Friday, May 1, 2009

Forget bedroom eyes. The proof's in the pony

My walking partner has been on an extended leave thanks to an ill husband so poor Mrs. Mullet has been walking the lunchtime streets alone. I think my coworkers have mistaken my solitude for social ineptitude; the neck brace is only intensifying their suspicions (I can just hear them in the car as they drive by: “Oh no, it’s that chick from marketing with the neck brace…and she’s walking alone…awww).


Today a woman (Woman A) I’m lukewarmly friendly with invited me to sit with her and another woman (Woman B) for our company's potluck. I can tolerate Woman A in small doses (she walks with her knees touching). I can tolerate Woman B in even smaller doses (she reminds me of a spider). But I was intrigued by Woman A’s thoughtfully placed hand on my shoulder as we washed our hands in the bathroom.

“You should really join us," she said.

So, um, voila, lunch:

Woman A: “Woman B, you know Mrs. Mullet?”

Woman B: “Yah.”

Woman A: “Your hair is getting so long, Woman B.”

Woman B: “Yah.”

Woman A: “I like it pulled back like that, in a ponytail.”

Woman B [flipping her hair]: “It’s the sign.”

Woman A: “For what?”

Woman B: “You know.”

Woman A: “No, I don’t.”

Woman B: “That I’m up for it.”

Woman A: “Up for what?”

Woman B: “That I’m in the mood.”

Woman A: “What?”

Woman B: “It’s how I let my husband know.”

Woman A: “Ooooooooh.”

Woman B: “It is getting long, isn’t it.”

Mrs. Mullet: “I have to get back to work now. Hasta la vista freaknuts.”

At the time I was so blindsided by the bizarre nature of the conversation that I had to leave (and fine, I dropped some of the tuna sandwich I brought* on the neck brace and holy shit, one must tend to that immediately), but in hindsight, I wish I’d stayed for the rest of the conversation.

I have so many questions for Woman B! Like, when and how did the ponytail-means-sex thing begin? Was she extra frisky on ponytail days so that she and her husband came to a nonverbal understanding? Or was it decided over mashed potatoes one night? "Henceforth, a ponytail shall mean we fornicate! Here! Here!"

What if she’s just having a bad hair day and needs the ponytail to be, well, just a ponytail? Does she fill hubs in before he tries to paw her? Like, “This ponytail is for functional purposes only, mister”? But what if he thinks she’s just playing hard to get? Maybe there’s a different color hair tie for that.

What if the ponytail is at half-mast? Does that mean just foreplay?

How can her husband not see women on the street sporting ponytails and think about sex?

What if she’s in the mood on a non-ponytail day? Does she have to go into the bathroom and put her hair up, or can she just say, “Let’s get in on?” You know how people get attached to their crutches…

I could go on and on, but I won’t.

Please tell me, do you have a secret code/ password/ saying/ hairstyle you employ when you want to let your partner know you’re in the mood? I put melon balls in a symmetrical pattern on the hood of the car when I want Chuck to jump me, but I’m always shopping around for something that’s less seasonal. Figs, maybe?

* Yah, I brought my own lunch. I told you, potlucks skeeve me.


Joanie M said...

Do I have a secret passowrd or code word to let John know I'm in the mood? Apparently all I have to say is hello. hehehe

Leanne said...

Sure, he gets me drunk and he knows he's got a fifty-fifty shot at getting lucky.

Other than that? Hmmm. I guess if there's no child in the room, the door is closed, I don't have my period, I've had eight hours of sleep the night before and I don't slap his hand away...that's the sign.

Suzi said...

Yeah, I'm with Leanne, minus the drunk part...hubby doesn't get drunk.

Love the melon balls on the hood of the car. Maybe I should put some berries in the cab of hubby's tractor.

Kate said...

Well, it starts with sacrificing a goat to the gods of sex. Hubby usually notices the smoke when he gets home. Then I do the very sensual, very seductive dance of enticement (resembles the macarena.) Then, while rubbing canola oil laced with cayenne pepper onto my ear lobes, I speak to him in Mandarin Chinese (you know, one of the romance languages.) If at this point he has not approached me with offers of intercourse, I usually just ask very directly, "Hey, you wanna?"

kyooty said...

I was waiting for you to discuss the Dollar Store?

Pony tails are a "thing" some people make woggly eyes when they see girls with pony tails and I've also heard if the said pony tail is sticking out the back of a ball cap it's going to be a real quick pounce!

Mad Woman said...

Yeah, all I have to do is remove a sock and he's in. It's a real issue in the summer when I'm constantly barefoot.

Pony tails? Really?

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

I'm laughing so loud I gonna get serious typos here!!
There's really no signs needed for my husband... he's still an overheated teenager

Rachel said...

Holy crap, it's a good thing a pony tail's not our sign, because I'd be forced to do it every single day.

My husband is suspicious if I'm ever "in the mood". I think he thinks I'm trying to trick him into another baby! Ha!

Frogs in my formula said...

See, you could real get silly with your signs!

Heather said...

I'm with Rachel if pony tails were our thing then I or he would get lucky every day - and quite frankly I am way to tired. That is one scary conversation! However it did make me laugh, I guess every one around here thinks I am always up for it!

Pricilla said...

Well, being a goat I pee in front of him and then turn around and bow. Ooooh, sexxxxxy

Keely said...

I have some vague, minor recollection of hearing about this phenomenon somewhere, but I think it pertained to teenagers - you know, like the colored bracelets? I'm sure now that married women are doing it it's SO not cool.

For a while hubby left cute notes on the bedroom door ("Pantless bears, beware", "Free back rubs, apply within", "Hey, I'm in bed and horny, lets have sex") but we're lazy and didn't take them down and my mom saw them and he was totally mortified.

Anonymous said... I weird? I'm still wondering why Woman B thought Woman A should know what it was a sign for. That plus Woman A's thoughtfully placed hand on the shoulder in the bathroom...methinks those two are into some hanky panky and want you to join the group.

How to Party with an Infant said...

Seriously. That post couldn't have been any funnier. Must bookmark.

Mrs. C. said...

The black panty dance in the kitchen. Sometimes it's just a flash, not a dance. But a black panty sighting means there's a good chance for nooky.

blognut said...

Crap! If I needed a pony tail I'd never get any. My hair is too short.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Around here, any day when I'm (a) not crabby, (b) not menstruating, (c) do not have a migraine, (d) am in a relatively good mood, (e) have some energy, and (f) look his way, it's a go ahead.

Let's just say most days, at least one of those things, but usually a combination, are occurring.

Kris said...

I have no signal, but hubby will whip out you know what and say "Hey you want some of this!" How romantic. Get's me so in the mood. NOT! (actually all I do is laugh my head off when he does that)

Dto3 said...

I had to stop reading at the half-mast pony tail. I'm at a kids' birthday party for cryin' out loud. You're so smutty FIMF. . .

Scary Mommy said...

I suppose it's a sign on the rare occasion when my hair ISN'T in a sloppy ponytail!

Anne said...

That sounds to me like TMI for co-workers. How can you ever look at her in a ponytail again? I wear my hair in a ponytail all the time, it certainly doesn't mean that here in the Small Town.

Julia said...

HOW can you have walked away from material like that!!!!! Bad bad blogger! For shame!

Signs?? Well hmmm. I got nothin.

The Jules said...

lol - nice post.

My wife says she knows when I'm in the mood because I'm breathing.

Then I get told to put a shelf up or clean the car.

Lori said...

Our sign is the super sexy, "call your mom". (The kids have super senses and when home and the deed is starting, one invariably has nightmares while the other one sprouts teeth and screams).

But, after reading the conversation, I really don't think Woman B was talking sex--that's too convoluted. Clearly such a "sign" for her husband is to break out the mixing bowl for a super cool haircut.

Christine Gram said...

I ask my husband if he would like a Whopper. I forget when Whopper started to mean sex for us.

Brandy said...

I thought your post was hilarious but i'm confused at why this woman you don't like that reminds you of a spider decided to share her sexy sign with you. FREAK.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

We don't have any signs per se, but if the Princess Nagger isn't around we'll go 'take a nap'. ;)

becky @ misspriss said...

Um, after that conversation, I'd wonder what she (A) really meant by "join us." Ew?

Have you ever heard Bill Engvall's riff on the shoulder touch as his wife's sign for sex? Funny.

Silicone Momma said...

HAHA great post. Babydaddy just tells me we need to talk...this leads to him bitching about me spending too much money....then I have sex with him to stop his bitching. I'll be damned the day he figures out that the phrase "let talk" makes my clothes fall off.

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