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ABOUT ME

About me: I'm a 40-something mother to a pickle party of a family. My husband Chuck, our tween Junior, our 6-year-old Everett, our toddler Cam, and I live in a town in Connecticut I affectionately call Mulletville Lite (aka my childhood hometown). My friends call me Nutjob, and they're right. In my husband's spare time he dresses up as a Viking and chases ghosts (and I'm the nutjob?). I'm a freelance graphic designer and writer.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

You say influenza, I say holiday

It’s been almost 12 years, and I still have trouble being frank with Chuck’s mom. Joyce has a habit of announcing her plans instead of asking if they’re ok, and when she calls I feel like I’m under some kind of sissy mindmeld. Maybe it’s because she only calls once every three months; I need more practice. Or maybe I need the book “Standing Up for Yourself When You’re Trying to Talk Your Mother-in-law Out of Visiting for Dummies.”

It sure would have come in handy last night.

Chuck started running a fever, and while I was pouring Tylenol down his throat I made the unfortunate mistake of picking up the phone. It was you know who.

When Joyce heard how frazzled I was she cried, “I’m coming right up!”

The thought of Chuck’s mom visiting at 10 p.m. turned me into a crazed chicken. You should have seen me whirling around the kitchen: Balk balk baaaaaaaalk! Balk balk balk bagaaaaaaaalk! She’d get Junior out of bed to play and she’d make me leave the house so she could have him all to herself. I’d be walking the streets of Mulletville all so she could bogart Junior. I’d probably get Mullet-jumped and end up lying in some alleyway.

I tried everything from “no thank you” to “that’s really not necessary” to “how nice, but maybe another time.” Nothing. I pulled out the big guns: “I have a contagious case of flesh-eating bacteria.”

The woman would not take no for an answer. So I chucked the phone at Chuck, who winced and slurred out a pain-bloated “nooooooooooooooo” (in response to her visiting, not me beating him again).

Did I mention Joyce is a nurse? (She actually had one of my relatives as a patient—on her psych ward—but that’s another post.) She prides herself in her medical know-how. She is Florence Nightingale.

When she realized she wasn’t, um, needed, she got all nursy on me.

“Chuck could have a fever from gangreneassitus. He could lose his sphincter if you don’t soak his left gluteus maximus in a prep bath of iodine and ¾ Crystal Light. Or if the fever is from peridontusbuttpox, you really should be monitoring the tubal ligation of his rear bowel. Sigh. If I were there…”

Chuck, drugged and writhing in pain: “Noooooooooooooooo.”

Turns out Chuck has the flu. The fucking flu. The sad part is, I’ve been licking his cups and using his toothbrush so I can get it. There’s a Project Runway marathon I’ve been dying to watch—even if I have to view it through the foggy haze of fever and vomiting.

Even.If.

22 comments:

Jen said...

MIL....don't miss mine! I am currently having all the sickness that my kids had all winter. I didn't lick anyone's cup or use anyone's toothbrush but I am sure they drank out of my Diet Coke, those bastards.

Mary Anna said...

At least something good could come from Chuck's pain in the ass (or, his in yours)!

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

Those disease names are great! Poor Chuck's butt!

Wendy said...

Peridontusbuttpox. I am certain my husband had that!

Keely said...

Chuck has the butt flu? Poor guy.

Interesting. My MIL used to be a nurse, too. Despite the fact that she only ever worked with seniors, and it was like 20 years ago, she still seems to think her judgement in Flo Nightengale-ing should never be questioned.

Suzi said...

Butt flu, that's a new one. Sorry to hear you may end up with it too. As for the MIL, I love mine. It's my mom who we would be warding off with a vengence. Good luck with the butt virus.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You have one of those too, eh? MILs, that is.

I am still suffering BIG time from the flu. All puking seems to have subsided, and I am now left with cramping, fever, no-brain, headache, extreme fatigue, and anxiety.

Hope you don't get sick. But I hope MIL doesn't visit even more.

Jenners said...

It is the damn hospital!!!! And you really really really don't want the REAL flu.

Julia said...

"Peridontusbuttpox"-The best made up word ever. LOL funny with that one.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

oh gosh! The flu so soon after his surgery?! You poor thing! Maybe you could get your MIL over and fly to Hawaii?!

FoN said...

At least she offers to help. I could have a priest issuing last rites over my dying body and my MIL would wouldn’t have time to stop by help with the kids.

Sassypants Wifey said...

Oh man, you mean my MIL tortures OTHER families too? Geeze, sounds just like her. Apparently she thinks we cant possibly function without her constantly hovering around. She always tries to get in the middle of everything. Kids sick, she needs to be here. Hubs doesnt feel well, she should rush him to the ER. I break a glass, she needs to inspect the kids. In real life, she is no help in any of those cases, nor in any case for anything. (can ya tell I am irked at the MIL right now?)

mo.stoneskin said...

Having medical parents or in-laws is always a nightmare!

As far as 10pm goes my Nana rang us up then the other day just for a chat! Grrr. From now on we always ignore a 10pm call or answer it sounding like we've just woken up.

Jeanne said...

Peridontusbuttpox. You made me snort.

kyooty said...

Poor Chuck, (I know I always take his side but I'm living outpatient recovery, so I understand). Getting a cold was one of my biggest worries because the idea of sneezing and coughing through sitches! OUCH!!!! as for the MIL, my hubbie called his parents to come, we used them for babysitting while we went and had some together time waiting in the ER to see my surgion to talk about seepage.
On the plus side, we put them to work! work on cleaning their own guest room, washing dishes, and they bought meals. heheh :)
I do hope you've got some time off work for looking after Chuck.

blognut said...

Wow! I've never really had a sick butt, but I'll sure know what to do if I get one. Very informative!

Rachel Cotterill said...

My MIL is a nurse, too. We don't have kids so it's me she gets to diagnose ;)

Joanie M said...

Want me to come over and cough on you? Apparently I've made half the staff at my job sick.

Lindy said...

Nothing wrong with the flu.

As I tell my husband, I'm only one stomach-flu away from a size 8.

GreenJello said...

Ewww... we did the flu thing here this year. Type B. Miserable, miserable stuff!

Everyone in my house got it but hubby man. Maybe you will be so lucky, too! Better start downing the Vitamin C...

mrsbear said...

Of course, Crystal Light and iodine, no wonder my kids are barking like seals. Hope you dodge the flu bullet.

SSQuo said...

I think your MIL needs a book on 'How to Stay Away from my Son and his Family for Super Dummies'!