haven't in about four years though. Finally cured. *KNOCK ON WOOD*

Brandy said...

i'm sorry but it's SO funny. esp since it's not me. i mean sorry.

Ms. Salti said...

Sleepwalking cracks me up. I think I did it when I was little. My BFF's little boy woke up the other day from a nap and said, "I bought the ding-dongs," and went back to sleep... crazy kid!

Sheila said...

LOL! This is freaking hilarious!!! Thanks for brightening my day! :)

Pricilla said...

Do you get a week off to frolic in the woods now?

I think you should

Anonymous said...

Send mama for beer and prozac.
Whooo hooo...I can't wait for the return of Mr. Mullet. Now remember, you TOLD him to go. Of course, we know you didn't mean it but did he?

Grand Pooba said...

You're crackin me up woman! I don't blame you, if I did something spectacular (especially in bed) I'd wanna remember it too!

Seriously, a diet coke? In the shower? I would have loved to be your roommate in college!

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I wonder if you tried flat diet coke since you don't have any know, no fizz, no frizz sorta thing. Maybe your subconscious is onto something! ;)

And yes, not having beer in the house does seem unnecessarily cruel given the circumstances of your week. ;)

Keely said...

Soooo...Diet Coke, not so much with the de-frizzing? Good to know. Because I was wondering.

Anne said...

Mrs. Mullet, you left out the most important information of all, does Diet Coke defrizz? Inquiring minds want to know.

Susan said...

I find that sleepwalking stuff fascinating. My oldest does it rarely - we've caught him sitting in a warm bath in his underwear completely sound asleep!

Great story!

Jeanne said...

So sweet that you and Mom are getting some bonding time. (I suspect sleepwalking is the least of what my daughter would do if I came for a week -- sleep-homicide would be more like it.)

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