Until today, I’d only come to close to dying once before, when I choked on a chicken finger at a pool bar. I don’t know if you’ve ever choked at a dive bar; if not, I don’t recommend it. Even though you’re flailing your arms and hopping up and down, no one really cares. People would rather take their pool shots.
As I was choking, I rushed over to a friendly looking biker man and mouthed “eeellppp me!” He grabbed me in a reverse bearhug and tried to make a milkshake out of me, at which point I elbowed him; then he dropped me. Thankfully a woman who happened to be a nurse came to my rescue. The whole time I was thinking, a fucking chicken finger is the cause of my demise? I’d settle for asphyxiation from ogling Hugh Jackman while hanging from a rope hanging from a helicopter while flying above his mansion. But choking on a chicken finger at the Lakeview Tavern? No.
Fast forward to this morning. At 6:30 a.m. I’d gathered my unwashed hair into a mound on the top of my head and shoved 20 bobby pins into it without the visual aid of a mirror. I didn’t think anything of it until I started getting strange looks in the hallway at work. When I went to the bathroom to examine my head, I realized I was sporting...a hair beret.
So I began the task of removing bobby pins and stuffing them between my clenched teeth (I wasn’t going to rest them on the germ-encrusted sink). I was halfway through when my friend, Ellen, walked in. She’s one of the few people I actually like at work, so I eagerly greeted her by grunting “ello.”
And by inhaling several bobby pins.
And a few strands of hair.
Of course, I immediately started gagging and drooling and coughing. I couldn’t breathe. I panicked. Ellen rushed over, cranked open my mouth, hooked her finger around my tongue and pulled out the bobby pins. Then she shook me by the shoulders and called me an asshole for scaring her before she'd had a chance to caffeinate.
When I got back to my desk, I emailed Ellen my profuse thanks for saving my life. She wrote back, “I’ll never use a bobby pin again. And what the hell is going on? I had to reach down my grandson’s throat this weekend to get a chicken finger.”
If I wasn’t sure life had a twisted sense of humor, I sure as fuck know now.
32 comments:
OMG. If that story wasn't so scary it'd be funny.
Hmmm
Okay, it's funny. Sorry.
Oh. And stop putting weird stuff in your mouth. Ahem.
I didn't realize chickens had fingers. I should go out to mine and check them out.
Didn't your mom teach you about putting foreign objects in your mouth?
His future is mapped out for him -- he'll soon graduate from chicken fingers to bobby pins. And, he appears to be on the fast track!
Ah, the Circle of Life.
Or Death. Or near-Death.
Whatever.
Sorry, I laughed really hard. I'm sure if you had died I would have felt like a part of ME died, since we're living parallel lives and stuff, but it was still funny.
glad you survived to tell us about it! funny "weird, not funny hahah" how things like this make for great blogging stories. did you hear about my Deer that wiped snot on my van on the trans canada highway?
Chicken fingers? Are those unique to Mulletville? Are they like boneless wings?
As for Hugh Jackman's chicken finger...I'd have that caught in my throat anytime, speaking of which I just finished a post with him in it.
I'm glad your friend Ellen was there. I work with a bunch of men, none of whom have chicken fingers I want to suck by the way, if I was in the bathroom in need of the Heimlich I'd be SOL.
I don't want to laugh, really, but I can't help it.
I am only laughing because you gave permission.
Glad that you're okay! Geesh! I wonder about life's sense of humor too sometimes...
I've never had a choking incident, but I'm paranoid about Katie choking. Every little cough and my heart starts racing. My cat swallowed a needle once... She was lucky--I just pulled on the thread that was left sticking out of her mouth--voila. She survived, too. :)
I miss stopping by--I'll be back!
I am so sorry but this story is hilarious! Only you could choke on hairpins. I mean that nicely, you know, you make into a funny story. I would sound like a nut retelling it.
Yeah, I laughed! I would've been terrified if I had been there, but it is kind of funny now since we know you lived!
it's always funny AFTER the thing is over. you will have to be more careful cause we know there are more good blogs in you.
You are SO damn funny. Great story.
I think it is time to cut all your hair off and live like a monk. Really. Bobby pins could probably be used to hijack an airplane. Aren't they on the no fly list. Anyhooooo just think about it. I will be looking forward to your I am bald post.
I am glad you did not die though. I need your good reading material!
Of course karma has a sense of humor. How the hell do you think SEX happened?
mmmpphhh! Sorry! I WASN'T laughing! I swear!!
I know a guy who choked to death at a dive bar. He had entered a chicken wing eating contest at this dump, and half way through the contest he got a bone stuck and started choking. No one figured out he was actually choking to death until he actually did choke to death. True story. He was an abusive asshole, so it's not really all bad.
Were you sporting a hair beret when you choked on the chicken finger? If so there's your connection!
OMG the morons at my local trailer trash bar that I love so dearly wouldn't have a clue what to do. They'd probably just think I was dancing.
Yikes. I tend to just laugh at my friends when they're choking.
In high school, a friend and I had this idea that she was going to 'fake-choke' at Taco Bell and I was going to 'fake-save-her-life-via-the-heimlich-maneuver' so we'd get our pictures in the paper. We thought it would be hilarious because she's like a foot taller than me.
And why no pic of the hair beret?
Also, thanks again for the awesome guest post!!!
No chicken fingers for me today.
Glad you came out of that ok!
I didn't laugh -- but then I recently wrote about that safety pin.
Next time you have to put something down in a ladies room, you set down a couple of paper towels first -- or carry your own if you must. (Of course, you could have cleaned the sink with a little Purell, if you had some.)
I live with a germophobe. You don't ever put non-food in your mouth!
Twisted sense of humor is right.
I'm glad you're ok!
Did she at least use hand sanitizer before jabbing her hands down your mouth?? You could totally sue for that....
Glad you're alive!
I nearly choked on a Frito a few months back. It's a scary thing. I am a little afraid of chicken fingers now too.
Please take a few minutes learn how to Heimlich yourself.
http://www.heimlichinstitute.org/page.php?id=34
Please note that I would LOVE to take credit for those self-Heimlich illustrations!
Yeah, she died yesterday.
Oh, how did she die?
She swallowed some 'bobby pins'.
Damn. I think I'll avoid bobby pins AND chicken fingers henceforth.
I kind of laughed, but now I'm all choked up.
heh
OMG that was just too funny...so much so I was sitting here laughing out loud so of course I had to read it to my hubby...
Note to self: if ever the opportunity comes up to meet Frogs in real life, let it be far, far away from chicken fingers and bobby pins. ;)
Glad you survived both ordeals... :)
OMGosh!! Freaky!!
THIS is why I use barrettes. They are approved by the Heimlech Maneuver Association of America.
Good gravy, don't scare me like that again, WOMAN! You've been warned- stay away from chickens and bobby pins!
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