Sunday, April 19, 2009

Fine, fine so I'm fixating on the horse because of my ab insecurities

I'm so tired.

But I'm also very happy. Happy you can’t see my backyard, that is. It’s an embarrassment. Chuck and I have neglected it for two years. No mowing, no clipping, no raking, no pruning. Nothing. When Chuck goes outside to grill I tie a rope to his foot so if the weed things grab him I can pull him back inside.

Now that Junior’s nearing two, we’d like to have a yard that’s not going to eat him. That’s reasonable, right? So we made a list of backyard improvement projects and asked Chuck’s friends to barter their sober services. (We all know what happens when you mix tequila and home improvement projects—you end up with pile of grass seed and five guys taking bets on who can piss over it higher).

After four months we finally had a taker.

Chuck’s friend Aaron—who looks exactly like Van Gogh, crazy eyes and everything—said he’d help Chuck lay bricks for a patio if I looked after his three-and-a-half year old son, Jake. It seemed like a fair trade. Except that Jake, like his dad, is a royal pain in the ass know-it-all. I’m serious. A conversation with Aaron goes like this:

Me: “When Junior cried as a baby I—”

Aaron: “Jake never cried. We used the Ferber method, the Elizabeth Pantley method, the Baby Whisperer method and the Molly McButter method. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk you’re an idiot and I’m brilliant talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk.”

After an hour of pre-paver chit chat, my head was close to exploding, but I reminded myself that thanks to Aaron, we’d have a lovely new patio. I put Junior down for his nap and got out my tub of crayons so Jake and I could spend a few hours coloring (ha! how naive is that?).

Now look, I’d never say I hate a child but this is how it went down:

Me: “All right. What should we draw?”

Jake: “You say ‘all right’ too much.”

Me: “I didn’t realize that. I’m going to draw a horse.”

Jake: “That doesn’t look like a horse. You’re not a good drawer.”

Me: “I think my horse looks exactly like a horse, all right?”

Jake: “You say ‘all right’ too much.”

Me: “What are you drawing?”

Jake: “Do you have a big belly because there’s a baby in there?”

Me: “You think I have a big belly?”

Jake: “Yes. Your juice tastes funny. When our juice tastes funny my dad says it’s because it’s not fresh.”

Me: “I’m going to hit you with a rubber mallet right now. It shouldn’t hurt too much.”

I have a new agreement with Chuck: We will pay his friends in booze. I’d rather look out my window and see a whizzing contest than spend another afternoon in Crayola hell. And come on, my horse is the best horse ever.

32 comments:

Stacy (the Random Cool Chick) said...

ROTFLMAO!!!! OMG!! I would have resorted to a rubber mallet, too! Probably a good idea to have Chuck's 'other' friends over to help...I agree, I'd rather witness whizzing contests over being subjected to Crayola hell any day...

Is it crazy that I read through ALL those 'talk talk talk' to see if you reversed any of the inserts to read 'You're brilliant and I'm an idiot' instead of the other way around? LOL! ;)

Oh, and BTW - that is an AWESOME horse picture! Hubby didn't like it because he's scared of horses, so you KNOW it's a good one! (grin!!)

Suzi said...

Great horse. It would put my drawing to shame, but we won't go there.

Okay, I got the LMAO, but what is ROTF?

blognut said...

That IS the best horse ever!

Leanne said...

OMG That horse is amazing. Comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment comment :)

feefifoto said...

All right. I LOLd at your post and then I LOLd at your comments, but while I take a break from LOLing I have a couple thoughts, all right?
1. I sure hope Aaron doesn't read your blog or he might come under cover of darkness and repossess his patio.
2. The kids sure sounds like a cretin but you do have the right, as an adult, to tell him he's being rude.
3. Your horse looks pretty good to me and let's see little Mister Knowitall do better.

All right -- that's all I have to say.

outnumberedtwotoone said...

Some kids deserve a rubber mallet. I can't argue with that. The patio...so not worth the crayola hell. Your horse is byoootiful, alright?

Nanc Twop said...

Oh my.

Sounds like hubby's pal and son have Asperger's Syndrome. Excess talking and disregard of others feelings are just the tip of the iceberg.

And it runs down the male line... so if there is a next time, just sit back and have a glass of wine and be glad its not part of your male's line.

Pablo Guero said...

Make it a father-son project, and you can go shopping or nap or drink wine.

I laid a 17x14-foot flagstone patio with my two-year-old. It took several months. Mitch (my two-year-old) and I put down about four inches of decomposed granite, compacted it, fit the stones, leveled them, then filled between the stones with more granite, and compacted it one more time. Then we moved a new house.

Mammatalk said...

You are an absolute crack up!!

Keely said...

I like your horse. It has a distinct "I'm going to grab the nearest rubber mallet kid" look in it's eye.

And I don't know about Asperger's Syndrome. Maybe Asshat Syndrome. That runs in the male line a lot, too.

mo.stoneskin said...

That little bird should really have its feat in the stirrups...

Loved the Aaron monologue. Molly McButter?!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

ok, how long did it take you to cut and paste that conversation!
Your horse definitely looks like a horse...judging from its expression, it looks like a horse that helped bring in the new year, but its still a horse, okay?!

kyooty said...

I think your horse is Kyoot, but the Jake needs more lessons in socializing and selective speaking.

Gina said...

I think your horse is pretty damn ALL RIGHT!

Lindy said...

Wow - that looks like a horse to me!! A lot better than I would've done. AND, you even added "tweet, tweet" comments!

Denise said...

I think I would have choked that kid out, right after I poured the not so fresh juice on his head. LOL

And payment in booze is a good choice for future backyard renovations. Those videos are precious on YouTube :-)

Jenni Jiggety said...

I hope you hit him with the mallet...TWICE!

sarahthings said...

Totally the best horse ever. Damn kid.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

You are too funny. NO, really. I can't stop laughing.

And I would have killed that kid. He would never see the light of day again...sorry, but I can't help it.

Do you think I should start up my daycare again?

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

And BTW, your horse rocks.

Anne said...

I think your horse totally rocks and I am sending my rubber mallet up to Mulletville so you can put an end to the non-stop criticism.

Mrs. C. said...

Crap-ola, what a rude child. About the time he commented on my belly I would've told him it was disrespectful to make personal comments about how people look. When he dissed my juice I would have thrown his away and told him if he was thirsty he could drink out of the hose. Then when he and his dad left I would've given Aaron some rubbers and the phone number of the nearest vasectomy doctor.

And that is a cute horse. Pony Girl says so too.

Alabama Redhead said...

This is why I:

A. Always pay my friends off in beer/pizza or wine/pizza.

B. I have dogs, not kids

C. I'm known as the cursing, boozing, smoking friend who no one will leave their "little angels" with, it's a reputation that comes in handy. I make sure I'm always seen downing a beer/shot and smoking likea fiend at kid's birthday parties...

Shit dude. There'd be a new hole in the backyard...with a body in it.

Rachel said...

That's way better than any horse I could ever draw? Did that brat scribble all over your bird, too?

Joanie M said...

I think that's a terrific horse and I also think Jake is a major BRAT! I can't even imagine how obnoxious he's going to be when he gets to school age.

Signe said...

Better than my stick-figure horse. There are definitely people out there that look (sound better) better through alternate eyes!

Otter Thomas said...

Great post. Great horse. Great restraint for not killing that kid.

Jeanne said...

Kids like that are only fun if they're yours.

GreenJello said...

Better than any horse I could draw...I failed "Comic Style Drawing 101". Even with those "You Can Draw!" books from the library, I failed.

Kris said...

Oh goodness!!! I wonder what his horse looked like.

I had a friend like that. She'd blab, blab, blab on the phone like that. I'd put the phone down, go do something else for a bit, pick it back up and she'd still be blabbing. Never even missed me.

I wonder where she is now? Probably blabbing to someone else. blah,blahblah,blah

Ali said...

Hahaha! Rubber mallet, that is AWESOME! Love it. And I think your horse is cute =)
Found your blog through Stacy's Random Thoughts, nice to "meet" you! (All right?)

Leandrea said...

I love people that handle children my way! HILARIOUS!!!

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