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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Last time I checked, this wasn't Fissures in my Formula

This morning at work I was enjoying a bagel and coffee and minding my own business when a coworker stopped in.

To tell me about her anal fissure.

After she left, I threw up in my garbage can and rocked myself in the corner.

I’m not sure when the world appointed me the gatekeeper of ass stories, but I’d like to step down. I understand that my husband underwent a hemorrhoidectomy and that I shared that information with some people—mainly because they asked, “Oooh, what kind of surgery is Chuck having?” and I couldn’t quickly think of another surgery that would explain why he was unable to poo without screaming — but that was months ago.

I’m not quite sure why my coworkers still feel the need to approach me with things like, “I thought of Chuck over the weekend. I had a hemorrhoid the size of Texas and when I went to the bathroom I almost fell off the toilet it hurt so much.” I don’t appreciate that my husband comes to mind when people move their bowels. If anyone’s going to associate Chuck with shit, it’s going to be me.

Honestly, all this butt suffering has caused me to suffer—from TMAI (Too Much Ass Information). In case I wasn’t clear, I am not head of the Anal Complaint Department. I don’t run the Crack Attack hotline, nor do I speardhead a foundation whose mission is to share people’s posterior plights. Katie Couric is your token celebrity talking head; not Mrs. Mullet (my cause du jour is increasing wine production in Connecticut by 354% and having truckloads delivered to my home and office so I can bathe, frolic and rejoice in its glorious bounty 365 days a year).

So listen. If your hiney is hindering you, contact this group. Or this one. Or this one. Please, please, puhleeze don't send me emails with the subject line "Hot poker in my ass—is that what Chuck had?"

I am not your guy.

27 comments:

Kate said...

So you're telling me that anal fissures AREN'T an appropriate topic to discuss at work? Would it make okay Thanksgiving dinner conversation? Or Christmas morning while opening presents? I would hate to commit a faux pas.

Frogs in my formula said...

I told you not to ask me any more ass questions LOL

Kate said...

My apologies madame. Can I play the pregnancy brain card?

Frogs in my formula said...

Of course. Pregnancy trumps everything.

Pricilla said...

I eat a lot of fiber so I don't have problems like these. I recommend lots of hay, grass and weeds....

The Mother said...

Never, ever admit you know anything about medicine in any social group, or you will be hearing about someone's colon cleansing. Seriously. Because, apparently, colon cleansing is the new sports when it comes to cocktail conversation.

Now when people ask me what I do, I tell them I'm a professional mother. They don't want to hear about my kids' poop, so they go away.

Suzi said...

How about plumbers crack? It isn't technically a medical problem, so would that topic of conversation be acceptable?

blognut said...

I would have ordered the co-worker with the anal fissure right out of my office!

I am not known for tolerance when it comes to graphic descriptions of medical issues. And I totally would've thrown up ON HER.

Keely said...

The only person I want to hear talk about their anal fissure is Kevin Smith. And then, only the once, and we were a captive audience.

Sorry you got this crown. Maybe you can swap it out for the Kidney Crusader.

Julia said...

Come on now. Lighten up a little. I mean what's not to like about a little butt crack humor.

I personally wish we could go just 24 hours without my son doing mock farts or just plain ass trying to fart on me or his sibling. :(

mo.stoneskin said...

You don't happen to have the number for the Anal Complaint Department do you?

Frogs in my formula said...

Yes, it's 1-800-MY-ASS-HURTS

Belle said...

I don't blame you for being so upset. Arse inflictions are a very private matter.
Jesus - Did you say 'the size of Texas'? I would have loved to have seen that.

Brandy said...

Ok so I had this little problem after I had grayson involving my ass. And you seem to be like the person that knows about these things....

Stacie's Madness said...

roflmao, nothing beats a good ass kicking morning.

Otter Thomas said...

Anal fissures is always a great conversation starter. Hilarious post!

Mrsbear said...

Why would anyone want to brag about their anal fissures? Hemorrhoids I understand, but fissures. That's a

Mrsbear said...

sorry about the incomplete sentence, brain fart. Not related to asses in any way.

Anne said...

From this and previous posts, I am starting to think your coworkers have some issues with boundaries. Maybe the breast feeding committee can address this next.

GreenJello said...

I wish I had interesting conversations at work like you do.

Jenni Jiggety said...

I think you should embrace this whole anal fissures thing and develop an entire blog to highlighting the different plights of the heiney!

It could be the next big thing...

You're totally welcome for the spectacular idea!

Wendy said...

I laughed so hard I started coughing like a 90 year old lady with a lung disorder.

I am so attractive.

FoN said...

So, what are you trying to say here? What about farting? Can we still ask you fart questions?

Joan said...

That was some funny ass shit. Sorry.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

AHAHAHAHAHA!!! Sorry, I probably shouldn't be laughing so hard at your plight...I promise I'll never ask you questions about any pain in the asses, ever! ;) (sorry, I'm still laughing...) :)

Kerrie said...

I love your blog, and have found your wildly entertaining, and I am not sure why this post really made my day...kinda perverse, no? It is hysterical. I haven't stopped laughing since lunchtime (it is now 2:30 p.m. EST)...hilarious...thank you!

Dto3 said...

So, you wouldn't be able to tell me what Preparations A through G are then?