Chuck and I had some friends over last night and after finishing a few pitchers of sangria, we decided to do tequila shots. My outer voice was shouting, “Eeeehaaaw!” My inner voice was crying, “Idiot! No!”
I guess it’s no surprise that I was hung over this morning.
When I got to work, the sun was blinding. I was nauseous and lethargic, so I walked towards the building with my eyes closed. You know those cement dividers? When you trip over them, it’s kind of nice to land face first in the grass. It’s also nice to lie there for a moment and smell the earth. If your coffee happens to be pooling around you, though, that detracts from the moment. So does having your co-worker yell “Digger!” across the parking lot.
Chuck can befriend a stump. I fully expect to be driving one day and see a billboard with Chuck’s face on it and the words “If you’re not friends with Chuck, you’re missing out! Call 1-800-LV-CHUCK.” I, on the other hand, am not so sociable. I don’t initiate conversations on the plane or while standing in long bathroom lines. I don’t care that you like my capris—pee fast and get lost. But wouldn’t you know it? Junior takes after Chuck. Which means that when we’re out in public we make all sorts of new friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m living in a sandwich of Barney bread ends, and I’m the sauerkraut filling.
Maybe I should start a mean people colony? I can see it now: a bunch of grumbling, pissy people congregating at an all-inclusive. We could import nice people—have them get up on stage and make polite chitchat—“Oh, Judy, you look so pretty today and that lemon meringue pie you baked was fabulous, blah blah”—and then we could huck water balloons at them. When they cried, we would laugh.
Yah, I like that.
I’m thinking of writing a romance novel. It will be based on a group of friendly and mean people who can’t say no to tequila. Their love of Jose Cuervo brings them together, mostly in horizontal ways (ok, fine, only in horizontal ways). It’ll be called “Heaving loins in Mulletville: How the Worm Won.” I think that has bestseller written all over it. And I have only Keely to thank.
23 comments:
You may not be sociable, but you sure are humorous. That has to count for something right?
I will be first in line to buy that book!
Heh!
ha!!! :)
I am not sociable, but my husband is. In addition, one child isn't and one child is. Go figure. I just want to be left alone.
As the loner that I am, I am always much more sociable with a margarita or two under my belt.
Hopefully not horizontally sociable. Or at least not that I can recall.
How many spaces will be available in that mean people colony? I have several applicants!
I agree. I weren't mind joining the group.
I will gladly bring the water balloons.
Although if people are complimenting your capris in a public restroom setting, I believe that's just cause for a judo chop to the throat.
If you wrote that novel I would buy it, and quicker than blognut!
Haha - how the worm won...literally! ;)
I want halfsies in the romance novel. Tequila makes me strip, so the hubs has banned it but I'm sure I have at least half a good story (until I blacked out).
I would totally buy that.
Hubby & I are both loners by nature but hubby is much better at the small talk thing. I don't know how he does it. Or WHY - he's always complaining about the stupid 'small talk' things people say to him.
Because other people say shit just to say it. I don't say anything unless there's something relevant to say. I guess that's why people think I'm a bitch.
you have an award at my place. :D
Hmm. You seem so friendly in Blogworld.
But then, so do I.
I like stumps too but I like to munch on them.
I think the publicist would read your book. She likes to be quiet on planes and in lines as well. Her well of small talk does not run deep. Although she can be font of amazingly useless information at times.....
I don't know if you are into these things, but I have something waiting for you at my blog!
TOTALLY a best seller! I'd read it!
I also would move into your mean people colony because in general, I don't enjoy people. :-D
I totally agree with you, I am soo not sociable with people! Who cares, and why bother! I never make "polite chit chat". Is it any wonder I got kicked off the PTO? :) I'm proud of that one!
Drinking on a Monday? You Mulletites know how to party!
Oh...friendly people make me nervous. The same crap goes on here, they will initiate a fifteen minute conversation over the merits of ketchup.
All I can do is to see all those wasted words floating in space above their heads. Someone may have truly needed those words.
And this mean people colony of which you speak, I'm pretty sure I can come up with references. I'm in.
go for it. If they make a movie out of the book, I want to be one of the extras who gets to throw lots of water balloons. :)
I really need in on this mean people colony... I effin hate nice people that talk.
I guess that means I'd be subjected getting water balloons thrown at me...damn! :)
For the most part I'm a 'keep to myself' kind of person, but every so often I get into the 'friendly talk to anyone' mode...I'd probably be the one to compliment your capris and get the judo chop to the throat. :)
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