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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm 42 and added another gherkin to our pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our 9-year-old Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). When I'm not busy working as a graphic designer, I lie in a ball in the corner.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Maybe the Fall 2009 issue will be better...for lining the cat's litter box

Chuck knows what a magazine whore I am, so he’s constantly stealing magazines from doctor’s offices and magazine racks for me. Last week, after his follow-up ass inspection, he pilfered a magazine called Hybrid Mom. It’s from Fall 2008 but these mommy rags should be timeless, right?

Before I even started reading the articles I had to know what exactly a “Hybrid Mom” was. I wanted to get rid of the mental picture I had of a mom that ran on gas and electric and who resembled the Terminator.

Thankfully the founder, Stacey Smith, explains that a Hybrid Mombot is “a woman who is guided by an entrepreneurial yearning because she knows that being the type of mom she wants demands it.”

Yawn. Butt scratch.

Smith continues, “[Hybrid Mom] works. She plays. She lives. She decides.”

Oh gawd. What a crock of sappy, over hyped shit. Is this an ad for Nike? I’m now going to live in fear that the whole “She works. She plays” bullshit is going to end up on a t-shirt, the shade of which will probably be some custom-blended color the Hybrid Mom people will call—oh heck—“Hybrid Mom Blue.” Can’t you just see it? A short-sleeve v-neck for $49.95, described as “emboldened” and “no-nonsense.”

(If you think $49.95 is expensive then I don’t think you’re a Hybrid Mom, because Hybrid Moms decorate their Hybrid Offices with Davenport desks that cost $2,399.)

More clues you are/are not a Hybrid Mom? Well, if you’re a just-gave-birth Hybrid Mom and you’re having your first Girls’ Night Out, when someone says she's thirsty “you whip out your boob.” (Ah yes, you’ve been so enmeshed in breastfeeding that you can no longer discern between the thirsty cravings of your baby and those of your 35-year-old female friends.)

You also can’t put down your cell phone “in case the nanny/babysitter/clueless husband calls.” Poor husbands. Seriously. Must they always be portrayed as clods?

Finally—I won’t give you a page-by-page rundown of the whole magazine, I swear—there’s an article, “Don’t call me...” The woman under the headline is holding a nametag that reads “mom” so I am assuming we are to fill in the blank.

To quickly synop, the author is annoyed that the male physician’s assistant in the ER asked, “So what happened, mom?” when she brought her kid in for staples. In her own words: “I did not warrant a name—Mom was good enough.”

Oh, Christ. Lady, you were in an ER with your child, and the man probably thought he was being cute. Men often think they are being cute when they’re not; it’s why they sometimes have trouble getting laid.

On the very next page, the author finishes with this: “For me, the name mom is reserved for those to whom I gave life. It’s a powerful name that should be treated with respect. Every once in awhile my husband will look at me in awe and ask, ‘How do you do it all?’ and with a flick of my red cape I reply simply, ‘I’m mommy.’ ”

Few things. 1) Dressing like a Superhero isn’t going to help you command the respect you so crave. 2) If the name mom is reserved only for those to whom you gave life, shouldn’t you have answered your husband’s questions with, “I’m Nancy”? 3) If the name mom is a powerful one, why were you so pissed off the man in the ER called you by it?

I have no time for such blatant inconsistencies. Where the hell was this woman’s editor?

Hybrid Mom, you are going into the recycling bin. I’m done with periodicals that try to sell me a new and improved version of motherhood. Can’t we all just get over ourselves? Please, take your Davenport desks and your overzealous, perpetually eager lactationers and beat it.

(Just curious, would you be incensed if the male physician’s assistant in the ER called you mom instead of by your name?)

34 comments:

Liz said...

I'd have no issue with anyone referring to me as Mom when talking to me about my kids. Heck, everyone at daycare knows me as "Teagan's Mom" or "Zach's Mom" and I'm proud to be known as such.

I'm going to google the mag just because I'm curious. I think I'm the demographic they are trying to reach... but I don't fit the mold you've described.

Lindy said...

No problem AT ALL. I am a Mom - that's not a deragatory name, I'm proud of it.

One of my few success stories in life...I got the kid out!

Melinda said...

I actually think that if I was in the ER with me kid and the doctor, nurse or whoever was talking to me calling me Mom it would make me happy because it would be one more thing to comfort my kid. My kid is too young to know that my name is something other than Mama, so by calling me Mom I would think that would make my son feel a little more comfortable around these strangers. After all they know my name.

Kate said...

If I didn't want to be called mom, I probably wouldn't have had children. If these women identify themselves by how they are seen by others (especially strangers,) I feel sorry for them.

blognut said...

Doctors call me Mom all the time; both male and female doctors do it. They can't assume you're last name is the same as the child's, and they don't know your first name, so they just say Mom until you tell them differently, which I don't, because I don't care. I'm there with my child, and I'm the Mom.

Blech. I don't like that magazine either.

Gina said...

Well, for one thing, if I were in the ER with my kid, I'd probably be too busy worrying about him to even notice how I was addressed. And even if I did, I can't imagine why that would bother me. I AM Mom. It's not an insult. It's not like he called her an uptight bitch, which is what I would have gone with.

mo.stoneskin said...

I think you need to work on your man's magazine pilfering skills.

Missy said...

Can people find anything else to be uptight about? It's women like that "mom" that give the rest of us realistic women a bad rap.

Reading that, I just felt like, jeez, is everything in your life so perfect the only thing you could find to bitch about was that?

Jenera said...

I was just telling the hubby that I'm now referred to as 'Aidans Mom' when I pick him up from school. For three months now I hear it daily and even the staff say it. They know my name but with the kid around, I'm his mom.

But I don't care. I find it funny. I am a mom.

The thing with this article is that it seems like women these days want children but heaven forbid if they act like mothers. It's like they are resentful of the title, regardless of how 'proud' they claim to be.

Julia said...

Basically womens lib and politically incorrect at its worst in 2009. Maybe you just need to take a sensitivity training course to understand properly, Frogmamma!

kyooty said...

I'd be perfectly understanding that the Dr in the ER was trying to keep the child in a "calm" frame of mind and wouldn't even think about what he called me. I think I'd be so upset over the fact that my child was in the ER I have not even noticed what he calledme? you know? hello the ER is for EMERGENCIES! the front desk has your name, get your head into the purpose of the visit, your CHILD!

Our Crazy Life said...

If the ER doc even got around to talking to me in the first hour of being there he could call me Cinderella for all I care!
All my kids friends call me mom and I think I would pretty much answer to it for anyone since it has been my name for so long now!

The Devil's Daughter-In-Law said...

That would not incense me at all.

I think it would incese my mother-in-law horribly, though, if I started calling HER "mom" out of the blue, after 10 years...

*wringing hands conspiratorally*

Magpie said...

I get pissed off when anyone calls me mom, especially the doctors and nurses at the pediatricians. I have a name, thanks.

katandkarl said...

i agree with this person (may i call her mom?): kyooty.

one would think there were more important things to worry about while in the ER.

Denise said...

I'd only be offended if I was the kids sister and not the mom. Does this broad have any clue as to how many sick folks ER docs see in a day? And she wants him to remember HER name? Who is the real patient here? Bleh!

The Mother said...

Actually, I am so used to people murdering my name that I sort of prefer Mom.

It's easier to be "Stretch's Mom" than to explain that it isn't MRS, has never been MRS, and I really don't like MRS.

And if you point out that you actually have a real title that you slaved for and deserve, they get all hoity-toity on you (EVEN IN ERS--shouldn't being a doctor COUNT, at least there?)

SO--"Stretch's MOM" it is.

Larissa said...

Found your blog through Diapers and Wine. Very entertaining!

I don't have trouble with doctors calling me "mom", especially since I usually just call them "doc".

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

OMG, I don't have time in the day to give a second thought to what people call me, especially if I am in the hospital with my kid for him or her to get staples. Hello? Call me slutty-bitch-whore for all I care. I have shit to do.

C.B. Jones said...

What if you have a penis? Is that another sign on not being a hybrid mom?

Suzi said...

Hybrid, shmybrid. What a load of crap. Some people just take things way too far. Those are the ones we need to stick on a desert island and let them fend for themselves.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I am just laughing my gut out here!

I'm so happy that you wrote this... there are women who are just boring moms and that's all they'll ever be and there is the other extreme, who hate being identified as just moms..they find it insulting..well, why the hell did you give birth then??
Seriously, we need a more balanced, common-sense perspective and you just gave it with such elan!!
I have no problem with the ER guy..Christ, is he really supposed to know my name? And, what's wrong with MOM??? Jeez!!!

SLColman said...

OMGosh that magazine sounds horrible!!

I would be happy no ecstatic to be called Mom - especially since that meant that I finally had some kids! LOL

Keely said...

My GP, who was my doctor before I *was* a MOM, calls me "Mom" when she's seeing my kid. I agree with other people that it's a way to make the child feel at ease (and that's who it should be about).

I'm curious what these Hybrid Moms are supposed to be a hybrid OF. Shopping expertise and lack of commonsense? Passion and stupidity?

Jeanne said...

Sometimes they call me Mom when I'm with my five-year-old granddaughter.

I LOVE IT!

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Crazy stuff, sounds like.

I don't mind being called "mom".

Although, when I try and imagine myself calling someone else "mom", I can't. Strange, but true.

Leanne said...

Sheet. When do you find time to read magazines?

I'm a Mom. It's a title I earned it, use it. 'Nuff said.

Stupid magazine.

Holly said...

Please, Doctor, call me Mom... then later when talking to one of your hot coworker docs, use it in a sentence with MILF. (assuming he's young and looks like the er docs on ER/gr's anatomy/etc) :-) Seriously, some "Moms" need to get over themselves. I say this all the time, but you are too funny. Write a book already.

FoN said...

Considering I would probably be the 68th patient of the day, 'mom' works just fine. It beats 'ma'am' or 'lady' any day of the week in my book.

Lori said...

I see her point. One might feel guilty being called "Mom" after she just smacked her kid for getting a water ring on her $2400 desk and has now wound up in the emergency room--a very dirty, un-hybrid mom place to be.

Sounds like the magazine is a real winner! Give me Predator Extreme, which can be found at my dentist's office, any day. Disgusting but hilarious.

Pricilla said...

I have been nanny to so many kids it is my main role in life. That and eating hay.

The publicist has no children so she can't help you...

resplendentlife said...

Oh, I am glad I found this blog! Yes, this is hilarious.
The Dr. was trying to be personable. He didn't know her name!!! He could have just called her nothing...not made eye contact and been very clinical about the whole thing. Sheesh!!

Marinka said...

I answer to absolutely anything. Although I prefer it if no one talks to me.

GreenJello said...

Nope, not a problem here. I *am* mom. :)

Wait until Hybrid Mom has kids old enough to play sports. Then, your name gets morphed into "Junior's Mom" wherever you go. Your soccer mom identity is now intimately associated with your child's name.