George—the man who has been missing from my company all week—is still missing, so I sat in his stinky manspace all morning trying to help his team streamline their workload. Our company is broken into teams, which are really catty little bitchhoods comprised of a whiner, a slacker, a token hot person, a token weird person, and someone obsessed with finding or providing snacks.
To spearhead someone else’s team is not only impossible, it sucks monkey balls sprinkled with cow dung.
Where the fuck is George?
Some of George’s friends have called his house and cell phone. No answer. Someone else did a drive-by. Nothing. I don’t know George well, but his team doesn’t seem too concerned so either:
a) He is dead and no one cares or
b) His team killed him and they’re doing a bad job of hiding their ambivalence
Sitting at someone else’s cubicle is weird, especially when you are used to having an office with a door that closes and locks—and especially when the person whose workspace you are inhabiting may have been eaten by an alligator or engulfed by an oversized mullet. I may have actually befriended the mold; in a sea of gray boxes, it’s a nice reminder that the natural world still exists.
Where the fuck is George?
Although…
Don't tell anyone: George’s cubicle is carpeted in gray, well, carpet and being around all the carpet has actually made me kind of randy. I think it’s the subliminal reminder that at any moment I could be lying on the ground, you know, doing it. Or it’s the 3.3 pounds I’ve lost. Or maybe the mold spores have infiltrated my hypothalamus.
Or, most likely, it’s the token hot person three cubes over.
Speaking of lying down without clothes on, I realize I made a major faux pas. According to the "Should Mrs. Mullet get negged [for Portrait Painter Man]?" poll, there are still two days left to vote. Since I said I’d make my decision based on the results, I can't possibly jump the gun and make a decision now.
Whatever was I thinking?
22 comments:
A Conspiracy in Mulletville! I love it! :) Well, except that you're having to pick up the slack...but wait, now you're talking about 'doing it' on the man-smelling moldy cubicle's floor? Are you sure it's mold and not some hallucinogenic? ;) Or maybe it's the token hot person three cubes over... Oh, and 'Bless You Forever' for the sneezing... :)
It blows when you have to go and do someone else's work.
*sigh*
I hope they find George soon. Alive.
I voted "No" to the negged poll out of deference to Chuck. But now that you've lost that 3.3 pounds, I'm thinking of changing my vote. Nothing spells H-O-T like a 3.3 lb. lighter Mrs. Mullet on gray carpet - Ay-chihuahua!
Oooooo...I just love murder shows. And it's always a place like Mulletville that winds up on TV. When I see you on 48 Hours Mystery, I will tell everyone I follow your blog and how you knew he was dead WAY before anyone else.
And if the carpet is making you hot, it's some sort of static electricity reacting with your pubic hair. Time to shave.
I think you may be able to voice your decision now. Especially since naked Frog Mom seems to be the primary vote getter.
another great cliff hanger mrs mullet style.
I think though the mold is getting to your brain! burn that carpet!
Really? No one knows where this guy is? How bizarre.
Btw, love the description of the team you're managing.
I'm seriously concerned about George now... although I'm laughing at his team's ambivalence. I read this post like 5 minutes ago and now I can't remember any of the witty comments I was going to leave you.
OK, now I am worried. George!
I don't want to think this but I am. You know, you WERE kinda quick to jump in poor old George's cubicle.
And you DO seem to be enjoying the paddedness of his cubicle an awful lot. An obscenely awful lot maybe.
Here you are worrying about posing necked and Lord knows where poor George is. I feel sorry for him and want him back. I'm sorry I ever got mixed up in this tawdry office affair.
Perhaps Portait Man could paint you sprawled across George's desk -- an create a permanent aphrodisiac for you and Chuck.
My guess on George?
It was Mrs. Mullet, in the cubicle, with the stapler or leadpipe...whatever.
I don't know if your serious or not. Wow...a missing guy that no one seems to care about. That's some freaky, only-in-mulletville type of stuff.....
Resist the carpet...burns aren't fun! :)
I suppose the intrigue is somewhat overshadowed by the fact that you're doing someone else's work and eating his mold. I think he's dead. Don't have sex on the carpet, it's where the mold resides, along with whatever secretions George left behind. Blech.
For the record, I hope George isn't dead, just frolicking in Argentina with a mistress.
But for the record, I'm assuming he's dead.
That's kind of weird that nobody knows where your dude is. I would want people to try to find me if I was missing.
and you're just being mean now.
I wish someone in our office was obsessed with getting snacks. But, alas, I work with all men so no snacks for Mary. Sigh.
My neighbor works in a dentists' office. They're always taking food to work. How hard is it to become a dentist? If teeth didn't gross me out, I might consider it. Of course, if I could be guaranteed one of her famous Twinkie cakes every week, I might consider it anyway.
Whoa. I think I just took free association to a whole new level. Don't mind me, I'm just hungry.
Oh George. That happened to a girl at my work too and people drove by her house and she was there, but she just stopped coming to work. So they hired someone else.
weird
They did a drive by? How is that going to encourage the guy to get back to work? if anything, it'll encourage him to hire a goon squad to retaliate.
I'm voting on the mold spores. I understand they can really muck with you.
I was doing some wood chipping yesterday and got all sorts of stuff up my nose. But I was too tired to do squat about it that night.
I am so distracted by the idea of lying on carpet to do it, that I have no idea what the post was actually about.
I love carpet.
Heh.
I hope george is found and fast...the whole carpet and feeling randy thing is scarying(is too a word) me
haha omg the carpet and george! funny shit! great blog! :)
3.3 pounds? That's great!! I think George took them with him when he vanished, so it might be best if he stayed gone, unless you'd like them back.
Stinky man space...why do they always smell?
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