The other day I told Chuck we need more intimacy in our relationship. He looked at me in all seriousness and said, “But I asked you to look at my ass [after the surgery].” Because I wasn’t sure I’d heard him correctly, I said, “Are you telling me that we're doing fine in the intimacy department because you asked me to look at your ass?” He said yes. Then he told me he didn’t ask any of his friends to look at his ass. He only asked me. In his estimation, we couldn’t be any closer than we already are. Thank God we had that talk.
Once I went on a blind date with an oceanographer. I wore sneakers on the date because I thought he was going to take me to the beach so he could point to crabs and barnacles and seaweed and tell me their scientific names. Instead he wanted to get ice cream. When I ordered coffee ice cream, he said, “Gross.” He didn’t even pay for it. I’m not sure why I still think about him; maybe because I’d like to go back in time and tell him he sucked.
A coworker told me she and her husband save the "corners and edges" for Sunday nights; it's their thing. At first I thought she meant something kinky. Then she told me she meant the rugs. She made me feel better about the Chuck/intimacy thing. Slightly.
I took Junior to visit my uncle the firefighter at his fire station this weekend. At first it was cute how Junior kept pointing to the trucks and yelling “am-blance” and “fire [f]uck.” After 10 minutes I wanted to yell, “I know! I’ve been alive for 34 years. I know we are standing next to ambulances and fire trucks. I freaking know.” Instead I kept saying, “Yes, honey. Good job.” That made me tired.
Why does Chuck's brother keep calling Junior “the baby”? As in, “We can’t come see the baby this weekend.” I feel like he’s saying he can’t come see the Pope or an exhibit at a museum. I mean, Junior has a name. Maybe if his sucky wife gave him back his testicles and they actually left their house, his life would come into focus again and he’d start calling things by their proper names. Then again, I thought the same thing about the oceanographer. And look where that got me.
Thank you, UnMom. I feel lighter already.
37 comments:
Yeah..."the baby" is right up there with my mom calling my kids "sweetie puss" I just dont get it. And it becomes increasingly annoying each time she says it until I am almost seething.
I cant really spell well so its like short for a cat as in pussy cat except just puss.
Um, sweetie, it's Monday.
I'm not sure you're allowed to publish yours before I publish mine. But, yours are funnier so maybe I need them out of the way.
Happy Tues - er, Monday!
LMAO!
Moral of the story, never trust an oceanographer.
But if you did go back in time you could take him down the beach and feed some crabs and barnacles some coffee ice cream....
That guy did suck. Coffee ice cream rocks.
I know it was Monday. This damn blog won't let me publish things later--it keeps sending it out before I'm ready.
And my name's not sweetie, lovemuffin.
I had issues with trying to post my RTT post last night to schedule for today - it posted right away. Of course, I accidentally put 4/13 as the date...I'm sure I messed up some readers as I deleted that post and tried again. 3rd time was the charm! ;)
Hubby and I had a very similar conversation recently about the intimacy department - of course, he hasn't requested a special look at his ass, so maybe we do need to get down to business... ;)
That blind date guy does sound sucky - wonder if he didn't pay for your ice cream because he thought it was gross.
I don't get the 'corners and edges' part...maybe I need another cup of coffee... ;)
So Chuck's brother has one of those wives, huh? My sister tends to be that way with her hubby, too - I keep reminding my hubby how lucky he is that she and I are so different because he gets to keep his testicles... ;)
We call my sister's boy "the baby". I do hope all is well in Assland.
Well if ass peering equals intimacy to your husband, I'd start looking for a new one....
And aren't blind dates by definition bad?
And am I lame that I still don't understand about the corners and edges? Are they vaccuming or something? I don't get it. I must be stupid.
And I totally hear you on the whole kid's stating the obvious. Like you, I just scream inside my head. And my son will also tell me something and then tell his dad the same thing 30 seconds later when we are all sitting together. I want to yell "Do you think we can't hear you???????!!!!"
I miss my testicles too.
Happy RTT!
Seriously, what is disgusting about coffee in its cool, smooth, ice-cream form. That guy was a loser.
My mother-in-law occasionally refers to my husband as her "baby boy". It makes him cringe just a little. When he's being a jackass, she just refers to him as "whatshisface".
I'm so with you on 'the baby' thing. Whats with that? Although 'the kids' is totally acceptable.
Not a good day for the fellas....
Men.
I agree with the oceanographer-- yuck on the coffee ice cream.
Bet he's still single, though.
Funny my grandma calls me Tooty -- I really don't think she know my real name. Thanks for sharing!
I don't get people calling their walking, talking, driving kids babies....I also don't understand people talking about their kids in months instead of years...like
"how old is your son?"
"Oh, he's 450 months"
Seriously, just tell me he's 37 or four or whatever, I suck at math.
Ok, you feel lighter but now I feel heavier. Thanks for that.
Am-blance. Fire(f)luck. Moto-Kykle. Gar-blage truck. Cute cute cute words!
Yet it does get a teeny weeny bit tiring agreeing and acknowledging everything they see! If my son doesn't, at the very least, get a grunt out of me he just yells it louder and louder ----- much to my poor shattered nerves! "Yes! Yes! I see the fire (f)luck! It's big and red and loud." Aghhhhhhhh!
What do you think his reaction would be if you ordered sherbet?
coffee icecream is awesome. ocean-guy is a dick.
can i say dick on your blog?
Starbuck's coffee ice cream is the reason I crawl out of bed come mornings.;)
Here's one for you, my mom is in such denial about me having boys that it took her 5 years to start calling them boys. She would always say something like "Come on girls." Now she has resorted to calling them poo poo. Hmmm......what is wrong with her?
As far as the truck, my middle one called it a fuck too. My sister died of hysterics when she heard it. "Did he just say?" Me: "Yep, he sure did."
I don't get the corners and edges? what is wrong with me?
Sorry, I got sidetracked by Sammanthia - Stabuck's makes coffee ice cream?
Why has no one told me this before!?!!?
And the repeating thing - yes, "Yes darling, it's a digger. The same &^%$#@! digger that has been sitting there for 3 weeks thanks to more traffic-building construction. Yes darling, it's a digger..."
Pass the ice pick. Please.
my husband used to say 'the baby' but with capital letters, as in 'The Baby' for our elder son! His Baby got him out of that fast when he was 3!!
Too funny!! Great RTT!
"A coworker told me she and her husband save the "corners and edges" for Sunday nights; it's their thing. At first I thought she meant something kinky. Then she told me she meant the rugs."
I am still trying to figure out WTF that means.
I know it shouldn't, but you're totally cracking me up. And the oceanographer? You realize there may be a REASON he became a solitary oceanographer, no? Fortunately, you found better!
Hilarious post. You should be thinking about the ice cream guy because he deserves a punch in the face.
See? When someone tells you they save the "corners and edges" for Sunday nights, it could be anything. What she meant is that she and her husband vacuum the rug centers during the week and save vacuuming the corners and edges for Sundays. It's their thing. And they don't deviate.
That is screaming funny.
I'm still not sure what that corners and edges means. And the ice cream guy was just rude.
Maybe the oceanographer just inhaled too much saltwater.
Corners and edges?
Apparently Chuck has confused TMI with intimacy. Too bad the oceanographer was such a dud. It would have been cool to date someone with such an awesome job.
Do you ever wonder how the oceanographer's ass looks???
Just wondering. . .
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