Sunday, April 12, 2009

This post is possessed. It published itself twice before I was ready and now I'm just annoyed

Something completely unexpected and not all premeditated happened yesterday. I was in the kitchen churning butter when Chuck (aka the Butt Patient) walked in.

“Oh, good, you’re finally up and walking,” I said. “Maybe you’d like to wash some dishes. Or vacuum. Or do some laundry. Mop the floor. Sweep. Take out the trash. Fold socks. Bleach towels. Shovel. Rake. Bake. Grocery shop. Iron my tunic. Comb my hair. Bathe Junior. Feed the cats. Weed. Dust. Unload the dishwasher. File my bunions. Do anything other than clench your behind and wail “oooooh, my ass’.”

Chuck cheerfully said, “No thanks,” and then, “I think I need to go lie down again.”

What happened next is clear as day. I grabbed the churner handle mabob and whacked Chuck over the head.

So now I’m single.

That’s right, my peaches, Mrs. Mullet is back on the market.

Since it’s been awhile since I’ve advertised my treats, I’m a little rusty. But thank God I kept this from eighth grade.

Look at all the hunks I’ll be able to land (hey, I’m a Cougar now so those strapping young lads are super dreamy!)

This man-catching bible is chocked full of answers to girls’ most important questions, like whether or not boys want you to have a great body. (The answer is no—mmmhhmmm—“but if you’re overweight and unhappy, dieting is the answer [and] if you feel you’re too skinny, obviously you’re not eating enough.”)

So that’s why I’m only 55 pounds! I keep wearing the baby back ribs instead of putting them in my mouth.

The Get Him System (TGHS) covers everything, from the importance of good hygiene to the fact that guys who only have one thing on their minds are called “users” (weird, I always knew them as just plain old guys.)

It’s my lucky day that the TGHS talks about intimacy issues, because I’ve been a one-man woman for almost a decade. So I jumped right to the kissing chapter, specifically “Should I wait until a guy kisses me or can I kiss him first?”

This is crucial knowledge here; I always see men I’d like to kiss and until now I’ve restrained myself. But did you know that if you want to kiss someone, not only can you kiss him first, you should take advantage of “kissing freebees” like Christmas and New Years Eve? Yup, even birthday parties are a great time for proactive kissing! As long as after you French kiss everyone you explain that “today is a kissing freebee.”

Gold. Pure gold.

Speaking of swapping spit, I was dying to know if making out is a big part of going out, since the last time I actually made out with someone was in 1989, and even then it may have been with a stuffed animal. Well, according to TGHS, if making out is a big part of going out to you “then that’s all that counts.”

Eureka! If this isn’t the green light to set up shop on a street corner and be the biggest slutbag there is, I don’t know what is. Color me Chlamydia!

Aren’t you jealous you don’t have a book like this?

I was just about to wash my hair (guys like clean, fresh-smelling hair), eat something, put some emotion in my eyes (girls’ eyes are more attractive when they’re expressive) and stop flaunting my killer gams (guys don’t like girls who strut) when Chuck came to.

He was so relieved to be alive that he sorted the whites and now we’re in love again (I guess the book is right when it says that patience, forgiveness, compromise and shared household duties—I mean, respect—keep the romance alive.) I even took advantage of the fact that today is Easter and therefore a kissing freebee and manhandled him a little.

Thank you, TGHS! Thank you for saving my marriage.

As a parting note, I’ll leave you with what is perhaps the most important—and grossly reiterated—pearl of wisdom from the TGHS bible: “Looks don’t really matter to guys. All that really matters is whether or not you’re happy with yourself.”

Ah, shit, that’s funny.

My friend and I bought the TGHS in eighth grade from the back of Seventeen Magazine. Tune in next time for great advice from its paperback companion, Secrets of Great Kissers.


Jenners said...

I must have this book right now! Reminds me of the preganancy book from the 1940s that my friends found at a garage sale that talked about meeting your man at the door in full make-up, dressed up and with a martini so he can relax while you cook dinner. And it was OK to smoke while pregnant. And they gave instructions for giving yourself an enema with household soap. Classic stuff! Gotta love those dated advice books!

Glad your marriage is saved.

blognut said...

I remember seeing something like this way back when I cared what men thought! Now I know that they mostly don't think at all, so I don't worry about it too much.

The Mother said...

I am SO glad that you didn't kill Chuck. I've considered it more times than I can possibly say, but the thing that keeps stopping me is the voice going around in my head, "God, you'd have to train ANOTHER one!"

SO not worth it.

FoN said...

Wow, it's a good thing you had this book. I'm going to go find it on the internet and give it to my teenage daughter. I'm just supportive like that.

Keely said...

Chuck must take the mini-comas in stride now, hey? Good thing they were fixing his butt and not his head, you might have been incriminated.

I remember reading those advice things. They made about as much sense as advice does NOW.

Suzi said...

Happy to see you and Chuck have salvaged your marriage. Happy Easter.

Musings of the Mrs. said...

Guys like girls that smell good? Weird.

I was a big fan of The Rules when I was dating. I didn't follow them, but just knowing they existed gave me comfort.

Delia said...

Thank goodness, for Chuck, that you still have this book! When you're finished with it, can I borrow it?

Ter said...

hi I popped over from Jenners' blog and thought I'd say hi. I think everyone could use a book like that.

Roshni said...

how annoying that he came to! I was so excited about being able to relive my fantasies via your exploits with the opposite sex!
hmmmph! Next time, I guess!

Stephanie said...

OMGosh!! So funny!!

HeatherPride said...

So many shades of fabulous, I can't even begin to count. But I believe I'll start with the photo on that book cover. Awesome.

Banteringblonde said...

I'm cracking up! I love it, thanks for the tip on the "freebie kisses"!

Gina said...

What a coincidence - I'm single now, too. It happened right after I spent HOURS doing taxes while my husband spent those same hours screwing around with his ipod, and then he acted completely put-upon when i asked him to carry our sleeping daughter into bed so i could finish them. Oh -and at pone point during this time, he needed my help and asked if I "couldn't just tear myself away from that laptop for a minute" when I expressed frustration.

Yeah - he's a gem.

Frogs in my formula said...

Gina, I read your comment fast and saw "screwing around" and thought OMG noooooo. Was happy to reread and see you were talking about his ipod. I need to get out of the gutter (not likely).

Fragrant Liar said...

Okay, your blog name brought me over here (after you left it at my place), and I was so glad it did. I love your sense of humor, and glad Chuck survived. I'll be back for more!

the mama bird diaries said...

I love the Get Him system. That is just hilarious.

Mrsbear said...

OMG I actually had one of those, me and three of my most awkward single girlfriends chipped in for one circa the late 80s. Sadly I don't think any of us managed to actually "get him" until long after our paperback copy had been shit-canned. Glad Chuck regained consciousness and sorted some laundry. He's a keeper.

Jen said...

I so wish I had this book when I was a teen. It's good to know about the kissing freebees, I think I'll head on out and just start kissing guys. Does it matter how old they are?

Elle said...

Glad that little book saved your marriage. It sounds like it's chock full of advice on how to land a guy who still wears a Members Only jacket.

Dugout Daisy said...

What a great book! I hope itz still around, maybe it will get me out of my dating rut!

Sometimes, husbands CAN get it

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