Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Do they make Nicorette for your ears?

My eardrum has been vibrating for the last few days. It's been driving me nuts. At first I worried that a beetle or other winged creature was flying around in there (before you get grossed out and poo poo my overactive imagination, let me tell you that a beetle took up residence in my friend’s ear in sixth grade and I will never, ever forget it).

Alas, nothing has flown out of my head.

So I made an appointment with a local ear, nose and throat doctor.

The office was located in a brittle house with creaky, tilted floors. When I got there, there were two nuns sitting in the waiting room. Whenever I see nuns I feel compelled to make some kind of statement to let them know I am an upstanding individual. So while I waited, I had this running through my head:

“God bless, sisters. No, no, don’t say that. How about, ‘Lovely mass on Sunday. Praise Jesus.’ No, that’s stupid…”

Thankfully, the receptionist called me in.

Let me tell you something, the newspapers have it all wrong. Walter Breuning is not the oldest living man in the United States. ENT Doc Crochety of Mulletville is. He was wearing one of these:



(From what I can tell, they’re used to reflect light towards the patient and fell out of fashion when flashlights were invented.)

While the doc lifted the sagging flesh from his inner thighs so he could sit down and cross his legs, I told him about my vibration problem. He sloooooooowly grabbed his ear looker thinger and stuck it in my ear. Then he shouted, “Jesus Christ, it’s like the Sahara in there!”

I have to admit, I was intrigued at the thought of a desert ecosystem existing between my eyeballs. It certainly explains the sand I’ve been finding on my pillow.

“How many Q-tips do you use?” he barked.

“None,” I lied. “But I chew a lot of gum.” (I have no idea why I said this, but you know what? He wasn't listening to me one bit.)

“Are you a secretary?”

“I was until my Dictaphone broke.”

“I’m going to whisper in your ear while I flutter a stack of post-it notes in your other ear. Ready? Whisperwhisperwhisperwhisper.”

“What?”

“Whisperonewhisperninetywhisperninewhisperwhisperwhisper.”

“You’re one-hundred and ninety-nine?”

He took a metal hook with a cap and stuck it into my nostril.

“Your nose tissue is inflamed.”

“Is that because of the camels?”

He told me to say “ah” then hit the back of my throat with what looked like a golf club he’d stolen from a doll house. Then he sat back and shook his head.

“I’m prescribing you drops. Ask your fellow to help you. When you bathe, let some water into your ear. And lay off the Goddamn Q-tips.”

“I’m just curious. Do you blaspheme like this in front of the nuns?”

“Call in two weeks if you’re still having problems. Irene will ring you out.”

As Irene the receptionist took my co-pay, I said a little prayer that the desert nomads would take well to the drops because I really, really don’t want to go back to Doc Crochety (he's obviously in cahoots with Dental Dick). I looked at the nuns for a sign that they were receiving my telepathic cry for mercy, but they were too busy reading about Salma Hayek's second wedding in Italy.

I don't know if I can kick my Q-tip habit, but I'm sure as hell going to try.

34 comments:

Shelli (wishes she was) Mrs. Burchett;) said...

I actually saw a medical show a few weeks ago where some chic had a June bug in her ear...they thought she was mental because she kept yelling, "Make the helicopter stop!!!"

Q-Tips...the best way to have an eargasm;)

blognut said...

I would way rather have a Q-Tip addiction than have a bug in my ear. Gross!

Mary Anna said...

I will fight anyone who tells me to lay off the Qtips. Them's fightin' words.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I get that vibration thing going in my ear too sometimes. No bugs...yet.

However, at the moment, I have a nagging deaf ear, due to sinus issues, no doubt.

MadWoman said...

I have a horrible Q Tip addiction too. I'm amazed I haven't had the same issue as you!

Bugs? Eww!

Kate said...

It's best just to go cold turkey. You get through the withdrawals more quickly! Once your addiction is conquered you get the joy of not being able to hear the hubby complaining about his ass, Junior naming emergency vehicles or condescending, insulting 3 year olds due to the intense ear wax build-up!

Jenera said...

I am a total Qtip nazi and my ears are always ringing and buzzing. Maybe that is my issue!

Oh and I've known a couple people with the bugs in the ear stories. GROSS!!!

Me-Me King said...

I don't what is is about nuns that command stellar behavior out of me. I check my posture, talk just above a whisper and use my best manners. Why they scare the b'jesus out of me is puzzling, I'm not even Catholic.

Dto3 said...

Are you telling me that candling is out of vogue?

Jen said...

When I went to my endodontist he was actually wearing on of those head light things. http://redheadranting.blogspot.com/2008/04/its-all-relative.html

He also had a tremor and operated on the wrong tooth. I have yet to go and get the whole thing fixed because, well, I'm scared and it doesn't hurt if I take enough of the Vicodin. The look-in-your-nose-or-ear-thingy is called an otiscope, I have three in my basement.

Good luck getting over that Q-tip addiction. There must be a 12 step program out there for it.

Keely said...

My brother had a live moth in his ear once, it drove him crazy. My Mom poured oil in there and it drowned the moth and then it slid out. I'm a little grossed out by all that.

Sorry about your nomad ears.

I just pictured you as one of the Sand People. Except I don't actually know what you look like, so basically I pictured a Sand Person.

Lori said...

I've always feared the QTip since I was little and was obsessed with Better Off Dead and practiced the Qtip scene until my little brother slammed me with Qtip in ear. My ear still pops from perforation. SO you can understand why I found your post, much like Sunday's mass, particularly moving...

I think I nailed the nun shout out.

mo.stoneskin said...

Hilarious, and beautifully told. And you didn't even say something to the nuns on the way out? I'm a tad disappointed!

Frogs in my formula said...

Keely, you're not too far off. I look like a Sand Person, except with red hair.

Angel said...

I also have a Q-tip addiction so good luck with the laying off. At least it wasn't a bug, now I will be paranoid about bugs in my ears...

Lindy said...

People at work now think I'm crazy...laughing out loud, by myself, in my office "with all my friends."

Denise said...

HAHAHAHA "Is that because of the camels?" You certainly have a way with words! I'm still cracking up!

kyooty said...

a man died up here when some ear cleaning fuzz got stuck in his ear, it got infected... and no more man... lay off the ear cleaners.

FoN said...

You had a friend in grade six who had a BEETLE living in her EAR?? Oh, that poor kid. Did everyone call her beetle ear for her entire school career?

Sorry about your ear, but I'm glad there are no beetles in there. Really, I can't get passed that....

GreenJello said...

My mom used Q-tips on me... and because of it, it killed all those little helpful hairs that get the earwax out of your ears.

Now I get impacted wax in my ears.

It's better to avoid the Q-tips, believe me.

Rachel said...

I avoid Q tips, too. Then again, I have the opposite problem.

The Mother said...

Q-tip addictions are what's wrong with America these days. Just say no.

Anne said...

Eeek, I am a little freaked out by the whole bug in the ear idea. Good luck laying off the Q-tips. I hope your dry ear issue works out. If not, maybe the old guy will retire and sell his practice to some really hot young doctor.

Jeanne said...

About a year ago, I had an "event" (if you're thinking ballgowns and placecards, think again) and most of the hearing in my right ear was replaced with a ringing sound.

Since Old Dog was already deaf as a post due to riding motorcycles when he was young and working 30+ years in a factory, the single most-used word at our house is, "WHAT?"

SLColman said...

OMGosh about bugs in the ears!!

I hope that the drops help - I have a Q-Tip addiction too!

Suzi said...

Nice. I used to work in child care and had a kinder put a roly poly in her ear to see what would happen. Once it opened up and started moving it's legs she freaked. Kind of funny, but scary for her.

lizspin said...

Forgs in your formula and beetles in your ear!

Perfect!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

hahahaha, I am cracking up over here imagining this old ass dude cursing and looking in your ears while you act all snarky.

I love it!

Joanie M said...

My sister is a nun. talk about pressure!

becky @ misspriss said...

Um, I had a fluttering in my ear for a week or so. Went to the doc and he DID find an itsy bitsy bug. Gah! Flushed it with a LOT of water and it was gone. Crazy, I tell you. Oh, and I was pregnant at the time. They looked at me like I was loopy until he actually saw the thing. It still gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I'm sorry, I'm laughing WAY too hard to have a coherent thought...but I'll try... *snort!* So did the Sahara take kindly to the drops? And what about the camel? I guess I better lay off my Q-Tip addiction, too... ;)

OK, so now you really do need to post a story about your friend in sixth grade with a beetle in their ear...really...inquiring minds want to know! :)

Julia said...

One of my friends had a kid who put a rock in his ear. That was ridiculous... And most recently, actually today Wyatt started screeching about his ear which turns out to be infected "badly" according to the Dr. in who's office we waited for 1 hour to be seen and were actually seen for 35.9 seconds...

Now wait...so you are basically telling us that you have "dry ear syndrome." What's that all about????

Renée aka Mekhismom said...

You have got to be kidding me. I know that he did not really have that contraption on his head. What was that anyway? And the cussing? I am sure he does it with everyone. Nuns cuss like sailors don't you know? Oh, wait, I may be confusing that with priests - from the movies. Okay, I don't know what I am talking about. Good luck with your ears.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

...and why were you supposed to be a secretary?!
The doctors at my cite are so boring!!

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