ABOUT ME

About me: My husband Chuck, our six-year-old Junior, our three-year-old Everette and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

The world is a cruel, cruel place and other neck brace reflections

1. Everyone looks at you funny and snickers when you’re wearing a neck brace. Everyone. Even if you don’t catch them doing it, you know they are because you would too.

2. Even if you know it’s not true, in your mind you look like this:



3. Nothing really goes with a neck brace. Not a tank top or blouse or cute dress. Your best bet is a potato sack, Jackie O sunglasses and a wig.

4. Even if you don’t normally have a double chin, you are now the proud owner of one.

5. If you sunburn easily and you forget to apply sunscreen and spend the day outside, when you take off your clothes that night you will look like a barber’s pole.

6. If you eat dinner outside and spray yourself down with bug spray, your neck brace will stink like it into the wee hours of the morning.

7. If your chiropractor is friends with your boss and casually mentions to your boss that he gave you a neck brace to wear until Tuesday, you cannot leave the neck brace at home Monday morning because your boss will call your chiropractor and tattle.

8. No one will offer to autograph your neck brace; it’s not a badge of bravery, it’s a donut of displeasure.

9. Your husband will probably tell you he’s “never done it with a chick wearing a neck brace.” Even if this is true, neither of you will act on it.

10. Your loving friends will ask you to send pictures of you in your neck brace so they can laugh at you. You’ll post one on your blog instead because you’re headless and appear more buxom than usual.



Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a bag of frozen string beans and a muscle relaxer.

25 comments:

Denise @ Sunflowers, Chocolate and Little Boys said...

that must suck. sorry.

Suzi said...

This too shall pass. ;-(

The Mother said...

I still think you should try the Elizabethan ruff thing. It's gotta be better than getting laughed at.

(Okay, you'd probably still get laughed at. But you'd be laughing, too.)

mo.stoneskin said...

You poor thing, hope it is sorted out quickly!

Lindy said...

I'm sorry for the "look like I'm ready to sue someone" look. :)

Sapphire said...

I'm with the Mother. Throw an Elizabethan ruff on.
OR go in the complete opposite direction and....
Paint your neck brace to look like a big gold chain, buy yourself some rapper clothes and pretend to be the hottest new rapper chick!

blognut said...

I will totally sign your neck brace!

Frogs in my formula said...

Thank you all for your condolences. It'll be over soon but in the meantime I am really tempted to try the big gold chain trompe l'oeil. Like, I'm thinking about where I can buy neck brace paint.

Jeanne said...

At my younger sister's bachelorette party there was this guy in a neck brace (the full metal jacket kind). I danced with him and he DIPPED! It was so cool. Until later in the evening, when he tried it with a full-figured girl and dropped her like a 200-pound rock....

Denise said...

Awww I hope you feel better soon! LOL at the barber pole.

kyooty said...

I raise my caffiene free diet cola to you for wearing the brace!!!

Mary Anna said...

Have I shared with you the story about my neck brace? I was a freshman in college, still living at home, and was injured while covering a pep rally for a local newspaper. My fam went on vacation and left me at home (since I couldn't really enjoy Disney in my current state!). Oh yeah - I had one of those mega plastic jobbies and couldn't drive. Luckily a guy I knew took pitty on me and drove me back and forth to school. The neighbor would come by with dinner.

Yeah, it sucked.

Mary Anna said...

Oh, and I'd totally sign your neck brace. You should walk around with a Sharpie and ask people if they want to!

Peggy said...

How about a little bow tie pinned yo your neck brace...fancy!

I feel your pain! Years ago, I had to wear one for about three months! after a car accident! Totally sucked!

Hope you're well soon!

GreenJello said...

I swear, you could be on your death bed, and hubby would say, "I've never done it with a chick who was dying."

Ha!

Mrs. C. said...

Have you got some really good stories made up about what happened for people who ask? Like "I was skiing a double black diamond trail.." or "I leaped in front of a bus to rescue three deaf nuns.." or "I was working the pole for $100 tips and lost my balance on the swing and fell into Jason Statham's lap..."

Feel better!

Lisa N. said...

She TOLD on you?? I wish you were making that up, but I know you're not. Honestly.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

donut of displeasure!! HAHAHAHAHA!!

Kate said...

Wow! You make neck braces look HOT!! Donut of displeasure? You are both clever and funny, you fat-necked freak. (Did I just say that out loud? Whoops.)

outnumberedtwotoone said...

I hear neck braces are all the rage in Europe? Hope your neck recovers soon, nothing worse than a stinky, double chinned, barber's pole. :(

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

I'd totally sign your neck brace...you could start a new fad! ;) Hope your neck feels better soon! :)

FoN said...

Wow - that sucks. And there isn't even anyone you can sue.

SLColman said...

That totally has to suck :(

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